I am back because I need help

[Sherlocked]

Hi everybody,
I know it's been quite a while since I was last here but I think it's best for me to make contact w here again. I'm back here because I don't know if anyone else has ever done a google search about things relating to their traumas, as part of research or healing, etc and have come across something that is a direct copy of what happened to them, things like that.

I am well aware that there are areas of the Internet that are dangerous (I'm a forensics major and specialist in sexual assault, abuse cases) and I honest to god didn't think I'd ever see someone carryout the same crimes that were done on me. I'm in such shock and appalled that I saw what I did. I froze up and couldn't hit the "stop" button. I dissociated enough to where I watched it twice.

I've put my therapist on alert and I'm so upset and not sure what to do. I can't believe I saw that. A part of me is going "it was a fake video, your whole abuse was made up, it didn't happen" while the other half is going "you finally saw your truth happen to someone else, you are sick for watching that."
Any advice?

How is it that things can be posted up on the Internet when they are so terrible?

[quixote]

Sherlocked,
I hope that you are okay. I'm sure it was traumatizing to see what you saw. Try not to think about it. There are bad things posted on the web.

[Sherlocked]

I just spoke with a counselor at RAINN, and it is still... just so numbness and stock. I honest to god thought it was a news story but no. May god forgive me for seeing that. It feels like a reality dose of my truth, only seeing it happen to someone else. I'm so upset. I've been sick all afternoon with my stomach in knots about it. I feel so horrible for seeing it, twice thanks to my dumb dissociation mastery.

[gods_child]

Sherlocked, I am so sorry you had that experience. It's understandable that you are having a hard time right now. I'm in chat for a bit if you need some company. I saw your request yesterday, but I'd already missed you. You are doing a wonderful job reaching out. I'm hoping today is a little bit better for you. - gc

[Sherlocked]

I was debating on reporting the website but I am honest to god terrified at being asked for other information. I can't believe I saw what I did.

[Serenity]

Sherlocked,

Please be gentle and kind with yourself. And, if you feel able, please do try to report that website. It wasn't your fault that you saw that. The people who put that stuff on the Internet are at fault. And your reaction, the dissociating and freezing, make perfect sense. That was a traumatic experience for you. You are not to blame.

With care,
Serenity

[Sherlocked]

Thank you for the concern, that means a lot. I want to report it but I want to stay anonymous. I do not want my family to learn of what happened to me before my adoption.

[Sherlocked]

I took a leap of faith and I’ve reported the websites. I stressed that I am scared to report them but it is the right thing to do.

[gods_child]

That's a big step, Sherlocked! I'm sure that took a lot of courage and strength. I'm proud of you for doing what you felt was needed. How are you today? I'll be around in chat on off today if you need some company. Take care, Sherlocked. This journey isn't easy, but you will make it. - gc

[Otterotter]

I would 100% report it, but also remember that in reporting, sometimes you have to go back and see things that you do not want to see.

Sometimes, I google my abuser. I get stuck in disassociation and look at how "normal" their life is and talk myself into the idea that a "normal" person like that couldn't have done what they did to me. When I go into a "googling" session, it can take a couple days for me to get out of the fog that it creates. The internet is a dangerous place. I have been considering different child blockers to at least give me a second to rethink my choices before I google.