New member introduction

An area for new members to introduce themselves, as well as a place where all members can share concerns, questions or general posts.
Everyone is welcome here.

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Crow
Member
Posts: 851
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: New member introduction

Post by Crow » Fri Jul 31, 2020 6:26 pm

That beach ball analogy is a really good way of describing it!

You mention denial. It just occurred to me that I often say that I struggle with acceptance... in that I can't accept what is happening in life for example - things out of my control, the life I'm living etc. But I hadn't considered that actually having trouble with acceptance (of myself and certain traits, and even my struggling with this right now) is actually denial. When I don't want to or can't accept something I am actually in denial. I hadn't thought of it like that before. And yes, the consequences of denial are huge. But I struggle with accepting things. I know that acceptance doesn't mean agreeing with or liking the situation or feelings, but acceptance reduces the suffering I feel and the hurt of what actually is denial. Just typing as I'm thinking...
Often I will think before I speak and make sure that I don't come across silly or anything else that I perceive others will think of me (but likely aren't - anxiety right there), but maybe the anonymity here and the like minded and the things we have in common in this place help me feel I can just speak from my heart more than I would usually.

What I find hard these days is that even though I know what I went through and I have recently discovered childhood records that have rewritten my narrative and confirmed and validated the clear abuse, I still minimise it and effectively deny it to a point. Maybe I'm trying to protect myself in a weird way and trying to make it all go away so I don't have to deal with it? I don't know. I just feel like I'm really confused in what I think and feel.
I can't afford private therapy and so really all I have is this forum at the moment.
I seem to be trying to figure out whether the way I respond to things, situations and people, and the way I think (over think) is a product of the abuse or if it's just me! But the past is done and all I can do is improve the now and the future. I still want to know though, and maybe I'll never have that answer...

Thanks for all the contributions here and accepting me for who I am. I haven't written 'my story' yet, but in time I will and hope that I'll get some insight from others.

Crow

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