Balance

[Nelll]

Hi everyone,
I wrote a massive post about this and I just deleted it all. Its a hard one.
But long story short, my now boyfriend who I have lived with for two years and we couldn't be happier, is my ex boyfriends brother. Awful I know but I wouldn't change it for the world. You know when you just know?

My other half and his brother haven't spoken in two years and have just started speaking online. Although I'm happy for them both it scares me alot. his brother was a very angry person, a thief and an abuser. Emotionally, physically.

I know one day I'll see him again, and it will be hard. I will keep a brave face but it isn't easy.

I just wondered if anyone had any ideas on how to keep everything balanced. How do I make sure their bond is good without crossing a line for myself? I worry about trying to be strong and just having a full blown panic attack when I do see him.

Sorry I said I deleted the long post, this is long too but much shorter than it would have been.

Any advice is welcome, or just pop in to say hi. I'd love to know how you are.

Nelll

[Crow]

Hi Nelll,

Wow, that is tricky. Not sure I have any advice.
My twin brother and I were so close all our childhood, and I suppose all we went through together made us stronger together. However, when we went to college I met my (now) wife. She was on the same college course as my brother. I met her through meeting my brother at lunch times, and she would be there with some other girls too.
I ended up spending a lot of time with her as you do when you first start seeing someone. But, that meant that my brother felt like I'd abandoned him. It wasn't like that at all, but we all have to meet people and start lives of our own. It didn't mean that I didn't want to hang out with him, I was just in love.
He resented my wife and my relationship with my brother has never been the same. I wish we were closer again but it just isn't that way anymore.
Different scenario entirely I know, but I understand how strange the situation must be for your partner and his brother. We never managed to solve the awkwardness... and my wife doesn't know how to navigate it even now.
Doesn't help you much I know, but I feel for you and them.

Hope you're feeling a bit better than you have been the past few days.

Crow

[coconuts]

First of of you read most of my posts you will see how very long winded i am. I stopped trying so hard to keep them short. Im just a wordy person.

I think its hard to know. If I was in a similar situation I think I would let things develoo between the two brothers while also talking carefully to your now partner about your concerns. That it was a terrible experience with brother and as such you dont feel entirely safe with him, but you also understand how important sibling relationships are and dont want to be responsible for coming between them. Ask him how he thinks you should proceed to help everyone feel safe without feeling like a wedge between them.

Really though Im not sure there is a straightforward answer. But, you deserve to be and feel safe. You do not have to force yourself into an unsafe situation.

Coconuts

[Kokoschka]

Hi Nelll,
I'm glad you're in such a loving relationship and am mostly to say hi here as l don't have a lot to add to Coconuts and Crow's comments.
I understand the situation isn't easy as you love your partner and don't want to hurt his feelings but in my opinion your safety and well being should be top priority for you.

Wishing you the best, Kokoschka

[Nelll]

Hi Crow,
Thanks for your reply
Thanks for sharing that with me to, although it's not the exact same situation it does reflect how brother bonds can be sometimes. I really do hope they continue to talk and work through things, I don't really ask what they speak about as my other half will tell me if he wants to.
I hope this fright gets resolved as I think that would be best for them both.

Luckily, his mum and step dad have now come round. They obviously didnt approve of the situation and I was next in line to th devil. I hope us having that bond will help us along the way.

Nelll

[Nelll]

Hi coconuts,
Thanks for your reply and support. I have read through some of your posts and I love a wordy read. I'm sorry to hear about your brother, I really am. If you ever want to talk you know where I am.

I will definitely speak to my partner about my concerns but also let him know alot that I am just putting it out there as I do really want them to have a bond.

Your words have sat with me (in a good way) in regards to deserving to be and feel safe. You're very right, I've never really thought of that before..

Nelll

[Nelll]

Kokoschka,

Thanks for you replying, it means alot even if it is just to say hi. I hope you're having a good day.
All the best

Nelll

[Nelll]

Hi everyone.

My partner's mum had a coffee in our garden yesterday for mother's Day, she brought her dog also( which means I have a distraction yay)

But whilst we were sitting there, her other son (from the story above) was mentioned. He has got himself in a bad way again and got his flat broken into and beaten up because of something relating to drugs.
His mum thinks this has put him on a new path and he's automatically better..

I will call the brother in question K for the ease of the story. But K is now desperate for myself and my partner to reconnect and all be friends again. It's all happening to fast.

I don't trust him so much. It hurts to not be able to scream and stop the world from spinning so this doesnt happen. The thought of seeing him makes my stomach curl. The bruises he left behind raise to the surface again and sting as if their fresh.
I get flash backs of trying with all my force to hold a door shut so he couldn't get to me. Only for him to throw himself down the stairs multiple times to get me out of the room. I see his face, his spit as he shouts, the way his mouth moves when I need to run. The shouting, the stomping, the anger.

I used to wake up to him having sex with me all of the time, he knew my past extremely well. We did alot of drugs that I hadn't done before so I shared alot with him in great detail. But still he would do it. I remember when I was in a drugged haze and was literally slapped into reality, he slapped me because he thought it was attractive whilst he was having sex with me. I pushed him off immediately.

He blamed me for being raped, taken against my will or just abused in general.
It hurts my heart to know what my other half still wants to know him after he did this to me... Is this normal?

My heart is so heavy.

If someone could talk, it would be lovely.

Thank you
Nelll

[Crow]

Oh Nelll, that's so difficult. I really do not know what to suggest... I know that doesn't help you though.
Triggers... anxiety... helplessness... it's not fair.
Have you registered for the chat room here?

Crow

[Nelll]

Hi Crow, thank you for replying.
No pressure to suggest anything, your support is more than enough.

I have registered there yes. I feel a little pressure though as I can get distracted or have to pick up a call at work and then not reply to someone. I wouldn't want to leave anyone hanging but it seems I need it most when I'm working.

I hope your okay
Nell