Balance

[Nelll]

Hi coconuts!
No it's no problem about the Crow post

Trusting someone else not to break my walls and boundaries is really hard. As I'm sure most of you can understand, unfortunately.
I have a real hard time opening up and then just expecting that person to hurt me or use what I've said against me.
Thank you your comment though, about growing stronger. It sometimes doesn't feel that way but I guess as I'm working on it, it's proves that I am getting stronger, slowly but surely.
I hope you feel like your getting stronger over time, too.

Thank you again for your kindness,
I hope to speak to you again soon.
Nelll

[Nelll]

Hi,
On Friday my partner was meant to see his brother. His brother ended up not showing and I could see my partners disappointment and sadness. He started reading things about addiction and found himself on a thread on a site called imgur (it's more a meme site but sometimes people have conversations about what's bothering them on there) and it was regarding a man wanting to care for his brother who was an addict, in the best way possible. Most of the responses revolved around "I've been there, cut him off". Now, my partner doesn't speak much about his feelings. I could see his thoughts running around his head as.i tried to comfort him.
The thing is, I just want what's best for him. I want him to have everything that he wants. But I also want to look out for him. On the end I will obviously just be by his side throughout whatever he chooses to do. But it's scary.


I've also been thinking recently, dangerous I know, haha. But, I feel so much less stronger in the last two years. I don't know if stronger is the right word. But I'm definitely less able to push things down and get on with it now. I shouldn't compare the two but my brain does it before I can tell it to stop, but I remember one of the first times I had to see my counsin again. I was so so scared, sick to my stomach. Over the car ride there I had scratched my hands untill they were bleeding. But I was able to look him in the face and accept his hug hello in front of my family. I remember how empty and dead I felt inside. Even after the second, third and forth time seeing him.
But with K (my brother's brother) my body and mind just will not allow me to put myself through that. I can mentally prepare myself so much and still this paralyzing fear comes over me and I just.cannot.do.it.
I question why this is, when I was able to see my cousin again. Granted when I see my cousin I do everything I can to drink or smoke to hide how I'm feeling. But I honestly don't think I could do that with K.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I should be replying to other people's posts. I'm sorry.

Maybe as I have started to address things in a more functional way(not drinking and smoking) and I just can't ignore things anymore. I guess that's growing. But I wish I could be stronger.

Just writing thoughts down really.
Thank you if you've got this far.

Nelll

[Crow]

Hi Nelll,

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I should be replying to other people's posts. I'm sorry.

There's no need to apologise for your needs. You write as you need to. There's no 'should' here... no need to reply or post or anything. Just do what you feel is right and write what you need to write. Your needs are important.

I don't have much to add regarding your partner... just being there for him as you are is good enough.
And don't be hard on yourself either.

Crow

[gods_child]

Nelll,

You are most certainly stronger than you realize, but I understand feeling the complete opposite. It's hard when we are processing such intense emotions. This process is hard and full of ups and downs. No two situations are alike and we never know how we will react to them. It's ok to be able to feel and not always suppress feelings we care to avoid. You're growing and addressing your trauma in healthier ways. Just like working out, it's not always pleasant and can be uncomfortable and/or painful at times.

I am happy your are exploring maintaining your boundaries more than you have in the past. Your mental and emotional well-being is paramount. I don't know what I would do if I were in your position and I'm afraid I don't much much advice beyond acknowledging your feelings and being true to them. There is not one right way to go about this journey. Say what you need when you need. Your presence here is all about doing what's best to help you move forward. No worries about where you are posting and when. I myself sometimes take a lot longer than I like to reply to people on the forums. Do what you need to feel okay in the moment and forget the rest. We've been there.

You are making great strides. Keep growing and healing!

-gc