From Abuse to Abuse

[Noni]

Hello All!
I am Noni and I'm a newbie here:) Trying not to be defined by my past--so I am finally seeking help but today I feel strong. Which I wanted to highlight because most days I don't. I often have to battle the inner battle of the mind (which is a hell of a battle). I was abused as a young child in more than one way. I was verbally and physically abused by the mean and cruel older boys at my school that teased me, pushed me, tripped me be cause they were ignorant and weren't taught any better. This completely broke my spirit, my self esteem was at a 0. I often prayed and asked GOD why I had to wear glasses at such a young age and why the other kids wouldn't just accept me for me; my parents couldn't afford any of the new clothes. I was from a common family nothing special we definitely weren't rich and weren't extremely poor---the working class, which equaled two busy parents that were stressed with marital problems and me and my siblings stuck in between. Then the visitor from hell came and my life of fear and anxieties began. I still remember my Dad arguing with my mom about her family member coming to stay with us. But he was allowed to stay. I remember loving to read and write at that time--things unique to me... things I loved. Then I remember that it seemed like me and the visitor had so much in common...seems like all the things I liked he liked to (what a coincidence). Then the conversations got more provocative talking to me---a child about adult relationships, his feelings of hurt and rejection by women he had loved, in my kind, friendly way I would tell him about my bullies at school-I felt like I had someone who understood and had time my parents didn't have QT time to spend. We often spent long nights staying up in my room with the door closed. I remember my father and mother arguing about letting me stay up so late with him and why this was happening. My Dad was the closest one to having a clue but was too busy with working 2 jobs to check on me and wanted to keep the marital peace with my mom and usually ended up falling asleep. Then it started...the day he began to touch me:( I call it the beginning of the end because I hated myself, I felt shame and wished that I had the courage to speak up but I always felt I would get into trouble (I never wanted my parents to judge me or hate me). How was this happening in my own home?!--a supposed place of safety and why to me??? Of course in the movies and in media we are taught to look out for the mean stranger not the socialable extended family member that comes to visit (that everyone likes:(. From there...its hard for me to speak about what happened next because I am just now starting sessions with a therapist; I still cant put words to it. Basically the visitor became a member of the household he completely a short time later he completely moved in with us. Then eventually moved out on his own; I remembered wanting the abuse to stop but worrying that my parents would somehow blame me or think less of me. I regret pretending like everything was ok because I wasn't. I sniffed household cleaners a lot. Now they call this huffing I think but then I called it anything to numb the pain and shame and as a child that is all I could find. A common girl when she first gets her period has no cares in the world for me I had numerous pregnancy scares. Then I grew from an ugly duckling into the most beautiful swan (in most people's eyes) in my eyes I am still ugly and unworthy of love and happiness. My breathing is shallow most times and I am tense in my body--don't think I have ever really breathed a good breath. I am working on managing my many phobias and anxieties. I can honestly say I pretty much trust no one its like I am not disappointed when people disappoint me, I don't put anything past anyone. Its so hard for me to relax and enjoy these moments...I am always thinking something is going to happen to me so 100% of the time I play things safe. I still am the black sheep of my family---and as for him he is paralyzed after an accident. I often wonder if this therapist can truly help someone like me, if this weight will ever be lifted; it weighs TONS! I am willing to try and today at least today I feel strong! Praying you all feel strong too!

[coconuts]

First of welcome. So sorry for the deep betrayal you suffered. The effects of abuse and CSA are so far reaching. I'm so glad you are getting help in therapy to heal these deep wounds that have festered for son long. You deserve help and healing and to discover who you really are.

Coconuts

[Watercolor]

A warm welcome, Noni. I hate what brings you here but am glad you found isurvive.

It's incomprehensible that your parents allowed this man in as they did and didn't open their eyes and protect you. I completely believe you but it's horrific.

I hope your t will prove to be an immense help.

[Crey]

Noni,
Welcome from another newbie and another black sheep! I am always struck by the similarities I find with others here. Thank you for sharing your strength. I hope that you continue to feel it and that it grows.
All the best,
Crey

[Noni]

Thank you to the creators of this sacred space. While I have close friends and fam I have discussed my feelings with there is nothing like being amongst ppl that have been there and truly understand. For those of you that have had therapy and are now on the other side of this what does life/healing look like? I feel this weight will be my whole life but I’m determined to overpower it. I deserve to be happy Guess I have to stop beating myself up about it

[coconuts]

Well I'm certainly not on the other side by any stretch, but I think healing looks different for everyone. What "healing" looked like to my old to and to the state run clinic he was at was much different than what I figured it should look like. So one day I sat down and thought really hard about what I thought it should look like and came up with my own goals for what healing looks like for me.

Here is my list.
When I am healed....
*I will be able to shake it off and cope with nightmares and flashbacks
*Nightmares and flashbacks will be infrequent.
*I will not self harm
*I will be able to recover from "failures" without falling into deep shame or su thoughts
*It will not matter ( as much) what others think of me because I will be okay with me.
*I will not feel dirty, shameful, or broken because of what happened to me.

This was my list from years ago and progress has been made. If there had been a scaled score or something for each of these I believe there is progress in almost every area. Nightmares and flashbacks are getting worse right now but I am also hitting the trauma more, however I am better able to cope with them. I have a toolbox of strategies I use.

I think what healed is looks different to different people. That clinic from before said if I wasnt actively suicidal or my life wasnt a complete hot mess I must be fine. Aparently to get help you need to be a raging addict, in and out of jail, or in and out of the hospital trying to su all the time.

It's like wrapping up a huge wound without ever taking the time to clean it and stitch it up and care for it. I realized that was never going to get me to a place of how I actually wanted my life to be.

[Genesis]

Welcome, Noni. I, too, am interested in what healing looks like. I hope more people share their experiences. Thanks, coconuts, for sharing your healing goals. I’m in the thick of it right now and it’s hard to see through the filth of emotions and memories that cover me. I hear it “gets worse before it gets better”.

[ajei]

Hi Noni...it's really good to meet you. I hope you find all the support you deserve here.

ajei

[Noni]

Thank you all:-) I feel so welcomed and know I am in the right place. Thanks coconuts for this I have started to develop my goals. I just want to be happy I have been my greatest enemy and have been carrying the shame I think I have been in a fog of not knowing what I want from life I think it’s because deep down I don’t believe I deserve it and I keep punishing myself for guilt I feel of not being able to stop the abuse which is so unfair and unreasonable to put on a child but that’s my truth those are the thoughts that take over my mind—I know they are wrong but it’s hard

[Noname]

Hi Noni,

I can relate so much to your last post. You're right, it is hard. You essentially have to completely rewire your brain just to convince yourself that you're worth it. And that takes hard work. But you are worth it, really and truly.