I only just discovered this forum. Hoped to introduce myself nice and casual, but these past days I felt culminating confusion like never before and - may just jump into the urgent stuff please?
I am not sure what happened to me and it is making me lose my mind. Absolute excruciating confusion. Everything points to these events happening and yet I cannot comprehend it as a possibility, and keep blocking it out. I have never been this confused, and lost, in my life.
The 'everything' I refer to includes almost 100% of the symptoms of this type of abuse described in literature (including diagnoses, hospitalisations, mental and physical health symptoms, family situation, behaviours and feedback from people - straight facts that even I couldn't argue with) and the worst, and reason why I am spiralling, is that I keep getting flashbacks.
I have been steadily getting healthier and stronger over the past years since leaving my family home, and currently am at my strongest and healthiest since childhood. I have done plenty plenty of healing (including therapy and medication but most importantly my own journey). These 'memories' started coming up during my healing journey, maybe a year or two years back, but they were so unbelievable and far between I just shelved them as 'I'll probably never know for sure, nevermind.' But now they keep coming constantly, a new one almost every week - I have the visual, I hear what was said, I feel what was felt, the memories are as clear as a day just like other memories. I also get memories of how I felt about the events as a child, not only when they were happening (this is the most I was getting for a long time - just a hint to something but never the actual memory). I call them memories - but are they?? And if not, what are they, am I just fantasising, and why?
They leave me feel confused, very disgusted, very out of it, and I don't know where to place them. I feel so much pressure in my head like it's being torn in half between two opposing extremes of 'of course it happened' and 'it could've happened'. There is no doubt I have been abused as a child but I never thought it could be this kind. I am sitting here in an office and cannot focus on work because I keep coming back to the latest memory (that came yesterday), and I feel so disturbed, horribly disturbed and disgusted and lost. I am not the person to reach out, almost never, very independent, but I am losing my mind and this is too much for me to handle.
I have a phone number for counselling and will contact them when I get home. I can never speak about this with anyone I know. I have amazing close friendships where we talk about everything, but this feels like it's a parallel world that doesn't fit into my life. This whole suspicion cannot fit into who I am, I don't know how to live with it if it's true.
End of my ramble - this is the very first time I ever mentioned this to another soul. First time I ever put it into words (except my diary). I feel like I can only say this to strangers. Sorry I didn't read through the forums yet as I only just found this site couple of days ago, everything has been so quick recently and I am being a bit selfish about getting this off my chest.
Overwhelmingly grateful for this community, I really don't know where else to turn. Even just being able to post and not having this in my head only is little bit of relief.
Love,
Pine
in someone's night.
