Open Letter to Those Walking With Me

[gods_child]

To Those Who Have (& Will):

Come and sat with me in my darkness
Given me a listening ear
Checked in on me
Welcomed me back after almost a decade away
Allowed me to share pieces of my story
Made me laugh
Let me cry
Sent me hugs
Provided word of encouragement
Imparted words of wisdom
Shared your stories in solidarity
Allowed me to be vulnerable
Given me a safe space to be weak
Popped in for a quick, "hello"
Offered to just be a presence

To all who see my name pop up and don't run way
To those who will forgive all the posts I'm likely to make
I can not say "thank you" enough
I never thought I'd feel his way again
My pain is immense and my sadness deep
Still, I know I will come out on the other side
I'll keep throwing out the lifeline
Thank you for catching it
Whether it's to pull me ashore
Or anchor me to solid ground so I can find my way back
I hope to one day repay your kindness
Until then, I can only say thanks.

- gc

[Crow]

You already repay that kindness gods_child... in your short time back in this place... in the last several days you've listened to me in the chat room, and only this afternoon made me feel less alone in that twenty minutes we talked for.
You're in good company, and you probably don't realise the value you have here too

Crow

[coconuts]

Glad you are here. Hoping you find the shore soon.

Coconuts

[gods_child]

Thank you Crow and Coconuts. It takes a lot to be here. I am happy I brought myself back and I can only hope that I can help someone have a better day than I am currently experiencing. There are so many emotions that come with knowing I belong and am not seen as someone just looking for attention. I'm trying to believe all the positive things I know to be true. I hope I can believe them soon. Until then, I will try to keep reaching out. At least that's the plan. It's better than the alternative. This is messy and ugly. I don't want to be known like this. Thanks for being there for me.

To those who may read my post, but not reply: Thank you for listening and validating my feelings. I know I am not always in a position to post comments/replies, but I offer my silent support all the time. I can only assume that others sometimes feel the same. Thank you for hearing me.

-gc

[coconuts]

This is messy work. There is nothing easy or straightforward about it.

Coconuts

[gods_child]

You're right, Coconuts. I hate it, but what else can we do besides try to move forward? I'm fighting major feelings of embarrassment on top of everything else right now. I really don't like this. I'll keep going, but I really don't like it.

[coconuts]

Oh no you have nothing to be embarrassed of. What happened to us and how we responded as children and how we are coping as children and adults is understandable. A brain on trauma and abuse doesn't develop the same way. It just doesn't. I have to remind myself all the time that my reactions are a result of that and I'm still in training. There is actually quite a bit of science behind it. Fascinating really. I've taken some courses on children and trauma for work. At one we looked at ton of brain scans of children. Children who had been thru different types of abuse. They all showed significant changes to that of typical children. Even as a non medical professional it was blatantly obvious what was activated and what was failing to develop. Abuse actually causes damage to our brains. It's sad. But true. And in some ways it makes me feel a bit better so i don't own all of this as a might fault for not trying hard enough or something ( you know one of those million ways we find to blame ourselves for something that really isn't and never was our fault) .
So i have no idea what you're embarrassed about but i doubt you should be.
Coconuts

[gods_child]

Thanks Coconuts! I can't shake the embarrassing feeling that I being overly dramatic because so many people go through far worse. I know I shouldn't compare, but I just wish I had my life a little more together. I am embarrassed of my actions in the past even though I know I was acting out as a reaction to trauma. Interestingly enough, I used to be determined to become a neurosurgeon and I continue to be fascinated by studies of the brain & mind. I know there's a valid reason behind all of this. Still, I'm embarrassed because honestly, as of right now, I don't feel worthy of having a single person walk with me. I know that I should. I appreciate everyone. I just don't feel worth it. If I were someone else, I would certainly feel that person is worthy of far more than I can give. I feel that way about everyone, but I can't feel it for myself.

So I'm here. Still barely treading water in the middle of the ocean. Fighting, but going very weary. All the while feeling like no one should use their energy to help rescue me. I know it'll get better. I can't wait for that day to come. Thank you to anyone who may still read my posts. I don't feel I deserve it, but I am still thankful for your consideration.

[coconuts]

Trauma is trauma. And you are entitled to feel hurt because you were hurt. Trauma hurts us. It hurts our hearts and brains and souls. Telling yourself that others had it worse, it invalidates yourself. Says you arent worth hurting but you are. You were hurt and that is not okay.
Still sitting with you
Coconuts

[gods_child]

Thanks, Coconuts! I want to feel worthy. I want to like myself. I want to love myself. I want to feel justified with being in this space where I'm currently stuck. I'm just so tired.
-gc