Newbie here

[heavenlydove]

Hi Crow,
I used to trust my brother with things but now I am scared of him - he is an extra burden on my head all the time. He does not do anything all day but lounges around at mine for free - I know he suffered a lot at the hands of my parents (especially my dad all these years) and struggles with his mental health but he does not make life easy for me. All he does is criticize my lack of brain ability (saying it is my fault I have brain fog because I tried to look after both my parents without use of any carers) but no carer would have lasted 2 minutes at our house. One really nice family member arrived from abroad to help my dad some years ago and did not last longer than a week at my parents. He said my parents were unbearable and spent the next week helping paint my flat as a way to help me - they felt so sorry for me and my situation. He never even got wind of the abuse me and my brother got all our life from our parents as we did not want to embarrass them in front of all the extended family abroad (who think my dad is a total gem and my mum a real fine wife too).

I am so tired now that if I do not get a break soon I will probably end up in hospital with a breakdown at some point as happens to so many carers. I cannot allow that to happen - otherwise I will not be given the opportunity to continue looking after my mum again. Social services will say I am not fit to do it. I know I am close to breaking point and I deserve better. I was trying to figure out a way to grow our savings during lockdown but then started feeling unwell and now am too unable to think to make that happen. I am just beyond tired and my friends know that. Yesterday I did a bit of gardening work and then had to sleep for 5 hours from exhaustion. This is not really normal. Despite being tired, I often cannot sleep at night, another sign of burnout.
Re: inheritance for my brother - I told my brother that no money was his until mum had passed away. I even told my brother that if his so called inheritance is spent due to need for care, I will sell my flat to pay him out, but he does not believe me and is still paranoid. He says he does not want me to "pay him out" from my money as then I will not let him forget that it was "my money" that was given to him and no my parents'. I can't win really. So ridiculous! He has already spent years at mine for free and never paid a bill in his life there but he still doesn't trust me. He on the other hand was given £150,000 by my parents as a gift when he was married (at my suggestion) and now his wife went off with half and he has spent the majority of the rest. Yet I do not hold it against his wife, we still chat on the phone on a regular basis, and neither do I hold it against my brother that he spent it down - it has happened and there is nothing we can do about it now. Life and shit happens.

I know my brother is worried about the future and so am I but what can I do right now. I will have to face things as and when they happen. My health and wellbeing are more important than even this money in many ways as if I get ill, no money will save me. My aunt looked after my bedbound grandma for 4 years and then 5 years later got cancer - do I need that kind of shit for caring for my parents? I don't think so. But my trouble is I feel too attached to my parents for my own good, especially given how poorly they treated me all my life.

[coconuts]

Attachment is a mixed up thing in abusive households.

My thinking is that you can take the "break" now or be forced to take it later. At some point it wont be a choice. Right now would be more in your control. Also brother can just deal. Id probably have a hard time holding my tongue. Id be te.pted the next time he comments about diminishing mental capacity to say something like," You know you're right, I need a break, thanks for pointing that out. I think i will start that break now. See you in a couple weeks." Haha i can dream things like that but I would be too chicken to pull it off myself. Though if it got bad enough i have a couple parts who would do it without a blink of the eye.

I think maybe you should at least start preparing for a break. Maybe creating schedules or lists that you can hand off to someone whether that be your brother or a carer. Then when you know you need to just go for it, things will be prepared.

Coconuts

[heavenlydove]

Hi Coconuts,

When my brother said he wondered about me still having Power of Attorney, I told him he can have it and look after mum too. Now he wouldn't want that would he.

You have judged exactly right that this break is not a matter of wanting one but needing one otherwise by body and mind will request one whether I like it or not! I really hope he will not be fighting me on this. I know he really doesn't want to be put on the spot to look after mum but why should I now have to do everything to find an alternative to him looking after her?? He could just come in now and again to check on her if he wasn't keen to be around mum 24-7. She does not need him to be on her beck and call every minute - she would not want that. I can try to make it as easy as possible for him. I haven't many alternatives really. I also would like to do what you thought of - to tell him, here you go, here are the keys, see you in 2 weeks!! That would be so nice really. I feel too guilty for my own good most of the time. He wouldn't think twice about me in return.

[Crow]

Hi heavenlydove,

Just thought I would check in and see how you are doing. Have you made any headway with getting that break you deserve?
Hope you are okay.

Crow