isurvive.org

Hi all,

I am new here and from the UK. Thanks for having a forum like this to share experiences and give support to people when needed. It is much appreciated especially at a challenging time as this.

Regarding my story, I have suffered physical and mental/emotional abuse for almost 50 years (from my earliest times) due mainly to happenings in my family. Most of the physical abuse was from my father, and mental/emotional abuse from both mum and dad. I was shouted at almost on a daily basis almost till the present time. Now I have some trouble with my brother and he scares me a lot - he used to be my best friend for ages, now he is a real problem for me to cope with. I spent 20 years looking after my dad on a daily basis when he became very seriously disabled and for 5 years I had to look after both him and my elderly mum which was a killer. Now I am looking after my mum still, 3 years after my dad's passing. I have mixed feelings about my dad - he was both the worst and best of people I knew - Very messed up in the head in terms of anger issues, but very bright, interesting/intellectual and in many ways totally devoted to his family (not that it worked in our favour, mind). I loved him so much despite also feeling huge anger towards him. My mum who I also love was a very difficult person in her own way, different from my dad. She has mellowed a lot since he died and is actually mum better a person now - I think she could not handle my dad's personality and it seriously messed her up. I am so tired of looking after my elderly folks though, I am a spent force. I have spent my life devoted to them - sacrificing myself to the enth degree to help them with everything, and now am suffering so much myself from that choice - but did not know what else to do as I could not hold down a job, or have a relationship with anyone due to the severity of my childhood abuse issues. Now I feel my head disintegrating (I have dissociative problems) and I am not able to handle problems - mentally speaking. I think my brain is so tired I have trouble making decisions and coping with day to day things, especially since the lockdown was in effect here. My brother wants me to sort certain things out that I need to focus on but I am unable to do them as my brain is completely dead. I do not know what to do anymore. I am just surviving day to day at present, worrying about how I can overcome my situation.

Thinking of you all you guys though ho are struggling, hoping you are all hanging in there too!!

A warm welcome to you. I'm so sorry for all you've suffered but hope connecting here will help much!

Hi heavenlydove,

Welcome to isurvive, I hope you find this a safe and welcoming place with plenty of support - I certainly have since joining (same day as you by the looks of it).
I'm also from the UK

I can totally relate to what you are saying about feeling like your head is disintegrating and not able to handle problems in mental terms. You said you think your brain is so tired you have trouble making decisions and coping with day to day things, especially since lockdown. You also said you need to focus on things but are unable to do them as your brain is completely dead... wow, sounds just like me the past five months!
I am just surviving day to day too, worrying about how I can overcome my situation also. On a personal note just reading your post makes me feel like I'm not the only one suffering the same sort of thing.
I'm sorry you are struggling and for all you have been through. It's a tough old journey.

Right now I don't now what to say because I'm struggling with the same issues (albeit for different reasons), but how I am coping (or not) is I think largely due to my abusive upbringing and how this has affected me.
Keep talking and keep sharing here - it's helping me a bit at a time so far.

Stay strong,

Crow

Much compassion to you,and while on subject,try this book:"Self-Compassion" by
Kirstin Neff,and do get other books on abuse,you will find some treasures.
Deepest Respect,
jimscarlet

Hi and welcome, heavenlydove. I'm sorry for the reasons but glad you are here.

With care,
Serenity

Hi heavenlydove

Adding my warm welcome to the mix

Hello and welcome. So sorry for the hurts you suffered. They really do take and impact on us. Sending so much compassion and understanding your way
Coconuts

A big hi to all of you and thank you for your messages of support. It is nice to meet people like you who care about the mental health of those of us who are going through a tough time because of past abuse or other troubling experiences which have affected us. Hope we will able to be of support to each other.
Crow, I am sorry to hear that you seem to be going through something similar to me. I often feel like I am the only one going through this in this world, which is obviously not the case but that is often how I assess things. I have been through difficult times before but have only had this sort of brain fog/brain dead experience since my father passed away 3 years ago. I have so many really important things I should be sorting out but I am totally incapable of doing them. At present just looking after my mum seems to take all the effort I have. My brother is getting frustrated with my bad brain as he wishes me to sort some important things out, but I am just putting them back all the time as my brain just isn't processing info properly. Its like my processing/decision making powers are affected as well as my memory. I feel like a zombie a lot of the time - it is so frustrating, I worry I will stay like this and will not be able to look after myself at all soon. I have really pushed my self and brain to my limit with my care work (looking after both my folks) which was just too much for me. I actually looked forward to the lockdown on some level - me not having to take my mum to loads of clubs for a while as I felt I was burning out, but now I just feel brain dead which makes me feel like such a loser. I read though that the lockdown can affect people with mental health issues worse than other people, which appears to be the case with me. I am quite upset by this as I feel it is so unfair that those who have suffered past abuse or other tragedies always seem to come of worse in terms of mental health outcomes during this epidemic than other people. My aunt who lives abroad was disagreeing with me on this - as a Christian she reckons everyone suffers bad things equally, whatever their situation in life, but I think those who have had a bad early life seem to come off worse as well as anyone who has been traumatized in one way or another. I tried to explain that to her, but she just says that others just have different sufferings...she often moans at me for being so negative - when I tell her about my mental struggles, but I have no-one else to moan to apart from her and my mum about my situation. I am a Christian too but we seem to see things from different angles, and she has not much sympathy for me despite my very bad sufferings at the hands of her brother. She just says, turn over the new leaf and do not talk anymore about what is past. Only very few friend know about my abuse and even then I barely mention it as I do not want to come across as a general moaner and sad-ass! The trouble is that most people I know think my dad was such a super person and saint, which is how he came across to others and how I talked of him to them but unfortunately it was not who he was at home most of the time (a complete nightmare). I do not want to tarnish his image in front of friends though, as they might feel very let down and think we were all such fakes (actors) when we showing our happy face. That may not have been the true picture but we wanted also some sense of normality in the chaos and my love for my dad and vice versa which they saw was really genuine, just not the full picture. But not sure friends would understand that.

Hi Jimscarlet,

Thanks for your book recommendation. It sound like a great book to read and something I could definitely benefit from delving into. Thanks again for suggesting it!

Heavenlydove,

I need to reply to your post properly when I have some time beyond what I can spare right now, but I wanted to acknowledge your reply. It is so strange how similar the things we are experiencing are... so much to say to you.

Crow