3 questions and a 'Hello'

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Orlas
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Joined: Mon Aug 10, 2020 9:21 pm

3 questions and a 'Hello'

Post by Orlas » Thu Aug 13, 2020 4:14 pm

Hello!

I have never met people like me. Usually I can't talk to anyone about it. So can I ask 3 quick questions?
1. Am I the only one who sometimes PHYSICALLY can't talk about what happened? Even if I want to, my jaw does not move, like when you try to touch a hot thing and your hand just pulls away itself.
2. Am I the only one who did not know they were abused for a long time? I did not know much about 'outside' and thought I just have to endure and it happens to every child. Only when I started living alone and meeting other families I started realizing how wrong it was.
3. How do you deal with having to communicate with your abusers? I don't want to harm anyone, it does not really matter whom, but just thinking of being with one of them makes me physically sick. And it's even hard to be with people who did not hurt me, but remind me of it. I feel trapped HAVING to see them. Like all of the harm went unnoticed and no one cares.

I am sorry if it's too many questions.
Last edited by Serenity on Fri Aug 14, 2020 11:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT as no triggering detail included

Serenity
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Re: 3 questions and a 'Hello'

Post by Serenity » Fri Aug 14, 2020 11:16 am

Hi and welcome, Orlas. I'm sorry for the reasons, but glad you are here. And you absolutely did not ask too many questions at all. These are actually pretty common questions survivors have. Here are my answers. I'm sure others will chime in here too.

1. No, you are not the only one. I experienced something very similar at first, too.
2. No, you are not the only one. You'll find that many people experience this. Either not understanding that what they went through was abuse, because it was their "normal", or through repressing memories that return later on.
3. This is a tough one for sure, and unfortunately the answer to that question is that you have to figure out what works for you. Are you able to try to limit contact? If so that might help. Either way boundaries are super important, but difficult to figure out, especially if you aren't used to setting and enforcing them yet.

Do you have a therapist (T)? They would be able to help you navigate all of this, but I know that's not a possibility for everyone. We do have some books listed in our resources section that you might find helpful (if you are interested): https://isurvive.org/helpful-resources/ ... d-helpful/

Again, welcome. Feel free to ask whatever questions you need.

With care,
Serenity

coconuts
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Re: 3 questions and a 'Hello'

Post by coconuts » Fri Aug 14, 2020 3:42 pm

Hello, welcome. I actually like your listed questions. Straight forward and easy to address.

1) I think this is common for many people. I still struggle greatly. I feel like a fish opening and closing my mouth but incapable of actually spitting out the words I so desperately want to but am afraid to. I think it relates to feeling safe enough. As Ive felt safer. As Ive tried a little at a time and learned there were no bad reactions, its become easier though still difficult for me

2)This is very common. The worls tends to turn away and hide the ugly truths. So many children are left thinking that what happens is normal. Even if they dont like it or it hurts, they think its just something people dont talk about. In my family they actually said, people dont talk about or share these things with ithers. So as a child i assumed other children just didnt share.

3) This one is hard. Boundaries are super important. They've been crossed over and over and its hard to set them. I dont have contact with by biggest abusers, however i do still have some contact with 2 of them. Its definitely difficult. For the one we just dont talk about it. I dont allow continued mistreatment but I dont bring it up either. Its a delicate balancing act being around them. I moved away and have quite infrequent contact which was a good move for me.

Ask away, you will probably find someone here who understands, likely many. Survivors tend to feel isolated and alone, truth is the things you feel are likely quite common.

Coconuts

Harmony
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Re: 3 questions and a 'Hello'

Post by Harmony » Fri Aug 14, 2020 9:43 pm

Hi Orlas,

I am glad to see the others have answered your questions nicely. Welcome to the forum. It sounds like you are one of us! Good job posting.

Harmony

Orlas
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Joined: Mon Aug 10, 2020 9:21 pm

Re: 3 questions and a 'Hello'

Post by Orlas » Sat Aug 15, 2020 5:41 pm

Thank you so much! You all are very sweet, and I am very grateful to be around people who are like me. And, by the way, your Forum names (Serenity, Coconuts, Harmony) are beautiful and meaningful, I love them.
Thank you for welcoming me!
Last edited by Jonesy on Sat Aug 15, 2020 6:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Removed 3 entirely quoted posts

Jonesy
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Re: 3 questions and a 'Hello'

Post by Jonesy » Sat Aug 15, 2020 6:38 pm

Hi Orlas

A warm welcome to isurvive
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org

Nebula
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Re: 3 questions and a 'Hello'

Post by Nebula » Sun Aug 16, 2020 10:40 pm

Hi there. I just joined and saw your post. Thought I can tell you my perspective on your questions.

1. Sometimes it's like my brain just can't handle talking about it, like it's just too much work. Not quite the same, but that's what I experience. Sometimes I'll disassociate too mid sentence when I am forcing myself to talk about it. Most of the time I don't have any problems talking to my therapist but this does happen sometimes.

2. No, you are not alone! I too thought what I was growing up with was just normal. I was always puzzled by my friends' parents who were always so nice to me and to my friends. My mother hated me having friends over, so I spent more time (especially as a teenager) at other peoples' houses. I honestly spent several years in therapy before I realized I was abused. Something my therapist said... I was talking about something I'd been through as a child and must have said I thought I was weird for feeling that way. She said, "I think anyone who lived through the type of abuse you did would feel similarly". I just looked at her kind of puzzled and said, "I wasn't abused". I even said what my mother had said to me, "She put food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. I wasn't abused". My therapist challenged me to do some research on abuse before my next session. The internet was still pretty young at that time, so I actually went to the library and read some books. That's when it really hit me. I really WAS abused and no, it wasn't something everyone went through nor was it "normal".

3. My main abuser was my mother. I cut off all contact with her 12 years ago when I moved out of state. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but looking back, now I can say it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made for myself. If you feel that you wish to stay in communication with your abusers, set some strong boundaries with them. It can be hard to do at first, especially when so many people like us were probably never allowed to have boundaries when we were kids. There's a book, and a workbook, called Stop Walking on Eggshells that can be helpful when learning to set up healthy boundaries. What you chose to do is completely up to you, no one can make that decision for you. But yes, in my case, going no contact was very healthy for me.

quixote
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Re: 3 questions and a 'Hello'

Post by quixote » Wed Aug 26, 2020 1:31 am

Orlas,
Those were good questions. In fact, this is a good place to be to ask questions.
quixote

heavenlydove
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Re: 3 questions and a 'Hello'

Post by heavenlydove » Tue Sep 01, 2020 5:52 pm

Hi Nebula,

I have not been in your position as the abuse I suffered was lifelong, but sadly I do believe that there must be many people in your situation. I managed to blank out much of my abuse (even when I was aware that it happened on some level). I believe if anyone was young when something bad happened to them, it must be fairly easy to blanked it out. My mum couldn't remember having been beaten badly 3 times in her life by my dad - but something that I recall well as it was out of the ordinary in our house. The brain has a funny way of coping with traumatic things sometimes.

Unlike you, I stuck around my abusive parents for 48 years (mainly as my dad had some bad strokes and needed someone to look after him) and spent a lot of time going through more shit with them. While our relations improved in some ways, those relationships were never healthy and I am now 48 years old without a husband and family of my own. I sacrificed myself for them - was it worth it, probably not but that was my choice. You probably did the better thing cutting ties, moving away and getting therapy for yourself. I just didn't know how to do that. I always felt too guilty to leave them - they would have ended up killing each other for sure the way things were going.

Something you wrote reminded me of things my parents used to say to me as a child: about where I would be if I didn't have them. They always said, they put food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head. That I should be grateful for that and all that they were doing for me.
It took me years to realize that this was the normal thing any parent would be asked to do for their child. And that no I would not have starved if I was not looked after by my parents properly - that I would not starved but simply end up being cared for by the State. But my parents never put things that way, they always made it clear to me and my brother that we should be ever so grateful for all that was being done for us by them - made to feel like we owed them our life. Even now, my aunt often says I should be grateful for having been put on this earth by my mum and dad. Like they deserved to be praised for my conception and birth. But if I was given the choice to have been born again, I would choose not to be born, as my life has been such a struggle all these years and I am not sure it will get much better in the future truth be told. I do not have many expectations of things anymore.

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