Disclosing to partner

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Magpie
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Posts: 79
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:51 pm

Disclosing to partner

Post by Magpie » Sat Feb 29, 2020 10:08 pm

Hello all,

Just wanted to keep you all updated after your kind words and support last week. A week ago I disclosed my abuse to my partner. I felt backed into a corner, and it’s far from the ideal way you can ever imagine to disclose to someone you love.

A week on, the first few days after was more than awkward, I was worried and panicky. When I relayed saying it was sexual abuse in my head, hearing me say those words still makes me shiver remembering them. I felt Like my partner would think differently about me, as a person and as a mum and as that’s new, I didn’t know what to expect. I also didn’t know who he might tell, and more worryingly if he would want to speak to my family.

I feel calmer today, as this week we sat down and talked. Probably like we haven’t done in years. We’ve grown apart. I don’t know if that’s because of the abuse or not-I suspect it’s partly. He apologised for bullying me into feeling Like I had no choice but to tell him. He said he broke down when he told a friend asking for advice and it turns out there wife has had a similar childhood to my own, so it’s nice for him to have someone to offload to from his side of things. I imagined telling him who it was and how I felt and how it affected and still affects my life would be very emotional, but I surprised myself, I wasn’t. I could articulate how I feel and how I’ve put the pieces of the puzzle together over the years, and how I almost had a breakdown 2 years ago, when I disclosed for the first
time to a friend. It made me realise that perhaps I have processed everything better than I thought I had, and that it is all a bit lighter and less hard to carry.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel a little hope. Hope that I can get through this, and that however hard it is now, the freedom and peace I feel every-time I let a little out or tell someone, it helps. He says that we will do this all at my pace and when I feel comfortable, which is important to hear.

I still don’t know how to approach my abuser, and respond to her message about my son. I’ve parked that to one side for now. It’s hard isn’t it? But hope even if little makes us feel a little peace and freedom.

Love and light x

Watercolor
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Posts: 1194
Joined: Wed Jan 01, 2020 11:46 pm

Re: Disclosing to partner

Post by Watercolor » Sun Mar 01, 2020 3:17 pm

It's wonderful that you had a better conversation that's brought you some hope. Good, too, that he has a friend to hear him. Sometimes guys are affected very deeply when they first learn about something and they feel there's nothing they can do to "fix" it.

I'm sorry things went so badly at first, and I hope this will be a good turning point between you two.

Harmony
Site Admin
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Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: Disclosing to partner

Post by Harmony » Sun Mar 01, 2020 10:10 pm

I think it is no coincidence that our partners pick us. That can be for such a variety of reasons. It can be anything from the need to be the white knight in shining armor to being a survivor themselves without knowing it. Once I realized that my partner picked me just the way I am it was much better. I didn't have to be someone else for him. I was able to disclose more. My other half still doesn't know details nor does he need them. It just helps to speak the truth.

support in telling,
Harmony

Magpie
Member
Posts: 79
Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:51 pm

Re: Disclosing to partner

Post by Magpie » Mon Mar 02, 2020 9:57 am

Thank you all, agreed I also do believe that we pick and our partners pick us, as well as maybe friends too because we see in others and others see in us something we need to heal or feel that person can help us heal, because we see what we want to be like in them. I do think this is a turning point in our relationship and for the better. And although some conversations are awkward and emotional, it’s better that it’s out there. I too haven’t given my partner details, maybe one day I might, but him knowing something has happened helps him understand my habits and coping strategies.

Love and light x

quixote
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Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:14 am

Re: Disclosing to partner

Post by quixote » Tue Mar 24, 2020 2:25 am

Magpie,
You took a risk and you were able to handle yourself well. NIce work.
quixote

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