Change in situation

[Olivia]

I ask myself sometimes do I even want things to change. I’ve lived with the guilt and shame and everything that comes with being abused for over 10 years secret kept for over 20. I’m finally seeking real good help with a good T and my first support group. I’m on a new medication that has really helped with my depression and PTSD.
I find myself yearning for the horrible body pains of both pleasure and pain that I get. I think that’s crazy right!?
I find myself attempting to please myself more while watching abusive fetish porn and thoughts. (I know why i do it..doesn’t make me feel better)
How do you expect to heal?
Sometimes I trigger myself on purpose.
Sometimes because i think that i can handle it
Other times because of the masturbation that follows.( which has not been pleasing lately. I have been unable to reach the goal but i can’t rev the engine)
I’m doing well enough in therapy that I can point out my depression and anxiety symptoms. But then i feel embarrassed when i succumb to them. I know i have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know this. But that feeling is still there.

If i move on it feels like it didn’t happen. Isn’t that what i want? To move on..be that person i was suppose to be before the abuse.

I’m sitting in a park right now thinking “you are just triggered because you disclosed to a close friend your abuse for the first time”

I know this..I try to reach out to a friend. She is very supportive but i can’t stop thinking she is busy and I’m bothering her at work.

My T tells me it’s unfortunately apart of my story. I have to learn how to cope with the triggers. Can I do this forever?

[Jonesy]

Hi Olivia

How great that your new meds are helping, that can be a real game-changer.
'Moving on' doesn't mean that your past is erased and that it never happened, it just means you are finding ways to move past what happened. I believe that you will learn to cope with the triggers - they generally lessen over time and most people get better at dealing with them.

[gods_child]

Olivia,

Congrats on your new support group and finding a good therapist. You are doing so much to grow and heal. I hope you feel proud of yourself because those are not easy things to do. Bravo for being so brave and open here! Know that everyone deals with their triggers differently. If you are concerned you can always mention it to your therapist. That said, focus on whatever is healthy and beneficial for you. To me, moving forward doesn't mean you'll forget what happen or feel like it didn't happen. It does mean you'll acquire skills to help you cope and help certain things not be as disruptive in your life. If only it were easy.

I'm also glad your new meds are helping. You might know that many antidepressants can have sexual side-effects so your inability to "rev the engine" can easily be a result your body adjusting to the new meds. I hope it's not too frustrating right now that that things return to normal soon.

Being triggered, disclosing, and reaching out can often make us feel vulnerable. Be sure to take in the support being offered to you and try not to worry about the rest. If you are close friends you should be able to communicate and establish a good understanding of how/when she can get back to you. Outside of that, your support systems are yours for a reason. They care and want to help. Thanks for reaching out here and allowing us to walk along side you. Wishing you better days and continued healing!

-gc