Feeling Rejected When Seeking Help?

[gods_child]

I tried to reply so many times, but couldn't. I'm awake again after a only few hours of sleep. I can't go back to sleep. I'm not doing anything this time. A few people tell me it's okay to reach out, that I might need to do so a few times given how I felt, and that it's why there are there. They knew I was actively seeking a T. Then that person, after I have allowed myself to say all sorts of unspeakable things, tells me that I'm basically using them wrong. What she didn't know was that I was waiting on a callback from another attempt to get into therapy. That's right, even after the other night when I couldn't reach anyone at one center and I got disconnected in the middle of a chat at another, I sill gathered myself together and left a message that day with a different agency. But hey...I guess it doesn't matter.

Sleep: I'll be very generous and say I slept 3hrs overnight. That's almost 14hrs across the last 5 nights. Ugh!

[gods_child]

It's the weekend again.
Did I get setup with a T: No.
Did I try: Absolutely
Weekly sleep total: 18-19hrs (6 nights)
Emotions: All of them
Am I ok: No
Will I be: Sure
When: I don't know
Do I feel like a rejected failure: Definitely

Thank you to anyone still reading this.

[Crow]

Hey gods_child,

Hang in there. It's not your fault as you well know, but it still hurts doesn't it?! Why should you have to try so hard to get help? But you do try. And I see a strong hope in the midst of your pain and frustration.
And it's even harder with little kids to look after and support. It's no fun pretending all is okay - that's draining and I understand that. Hiding emotions from them and turning them into little games only works for so long.
I'm reading along, I'm sending my thoughts your way. At the moment it's all I can offer, along with a sense of understanding. Can you get out for a bit and try to have some fun with your kids? - yeah I know, that's hard work, but it may pay off?

You're doing so well despite it all.

Crow

[gods_child]

Thank you. I ...just thank you. I'm not giving up. I can't. I will not. Thank you.

[roseglasses]

I'm sorry that you haven't gotten any relief. You aren't a failure, you are doing all that you can do, that's pretty amazing.

[gods_child]

Roseglasses, thank you! I feel anything, but amazing right now. I'm trying to be gentle with myself, but it's so hard. I have a hard time overcoming feeling like a failure when the people I go to for help say things that lead me to feel worse. And to put it plainly, I failed to meet my goal. But alas, it helps to have you say such positive things to me. I'm trying very hard to believe them.

Crow, you're right, this hurts so much. All of this is so overwhelming. Now I keep feeling unjustified in reaching out. Like I shouldn't need help anyway. How dare I feel like I need more urgent help! I don't know... I'll keep trying to hide it from the kids. Yes, it's exhausting. I made plenty of time for playing and fun yesterday, but it almost hurts because I can't fully feel what I'm doing. Then those words of rejection come back to me reminding me of how ridiculous I'm being at the moment. But at least I can find solace in doing something positive and being present, kind of, for my family.


Tomorrow is Monday. I'll start all of this over again and try to get help. I wish it were easier to accept the words of affirmation from you all instead of the demeaning words of rejection that speak to negative thoughts I already have about myself. This shouldn't be this hard!!! I'm scared to try again. I don't want to, but I have to. What if I get rejected again? I can not give up. I have to repeat it to myself. I can not give up.

[Crow]

I made plenty of time for playing and fun yesterday, but it almost hurts because I can't fully feel what I'm doing.

I relate to that so much gods_child.

Sitting with you if you like?

Crow

[gods_child]

Crow, yes please sit.

[gods_child]

It's Tuesday. I still don't feel like I can reach out again. I know I need do it. But...I guess I need to find yet another place to seek therapy. It's not going to be cheap if I have to go through my insurance. In the mean time I called my primary doctor and I now have an appointment for next week. I must not cancel it... I just want help.

-gc

[Crow]

Hey gods_child,

Well done for reaching out to your doctor. Stay strong!
You deserve so much care and help.

Crow