Depression, help

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Sherlocked
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Posts: 102
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:25 pm

Depression, help

Post by Sherlocked » Wed Aug 26, 2020 3:39 pm

Hi,
I’ve been stuck in a haze of depression and it’s been a while since I’ve had a bad episode like this one. It is from the restrictions still in place in my state (no movie theaters, no indoor dining), it’s from the realization of how much little things, silly things were lost this spring and summer due to the pandemic shutdowns, it’s from hearing all the hate from the Republican Convention happening, it’s from the amount of trauma related things quarantine only made worse. It is sadness, anger, anger towards my abusers, anger towards my younger self, wanting to indulge in my eating disorders until I’m sick, anger towards my body.

It is hating myself so much for being transgender, a popular lie is that we’re pedophiles. I am not a bad person, I’m not a pedophile!!! Yes, I have had moments of pocd but not in such a long time.

My partner has been a saint through all this. How he stays with me is a miracle.

All I want to do is sleep, cry, scream, repeat. It’s the heartbreaking feeling of not deserving love.

I do have my on-call therapist, thank god. I know I can pull myself out of this but I need help. Has anyone else had their depression increase?
Last edited by Harmony on Wed Aug 26, 2020 8:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no specific triggering content nor language
"There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. However bad life may seem, while there is life, there is hope." - Stephen Hawking

EasyStreet
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Posts: 652
Joined: Fri Mar 22, 2019 7:36 pm

Re: Depression, help

Post by EasyStreet » Wed Aug 26, 2020 7:28 pm

Hi Sherlocked,

You are not alone, many of us have been in the same places.

Try to focus on what you have that is good, however small or trivial it might seem. Let the light chase away the darkness by focusing on the good.

Continue to reach out, the light is there.

Never ever give up.

Remembering my own deep depressions, and sending you waves of goodness (if you want them).

Take care.
EasyStreet
Thanks for being.

Harmony
Site Admin
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Posts: 6013
Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: Depression, help

Post by Harmony » Wed Aug 26, 2020 8:22 pm

Dear Sherlocked,
I hear you. There is plenty of rhetoric, weather, social strife right now to make a person with PTSD go down the rabbit hole. I know for me I have to turn. it. off. Unplug from media. Sometimes it is important to take care of your own self and let society do what it does. I hear you loud and clear. Self care including calling your on call therapist maybe a healthy choice. Remember seeking help doesn't make you "sick" it makes strong enough to know you wish assistance. We all need a little help sometimes. Let us begin with ourselves and move outward.

Meanwhile please let us know how you are doing. If it is unbearable pick up the phone. If you need company call a hotline. Our resources section has some helpful ideas.

Think of good things we can do to help our mood improve. It is different for each of us. For me it is a walk down to return a book to the library. Then I plan on a healthy sugarless snack. Then I plan on sitting in the sunshine doing some my craft project (needlework). Then if I don't feel better I will call someone who can support me. I can also post here and blow off steam.

Let me know if any of this is helpful. I really understand.

take good care,
Harmony

coconuts
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Posts: 4794
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Depression, help

Post by coconuts » Thu Aug 27, 2020 12:44 am

Oh yes my mental health has definitely suffered through all of this. Ive found i have to be extremly intentional about bringing in positive and avoiding negative. I went thru some of my social media and joined some more inspiring and uplifting things and blocked some of the more upsetting things. Including friends who post more negative stuff. I found that made a big difference. Also i dont watch the news much. I just cant. Its so negative and election years are brutal with mud slinging politicians all hating on each other. I dont want to know. Maybe im a bit like a kid with my fingers in my ears but I think its better lol.

Hoping you can remember the things that bring you joy and find ways to bring more joy and light into your life.

Caring

Coconuts

Jonesy
Director
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Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: Depression, help

Post by Jonesy » Thu Aug 27, 2020 10:47 am

Hi Sherlocked

Adding my support. If you ever want to make a plan to catch up in chat, just drop me an email
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org

Noname
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Posts: 2573
Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2013 4:58 pm

Re: Depression, help

Post by Noname » Thu Aug 27, 2020 1:24 pm

Hi Sherlocked,

Yup, my depression and anxiety have definitely increased, and I know a lot of people are experiencing the same. There are studies showing that people who have never experienced depression are experiencing it now because of everything that's going on.

I've been purposely not watching the RNC, but have been watching highlights and commentary and reading fact-checking articles (and boy do those fact-checkers have their work cut out for them with this....). I try to avoid too much media coverage of everything in general. I want to be informed, but I tend to go way too far down all the rabbit holes, so I give myself media time limits. I've also found that sometimes when depression or anxiety gets to a certain point, trying to pull myself out of it can make it worse. Sometimes I have to just ride the wave, which sucks but it's all I can do sometimes.

It's good that you have your boyfriend and your on-call T, and like Harmony said there are other avenues of support. Posting here if it's helpful, calling a hotline if needed, lots of self-care. These are strange and hard times, but you can get through this, we all can. You're not alone.

heavenlydove
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Posts: 44
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 2:14 pm

Re: Depression, help

Post by heavenlydove » Thu Aug 27, 2020 8:18 pm

Hi Sherlocked,

Anxiety and depression has certainly increased for a lot of people. The only thing is that no-one I know said they found lockdown particularly challenging. I was feeling like I was the only one who did in the whole neighbourhood!! Maybe people here just prefer to keep such things to themselves ( I live in the UK) but I find it hard to not mention the fact that I was struggling with it all. I started off OK and it was not too bad for about the first 3 weeks but then it started to affect me much more. I started isolating myself from other people (on the internet and on the phone) - which probably made things worse. I am looking after my disabled mum and I felt that i was starting to go a bit funny after a while - my brain went into a shut down mode after a few weeks. I cannot imagine what it must have been like for people who had to care for elderly with serious dementia or those living with someone really abusive. I am so lucky I was not stuck with my brother, which would have been unbearable. I have tried to take my mum out quite a lit in the last month so I feel I am not quite so shut off anymore. But I am feeling depressed, about my life, about the fact my brain is not functioning as it should. I feel overwhelmed and so hopeless. I am like a lot of you trying not to watch too much depressing news as that depresses me even more and gets me worried about the future. Sometimes apparently depression can manifest itself in other ways. In my case, my lack of brain function is probably down to some depression. I am so saddened to see my mum going downhill, I can tell its affecting me. Unfortunately, it looks like Coronavirus has more likely affected people with issues already than those more resilient. But even as you all mentioned, new people have felt affected by the lockdown who probably never had any issues before. I am dreading any further lockdowns as I am already struggling now.

Harmony
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Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: Depression, help

Post by Harmony » Thu Aug 27, 2020 8:30 pm

Dear all,

I hear each of you. Feel free to post as you need to do. We are stronger together. This is not easy. We can do it the best we can. That is just going to have to be good enough. None of our performances during this time needs judgement nor critic. We are all surviving. That is good and enough. The struggle and hardship of this time of life is real.

repeat as needed,
Harmony

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