Hello survive.org World

An area for new members to introduce themselves, as well as a place where all members can share concerns, questions or general posts.
Everyone is welcome here.

Moderators: Harmony, quixote, Jonesy

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BossMustang
Member
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Mar 08, 2020 7:31 pm

Hello survive.org World

Post by BossMustang » Tue Mar 10, 2020 7:25 pm

Just wanted to say "Hello" to the survive.org world. I'm new here......looking forward to interacting, learning and hopefully growing from where I currently exist.

For background, I was raised in a home dominated by a father that is narcissistic, alcoholic, violent and sadistic. My mother was involved in a horrific car accident when I was six months old. The accident caused severe burns. She lost all of her fingers and was burned about the face and torso. My mother was as vulnerable as my siblings and myself to the abuse.......and she's suffered as well.

My struggles, as an adult, seem to stem from never being able to grow / progress from the young age when the severe treatment began. During times of increased stress, I have very vivid flashbacks....I see, hear and feel all the terrible things that were done to me. When I really try to examine what's going on inside me......I sense that I'm still a very young child who is essentially hiding in a corner and afraid of everything. I never had the ability to form trust in friends......I was teased and beat up until junior year of high school....when I discovered I was really good at powerlifting.

By bulking myself up, and seeing how this caused my classmate abusers to back off and give me a little respect......I learned to build a false facade and / or compartmentalize myself. I've been able to have what people describe as a successful career, help raise two kids with my wife. But deep inside it doesn't feel real. I'm constantly in fear of losing my job, my wife, my kids etc. because they haven't discovered what an awful, worthless, stupid piece of excrement that I am. I desperately want to say to the wold "This is me......Good or bad.....This is me!" I want to have friends. I want to be able to trust friends. I want to experience Happiness. I don't want to live every moment of every day in fear. But I need to convince my child inside.

Sorry for the lengthy note. My story has a lot of twists and turns........but the bottom line is I became a broken human being over 50 years ago. I'd like to understand and perhaps reverse some of what has precipitated me to become a broken person.

BossMustang

P.S.

My unusual username.........as a kid......I paid for my own subscription to HotRod magazine. The magazine kept me going month to month. I dreamed about all the Hot cars in each magazine. My dream was to one day own a 1969 or 1970 Boss 429 Mustang. I now know it will never happen......but it kept a young me going :).
Last edited by Harmony on Wed Mar 11, 2020 8:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering content nor language.

Watercolor
Member
Posts: 1195
Joined: Wed Jan 01, 2020 11:46 pm

Re: Hello survive.org World

Post by Watercolor » Tue Mar 10, 2020 10:00 pm

Welcome! I hate that you have suffered so, but it's good you found the forum. I hope writing and connecting here will be a help.

coconuts
Member
Posts: 3385
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Hello survive.org World

Post by coconuts » Wed Mar 11, 2020 5:02 am

Welcome, this is a great place to come for understanding, help and compassion.

Jonesy
Director
Director
Posts: 12894
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 1:44 pm

Re: Hello survive.org World

Post by Jonesy » Wed Mar 11, 2020 9:57 am

Hi BossMustang

Adding my welcome to the mix - glad you found us ;)
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org

BossMustang
Member
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Mar 08, 2020 7:31 pm

Re: Hello survive.org World

Post by BossMustang » Wed Mar 11, 2020 12:15 pm

Thank you one and all. I look forward to all the opportunities to learn, grow and hopefully to heal......... that this site offers. I apologize if this sounds weird....but I'm glad to have found a group that understands what I went through and the subsequent struggles. I've had to put on my game face every morning and suppress, deny and contain my painful past. By wearing a game face most of the time, I feel that my life has been one of simply existing. Here, I can finally let the past out and not fear that I'll be ridiculed or have judgement passed on me....and hopefully that means I can actually start living.....as the real me and not some artificial game face character.

Thanks again one and all!
Last edited by Harmony on Wed Mar 11, 2020 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no specific triggering content nor language.

Harmony
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 5448
Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: Hello survive.org World

Post by Harmony » Wed Mar 11, 2020 8:08 pm

Thanks for sharing where your cool name came from.

nice to meet you,
Harmony

timjake
Member
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2020 12:24 am

Re: Hello survive.org World

Post by timjake » Wed Mar 11, 2020 11:18 pm

Hey you said it yourself, YOU ARE A SUCCESS. The negativity comes from being told youre worthless by the failure who raised you.Its a tough row to hoe convincing yourself but im sure your Mother ,wife, siblings and children wouldnt say that.Animals treat their young better than some humans do
Last edited by Serenity on Thu Mar 12, 2020 10:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT as no triggering detail included

quixote
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 1384
Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:14 am

Re: Hello survive.org World

Post by quixote » Tue Mar 24, 2020 2:19 am

BossMustang,
By coming here you took the hard road and that's commendable.
quixote

BossMustang
Member
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Mar 08, 2020 7:31 pm

Re: Hello survive.org World

Post by BossMustang » Tue Mar 24, 2020 1:06 pm

quixote wrote:
Tue Mar 24, 2020 2:19 am
BossMustang,
By coming here you took the hard road and that's commendable.
quixote
Thank you for your support. I greatly appreciate the input from members here. The reading resources have been amazing!! To gain some understanding of how / why I feel the way I do. Also, to get some insight into the flashbacks........I feel like I'm getting a little foothold so I can climb out of the quicksand I've been living in.

Thanks again :)
Last edited by Harmony on Tue Mar 24, 2020 4:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to NT due to no triggering content nor language.

Watercolor
Member
Posts: 1195
Joined: Wed Jan 01, 2020 11:46 pm

Re: Hello survive.org World

Post by Watercolor » Tue Mar 24, 2020 6:24 pm

Great work, educating yourself on trauma and effects. I do believe it helps and is part of healing!

Best to you...

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