Feeling Rejected When Seeking Help?

[gods_child]

Crow, thanks for cheering me on! I'm trying to feel like I did something good, but I'm still feeling like a failure.

It's Friday morning. I don't have a T. I'll be honest, I couldn't bring myself to call any this week. The thought of doing it makes my heart pound even faster. The other night I dreamt of people I never thought I'd see again and it shook me. I couldn't even place a call to get someone to help me through it. Instead, I just scrambled to do everything I could think of to maintain some resemblance of holding on. I really needed someone, but those burns from last week are still hurting. Gosh I wish I weren't so dramatic about this. I guess I'm back to consistently not getting sleep. I had two better, but not good days, but that didn't last.

I hate this. Thanks to everyone reading this. I just want to hide, but hopefully I'll keep posting and chatting to help me keep going. Did I mention I hate this?

-gc

[Crow]

Hey, you're not dramatic, just real and that's the way it is. Don't feel bad.

Crow

[Crow]

Oh, and I had a look at an article online about what you mentioned in chat last night... was really good to read
Wanted to let you know that I did look it up.

Crow

[gods_child]

Crow, you know how this feels. It's sill so exhausting. I'm longing for better days to come. It's hard to "see" myself like this and even harder not to feel bad about it.

That's cool that you found the article. I will say that a few popular ones like Washington Post mentioned Richard talking about his depression going away and him no longer taking meds around 2015. Those are old and he's addressed what happened as a result his more recent interviews. I only came across his 2020 interview on Sister Circle when randomly browsing YouTube. It stopped me in my tracks and I knew I needed to be open to getting help again. Strong SU trigger warning from around the 7:45 to 8:45 mark if you decide to watch it. I'd never heard anything about his struggles before then. Funny how I connected so much with his music to help get me through. We're all human and it's nice to see someone in his position speak out and fight for change within that environment. Now about me getting this help...

[Crow]

Thanks gods_child, I'll look up the recent one on YouTube.

Funny how I connected so much with his music to help get me through.

I feel the same about Machine Head... it's what I listened to as an eleven year old onwards, and them pretty much exclusively during some of the worst abuse. I didn't know at the time about the frontman's abusive childhood, and I didn't make the connection with the lyrics either. I think that's why now when I listen I feel I understand why I found such escape in their music.

Crow

[gods_child]

Crow, yes. Now I have an even deeper understanding and appreciation for the lyrics. I let music cry out for me when I can not.

So...it's Sunday night. That means tomorrow is Monday and I have to get back on train to finding a new T. What if I find one, but it's not a good fit? What if I find another promising place and they tell me 'no' or ignore my calls/messages? What if I find a good one and it's through my insurance and I can only got to so many sessions? It's such a deep and personal process. I know it gets intense and I only have limited sessions. Also the cost. I really want to chicken out and avoid it altogether. I can't. I must get better.

-gc

[Crow]

Hey gc,

I know only too well that struggle. If you've read any of my 'thread' you'll know the troubles I have had...
I start my trauma focused CBT with a new therapist today... hoping this goes better than the last person I had for a few sessions. And like you, cost is a factor, so I've had to go the NHS route here, and that means limited sessions and not dedicated to my issues as such.
Please keep pursuing that help you deserve.

Crow

[Harmony]

Dear Crow,

I hope you can get some healing growth using the CBT. It isn't the be all to end all but... it is useful. CBT is much more a skill building model than a hold your pain so you can heal. Many people feel because of this it is not supportive. Some just want talk therapy to try and feel better. I think the skills are so useful over the long haul. In this way they are supportive. No one should be mean or particularly cold doing CBT. It just isn't talk therapy is all.


Meanwhile we have your back here. Gc, we will listen while you learn. Feel free to share what works and doesn't. Isurive is present for you and all members 24/7. Sending you a truck of courage to find that T if you wish.

with you for the journey,
Harmony

[Crow]

Hi gods_child,

Just checking in to see how you are doing. Hope you are doing okay.

Crow

[gods_child]

Crow, thanks for checking in. I've been too embarrassed to admit I don't have a new T. I honestly haven't made any more phone calls. I've been too afraid. I need one, it's just so hard. I hope your sessions are going better than your previous ones and that you are able to make the most of what's available to you. I do wish cost and limited sessions weren't concerns we have face when getting help.

Harmony, thanks for the truckload of support. I need it just like I know I need a T. I am happy to be back home here. I know this is a space that has and will continue to serve me well.


So far I have no met my goal, but I did a least do something productive. My appointment with my doctor almost two weeks ago went well. I was really honest and I agreed to her treatment suggestions. I'm glad I did it and I'm holding out for better days. I needed some form of intervention. Now if only I can get back into the right frame of mine to find a new T. I wish this weren't so hard. I wish cost and limited sessions weren't concerns we have face when getting help. I wish I were so much better than I am right now. I'm sorry it took so long for me to reply. Thanks to everyone cheering me on.

-gc