Harsh truth or sweet lies

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Orlas
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Aug 10, 2020 9:21 pm

Harsh truth or sweet lies

Post by Orlas »

Sorry, I am still new, so I hope it's not a wrong place to post (doesn't seem so).

I just wanted to share a quite strange situation, maybe someone had it similar and we both will feel less alone.

My mom was very harsh and cold when I was a child: burning me, giving serious punishments for things as simple as saying my shoulders hurt, no weakness or mistake allowed, no crying, no smiling. I was physically incapable of smiling, my muscles were hurting, I remember how I was trying to learn in front of a mirror. We were not talking at all, no friends were allowed either, no money, almost no (unspoiled, at least) food. I got used to it and enjoyed my solitude. But as soon as I turned 16, got successful and left the house, she turned 180 degrees and became all lovey-dovey, trying to not loose me. 10 years passed, but I am still not used to it. It's so fake. She is such a good liar, I know it for sure. I caught her, but if I did not know, with evidence, that she was lying, I would have DEFFINITELY believed her and even say sorry for suspecting her. It scares me how innocent she looks when lying. It's weird, but I want a cold harsh mother back - at least I got used to it, I grew up alone and know how to deal with it, and this impostor scares me. I hate these sweet lies, and she did not even become kinder to me, she still acts selfishly, laughs, when I mention my self-harming, says horrible, cold, disgusting and undeserved things about me behind my back. But now I can't confront her and stop communicating, because everyone will think I am an evil child leaving a perfect mother.
I am not even angry with her - I was, very, but I forgave. I just want her to be happy, but away from me, without all of these lies and me having to pretend everything is normal.

I am really sorry for whining, I usually don't, I am sorry. But I was wondering if I am alone in it.
Eagle
Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: Harsh truth or sweet lies

Post by Eagle »

Hi Orlas

Your story sounds all too familiar and yes, there are many others who have had to endure what you are going through. I have tried to make it a practice of not trying to give advice here on the forum, but I am compelled to make an exception here. As hard as it may be, my advice would be, “Turn around, walk away and don’t look back”. All you will find if you do is pain. I know it’s hard, because I’ve had to do just that. Not only with family, but a marriage as well. Emotional abusers are masters at using your kind haeart against you to try and keep reeling you in so they can continue the abuse.

From your post, I’m guessing late 20’s, so you are still quite young and can have a great life in front of you. Through work, social or just casual acquaintances you can meet others that are a generation in front of you who are kind caring people. You can befriend them and they can give you that great feeling of belonging with an older generation. Even though they are not your biological elders, they can show you a better way of how our elders are suppose to interact with us. Fortunately for me it was grandparents, but I’ve met others who have also filled that role as well.

Always keep your kind heart and seek out others who can reciprocate that kindness.

Eagle
Chessgirl
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Posts: 1377
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Harsh truth or sweet lies

Post by Chessgirl »

I can relate to this too. My mother was so evil and just outwardly cruel to me. She cussed and was vulgar and would hit me. Then when I turned 18 she knew she couldn’t physically hurt me anymore so she found new cruel ways to hurt me psychologically. For example, she would offer to wash my clothes for me but she would poor bleach on them and act like it was an accident. She puts on this act like the most innocent person and even starting going to church and became a religious nut. I finally realized she is still just as dangerous as she was when I was a child but it’s just covert now. I think it’s good to recognize that she is still the same person she used to be. You are right that it’s super confusing and I can relate about almost wishing the old mother back who was obvious about her abusive behavior. At least that’s what feels more honest. Sitting with you. I can tell you have a good head on your shoulders. Just trust yourself and remember she’s still the same person just better at covering it up now.
Chessgirl
quixote
Moderator
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Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:14 am

Re: Harsh truth or sweet lies

Post by quixote »

Orlas,
Not a great choice: phony or harsh. A responsible mother would be neither.
Orlas
Member
Posts: 8
Joined: Mon Aug 10, 2020 9:21 pm

Re: Harsh truth or sweet lies

Post by Orlas »

Eagle, thank you so much for your reply! I feel like what you are suggesting is the right answer, but I feel SO bad for her, even if I know she is lying. Even that one time I had undeniable evidence she was lying, I was slowly understanding I could never trust her again, but at the same time still comforting her, because she was crying. That's something she never gave me - every time I asked for help she was either laughing or telling me to deal with it myself, so I stopped asking.
I can't help but feel like I am tearing her apart, even though half of the tears are probably fake. But I only see two options at this point: either commit suicide, or leave. Living in a separate flat helps, but not fully - every time I get deep into working or enjoy something, she appears in my head out of nowhere, it's like I am paralyzed by fear and can't do anything anymore. The only time I was free from it was when she forgot about me for a week or so and I did not HAVE TO communicate with her. It was SO amazing. So many new ideas, I felt alive. I wonder if that's how some people feel normally.

Thank you again, really.

Chessgirl, quixote, thank you a lot, too. I often forget that it CAN and should be better. I always thought that the person, who was hurting me and of whom I was so afraid that physically couldn't do anything she wouldn't like (even if I was right), was the best mother I could get and I deserved all of this. Only when I turned 16 and finally started meeting other families and gained access to the Internet, I found out how not normal it was and that I am a good daughter.
Eagle
Member
Posts: 126
Joined: Fri Jan 22, 2021 7:24 pm

Re: Harsh truth or sweet lies

Post by Eagle »

Orlas

You are most welcome. You are right that you, we all, deserve love and respect. Some people, for whatever reason, are unable to reciprocate the love and caring we want to give to them. Why? I think the answer may be in something I was told a long time ago. Some people are unable to love themselves. Because of that, those people are incapable or unwilling to show love to others. No matter how much you want to love them and care for them, they won’t be able to return that love. You are saying and feeling all the right things. You just have to have the will power to follow through and let yourself move on. That way you can heal your heart and find others who can give you that love you deserve.

Eagle
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