Balance

[Crow]

No worries Nelll. I just thought that in chat we could 'chat' if you needed to, but I understand the predicament with work.

Crow

[Nelll]

I would love to spend some time in chat, I really should make some time at home to do so. I'm the worst when it comes to replying sometimes.

I know this is an odd question, and feel free not to answer. But if you were in my partners position, knowing your brother did these things to someone who you love. What would you do?

I have alot of past in thinking everything's normal untill I'm broken and then it all hits me that I wasn't treated right.

Either way, whether you feel like answering that or not I hope the sun is shining for you like it is here. And that your bird food hasn't blown away in the wind (if you are having strong winds like us)

Nelll

[coconuts]

Oh nell thats very hard. I would think a clear boundary needs to be set here. You should not allow him in your life. He is unsafe on many different levels. And getting better from such behavior takes time and outside hell. He used and manipulated you.

For his brother (your partners) side. I can in ways understand that they have a relationship and he is in the middle now. If I was in a similar position I would not want to be in the middle of that for fear of him blaming me for ruining or keeping them apart. I think its good to set a firm boundary. Let your partner know how very triggered you are from brothers behaviors. I might say he was welcome to visit with his brother but not in our home and not when Im around. You have a right to feel and be safe and protected. You don't have to accept him into your life. And you certainly have a right to set boundaries.

Listening and caring
Coconuts

[Crow]

Hi Nelll,

Don't worry about replies and stuff, it's totally fine.

Coconuts has made some really good points, and I don't have much to add. It's difficult with hypothetical questions, but my view would be that if I love someone and they had been hurt by my brother I would be making sure I didn't let him be around her. I'd make sure of that.

Crow

[Nelll]

Coconuts,
Thank you for replying. Yesterday was so hard for me, today I am feeling slightly better. Atleast I'm not crying at work -again.

When me and OH spoke about everything our relationship may cause before we actually went ahead with anything. It's caused a massive uproar (as you can imagine) to the point we weren't allowed to show we were together to our families. We stayed in alot of hotels and spoke on park benches for hours on end in the cold. The trouble was, he saw alot of what his brother did to me. He was my safety blanket even then. I wouldn't make a joke unless he was around just incase it went sour as it normally did.

I'm not sure what the point of that story was, but I suppose it gives insight.

My fear now is that when I speak to me OH, he will already have alot of pressure on him in regards to his brother. Lots of worries and doubts. I don't want to make things worse for him by telling him how broken I feel. Is it easier to just push it all down? That's not a very good idea, I know that really.

I think I will speak to him about this, this weekend. Ah crying again, it's almost laughable how often this happens.

Thank you again for replying. I'm sorry my response isn't very good and I really rambled at you.
I hope you're have a good day

Nelll

[Nelll]

Thank you Crow,

Allowing myself to be protected is a tough one.

I hope you're doing okay today

Nelll

[Crow]

Hi Nelll,

Be gentle with yourself.
I'm okay today thank you.

Crow

[Nelll]

Hiya Crow,
I'm glad you're okay today. I hope the rest of the week is kind to you.

Thank you for always being there when you can.
Nelll

[Nelll]

Hello,
Things seem to be changing very quickly with this.

On good Friday I was given half an hour's notice in public as to whether I wanted to go and see my other half a brother with him. I panicked and I did not go. My mind and my body just would not allow me to. I could write alot about how it felt. But I just felt awful, just awful.

(A quick thank you to the people that were in the chat on that day,I needed you and you supported me, I couldn't thank you enough)

He came home later than planned (which is something I've never had an issue with, life sometimes gets delayed and that's how it is) but he was drunk. He told me how everything went back to normal within seconds of seeing each other. Laughing and joking and pretending like nothing had happened. I tried my absolute best to be happy for him, which I am. It just hurts at the same time.
We spoke about it for sometime, he was happy with how it went and wanted to share that with me. I smiled and kept telling him how glad I was for him. I had been crying since I got home, I shut the world out via curtains and just listened to loud music whilst I sat on the sofa balling my eyes out. I didn't mention any of this to him as I didn't want to rain on his parade.

But he mentioned that I am now invited to his other brother's wedding in July. And he and his mum and want everyone to get along before then. "Get along". Fuck.

Whilst I was with his brother, we were all very good friends. We spent everyday as a three (me, K, and my now partner, B) and they want it to go back to that.. in less than three months.

I feel like I'm drowning. How can this be? I'm going to be the only one holding this up, people will think I'm being difficult. I'll do everything I can to ignore this and trust that it's going to be okay. I'm really hurting. How am I supposed to do this in less than three months?
I haven't had a chance to bring this up as I have been in hospital for the last two days but I need to have a conversation with him this weekend.
Am I being selfish? My boundaries are being destroyed and I feel like I'm frantically trying to build up my walls.

There are probably alot of spelling mistakes, I'm sorry.

I hope everyone is well today. I'm thinking of you all.

Thank you for being here.
Nelll

[Crow]

Hi Nelll,

Firstly, your boundaries are important. And no, you're not being selfish.

Secondly, if you want to chat again, I can jump into chat for a bit in a little while.

Thirdly, hospital...? Is everything okay?

Fourthly (is that a word? - doesn't look right to me ), I can't get my thoughts straight to put into a post, but I think you are totally justified to be thinking and feeling this way about the wedding situation.

Thinking of you Nelll.

Crow