What About Me?

An area for new members to introduce themselves, as well as a place where all members can share concerns, questions or general posts.
Everyone is welcome here.

Moderators: quixote, Harmony, Jonesy

Magpie
Member
Posts: 111
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:51 pm

What About Me?

Post by Magpie » Sun Aug 30, 2020 8:43 pm

You keep saying over and over how sad you all are,
how much pain I’ve brought to the family
on bringing things up about the past.

What a toll it’s taken on your health,
How dare I spread lies and make up things
That have been said behind closed doors,
How dare I question things.

Well the truth is, the reason I am here........

I ask the questions because I was never honoured with the answers. I speak up because the truth sets me free. I dare to cast light into those shadows you feel so comfortable dwelling behind, because I chose to be awake. I choose that teenage girl who had no voice, and couldn’t make sense of her life. You can pretend I’m not here, you can pretend I’m a liar, you can even pretend that none of it matters.

What about me? What about my sleepless nights, my tears, my aching body. My rights to be heard. What about my health? My family? Just because I bring it all out into the light now, doesn’t mean it doesn’t still affect me every single day. I just don’t scream and shout like you do. I have suffered in silence for so many years. Not even knowing what it was at first. You can say you are done, disappointed or make me feel like I’m crazy. I heard you, I see you. I guess if I had mattered, none of this would have happened in the first place.

I count, I deserve peace, I deserve love, I matter too.
Last edited by Harmony on Mon Aug 31, 2020 4:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited trigger indicator from MT to NT due to no specific content nor language.

heavenlydove
Member
Posts: 44
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 2:14 pm

Re: What About Me?

Post by heavenlydove » Sun Aug 30, 2020 10:56 pm

Hi Magpie,

You write so well I am sure so many people will relate with what you wrote here. It is unreal how many times survivors of bad abuse have been the ones blamed for stirring things up about their past abuse. It is rare that the perpetrators of bad abuse of one type or another ever repent greatly and really try to make amends, let alone go to therapy to get better (some do but not as many as one would like). An acknowledgement and apology was all I ever wanted from my folks when I was younger, especially my dad - he only once apologized for beating me for years (and only because it never achieved the intended effect ie. that it made us study harder and better). My brother never even heard that apology. Instead, mother called us liars when we told her the full extent of the abuse and even now family members like my dad's sister doesn't want to listen to my moaning about the bad effects I am suffering due to years of abuse at the hands of my dad. I do not tell her these things to annoy her, only because I sometimes cannot cope with my dissociation, trauma effects, etc. so I talk to her about it to try to cope through it. But she always says she doesn't want to hear it, "leave the past in the past". Easy for her to say - when she never went through all that and does not have to live with the after effects. My dad was at theirs only a few times since he left at 25 years old and she said they spent years recovering from his few very infrequent visits. But she saw nothing compared to me and brother who lived through years on end of that. 2 weeks of shit vs 45 years of ongoing daily crap. Cannot quite compare the two. But apparently, it is better for me to not talk about it as it is not pleasant to remind her of that - thanks aunt. So kind of you to be so thoughtful towards us all.
Last edited by Harmony on Mon Aug 31, 2020 4:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited trigger indicator from NT to MT due to language.

heavenlydove
Member
Posts: 44
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 2:14 pm

Re: What About Me?

Post by heavenlydove » Sun Aug 30, 2020 11:38 pm

Magpie,

I just want to say - I hear you and am so sorry for all that you went through, through all the times you were badly treated, felt thoroughly awful, let down, anxious, confused, depressed, suicidal, not knowing how to cope through all that you went through. It was not your fault but such people have a way of making one feel that it was one's fault even when it was not. Abusive people have a way of turning things upside down, justifying all their bad behaviours, by be-littleling those they hurt, putting down their complaints, just so they do not need to face what they have done. By doing that, they downbeat the already downtrodden and add to the heartache already felt. No wonder survivors can feel victimized in some ways over and over again. It is like the same wound is being opened up again, especially if one is around these people on a regular basis. When I was with my family, I often felt like a thin piece of mold between two big steamrollers ( the two of them). I was what was left between the two. They were people who were at each other's throat all the time. I could never really develop a strong sense of self as I had always to do what they wanted and despite trying hard to please nothing was ever good enough. When my dad was alive, for 45 years I felt a lot like what you wrote but I would speak up for myself especially the latter years - I often mentioned how I was affected by their bad behaviour, although I tried to forgive them and act very differently towards them in return. I didn't keep it to myself and talking about my past helped me cope looking after them - otherwise, I would not have coped so well. I tried not to hold it against them, but I also refused to let them think it had not badly affected me. I felt they deserved to know the truth of what they had caused me, so they would at least learn in hindsight that what they had done to us was really damaging to our self-esteem. Maybe others would not do what I have done, and may be better for it, but I did what I felt right at the time, in the circumstances I was faced with. I would not question anyone who would choose to live a million miles from such people and no ever wish to speak to them again. That would have been equally fine to do, if not wiser than what I chose to do with my life. But so far, I am satisfied with what I ended up doing, though of course I may well resent it in the future - who knows.

Magpie
Member
Posts: 111
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:51 pm

Re: What About Me?

Post by Magpie » Mon Aug 31, 2020 5:13 am

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I had a moment when I wrote it that my whole family are blaming me. They talk about the shame, the heartache, the illness it’s caused them. And it makes me feel so Awful inside to hear that. Then I realised, amongst the pain and anguish I felt for causing that.....wait, stop! I’m believing them, believing there need to try to gaslight and manipulate and control, all because they don’t like me standing up for what I believe is right. Calling them out. None of them cared when I said I was hurting, no one listened when I said it affected me. That’s why I thought to myself “what about me?”. Thanks again love and light to you all x

Crow
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Posts: 851
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: What About Me?

Post by Crow » Mon Aug 31, 2020 11:38 am

And this is what I like so much about isurvive. It's an outlet for us to speak our minds and share our feelings in a safe place, knowing that we all understand to varying degrees what we are each going through and have been through, without the unbelieving blaming responses in return.

Crow

heavenlydove
Member
Posts: 44
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 2:14 pm

Re: What About Me?

Post by heavenlydove » Tue Sep 01, 2020 5:02 pm

Glad you are able to find your voice, stand up for yourself and not accept them demeaning what happened to you. Your family may not be comfortable listening to these things, but then they caused you inner anguish for years as you rightly stated. Gaslighting and other manipulations/exertions of control are common in abuse households as a way of handling uncomfortable truths and emotions. Good luck with working your way through that. It may take time for them to really start taking in what it caused to you, or they may resist it indefinitely. Hard to know at present. All you can do is speak your truth and own your truth, and refuse to be made into a scapegoat for something that was not your fault. Good Luck. As Crow said this is a great place to find the validation you have never got from your folks and a great place to hopefully help you move forward and heal.

Magpie
Member
Posts: 111
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:51 pm

Re: What About Me?

Post by Magpie » Tue Sep 01, 2020 7:07 pm

Thank you 😊 so many times I have to remind myself to put my needs first, that shouldn’t be but I guess the default mode for me has always been putting others needs before my own. Stay strong everyone x
Last edited by Harmony on Wed Sep 02, 2020 12:06 am, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: edited trigger indicator from MT to NT due to no specific content nor language.

heavenlydove
Member
Posts: 44
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 2:14 pm

Re: What About Me?

Post by heavenlydove » Tue Sep 01, 2020 10:46 pm

I also have the same trouble as you, putting others before myself which is not always to my benefit. It is important at least to find some people who can be on your side, giving you encouragement and support when it is failing from immediate family. Often those closest to us behave the worst, as they know they can get away with it, whereas friends can offer support and an outside perspective when it is missing in one's family. Families can be so toxic, so all we can hope for is finding friends who can counteract that. God knows where I would have been without friends but even if one does not have them, at least they can come here and get support here among people who know what shit looks like in life!! That helps for sure! XX

coconuts
Member
Posts: 4765
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: What About Me?

Post by coconuts » Wed Sep 02, 2020 12:38 pm

I very much understand what you are saying. I remain in silence about my experiences around my family. They ridiculed and shamed me for revealing family secrets. "What happened behind closed doors should stay behind closed doors" WhenI was young it was to the extreme. I guess i just learned to shut up and not speak out. I dont feel like i could ever confront any of them again.

When I was 19 i tried telling my grandma that didnt she see how much her words and rejection hurt me all because she hated my mother. She slapped me. Im pretty sure Ive never spoken out to family since about anything. I guess i still need that connection too much. Im not ready to be completely tossed out by them. Maybe its cowardice. I dont really know. What I do know is that speaking out results in fallout for me more than them it seems. Not worth it for me. Im not strong enough to do that. Its continually demaging to be reminded by them how little worth I am to them and to be blamed by them for ruining the family image or bringing up the past or letting things just be. My dad had admitted that his father was not a good person in these simple words, " We dont speak ill of the dead." If anyone asks him about his father that is what he says. That is as far as he will go. The family that utterly rejected me for speaking out about his abuse and called me a liar and berated me for ruining the family image. And yet these suddle things show me that they know the truth. Tm

While I might feel a bit like a coward for not confronting them like I did when younger, I think that there have been tiny moments of them admitting things. Tiny things they are afraid to speak. My father hugs me long and gentle and loving every time he sees me. Never do i remember those hugs as a child.

For the most part I just keep my distance. It maintains my outsider status with them, which stings a bit, but ultimately Im not sure they are the kind of people I really want to associate with. Blood is all that holds us together.

Somewhere, in some part of me, I logically can see that the real cowards are them. They who can continue to ridicule and blame a victim rather than facing truth.

heavenlydove
Member
Posts: 44
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 2:14 pm

Re: What About Me?

Post by heavenlydove » Wed Sep 02, 2020 6:22 pm

Hi Coconuts,

Sorry you feel you cannot discuss things that happened to you with your family or about things that have bothered you over the years- I suppose only you know what you feel you can talk about with your family given your individual situation and the type of family you have. Different families react differently to difficult things and conversations. With ours when me and my brother grew up we felt we could say things even show our upset/displeasure about things much more than before - my brother more so than me. When I realized I was being affected by abuse, that's when I really started speaking up. It is however not possible in every home and situation. Sometimes it takes many small even tiny attempts to get somewhere and get a breakthrough about something, but even then much as it is affirming to openly talk about abuse one suffered, in many ways it also cannot completely undo the past. But it can feel very liberating to be able to speak one's truth as well as healing if one combines it with therapy I think.

It is interesting that your dad mentioned one should not speak ill of the dead when referring to his father. My brother who used to say bad things about my dad while he was alive and criticized him openly now mentions I should not speak ill of the dead. Suddenly my dad is a good guy in his eyes whereas for me more of my dad's bad behaviours are now visible to me. When I was looking after him, I was trying so hard to get on with him, I would downplay all his bad behaviours just to cope through the day. My brother did not see much of my dad then. He did not see or speak to him for a year and a half, basically, till my dad was on his deathbed in a coma. I was with dad 24-7 everyday. My brother never even went to my dad's funeral. Now he does not want to hear my criticisms of dad. I only say them to show how damaging my father's behaviour was. But brother makes me feel like I am a traitor to dad when he says that I should not be speaking ill of the dead. I have nothing to feel guilty about - I tried my best to get on with dad and was as best a daughter as anyone could be. Why can I not say what I think now he is no longer around to pussyfoot around.

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