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Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2020 8:05 pm

Hi everyone!

Post by Byby » Sun Feb 09, 2020 1:06 am

I've read through some newbie posts and it seems like most keep it short and simple. If it's ok I would like to do something a bit different.
You see, I am SO tired of being alone in this and SO tired of keeping it in, and SO, SO tired of not having people that understand me.
In order to find people that understand, I figure I should allow people to see the pain I struggle with. Please take this as a possible trigger warning, as I will be disclosing the abuse that happened to me from ages 5 through 12.
It is not complete, nor is it the end of the abuse. Things got worse after all of this, but it's already so long I didn't want to make it any longer.

If there's someone out there who understands what it's like to live with these things, I would love to hear from you! I would like to not be alone anymore.

To make it easier to read and understand I have listed the types of abuse in separate headings. There was so much happening at the same time that I needed to use some structure to make it readable. The abuse got worse after 12, but going into that would make it too long.

Abuse ages 5 through 12:

Lying, physical abuse & manipulation.
My mom used to lie about me to other people. She would say I had done something I hadn’t or exaggerate what I did do to such an extreme that she or other people would punish me by beating me with things like sticks and shoes. Beating me until I was a broken thing on the ground, throwing me down stairs, etc. etc.
Often she would enlist my father to do the beating and tell him exactly where to beat me. “Don’t hit her face, hit the back of her head, etc.”. In particular she would lie to her family, my dad and her co-workers.
At other times she would ask me to do something (and disobeying her was punishable by beatings, so before I understood the pattern she had, I would obey). The thing I was asked to do was “bad” and she would use it to point out what a horrible child I was and I would be beaten again.
I was beaten every single day. I was lied about several times a week, and when I tried to seek help no one would believe me. The first time I seriously thought of suicide I was about 8 years old.

Mom’s sadistic tendencies
My mom seemed to take pleasure in hurting me. She would tie me up to a chair and ridicule me for fighting against the binds, or begging to go to the bathroom, or soiling myself if I didn’t make it. If I didn’t make it I would be punished as well for making her live more difficult.
I have ADHD and these were “lessons” in sitting still. But she often had a smile on her face if she knew noone was looking. She enjoyed it. She and my dad joked about it.

The poisoning
This one took a long time to come to light. I will try to explain all the steps.

* When I was a child my brother and I had plates with our names on the bottom. It seemed normal at the time.

* I used to be sick atleast twice a year for 3 to 4 weeks, and only ever during the school year. Never during vacation periods. The doctors could never find cause for this kind of odd sickness.

* I often felt my food tasted weird and then I would become sick shortly after that. It got to the point that weird tasting food would be a signal that I was getting sick. I realise now that is not a common symptom to have at all, although whenever my food tastes weird I still briefly think I’m getting sick before dismissing it.
* Once I said my food tasted weird and had my brother taste it. My mom slapped the spoon away from him and screamed that he should NEVER eat my food. I thought it was weird.

* At 12 I was shipped off to live with my grandma for 1 year. During this time I was never sick. I thought it was because my grandma was a vegetarian and I just was intolerant of meat in my diet. When I moved back home I started cooking vegetarian food for myself. I didn’t get sick anymore.

* When I was 17, and no longer a vegetarian, my family and my bf went on a vacation together. My boyfriend was not aware that while my mom was preparing food no one was allowed in the kitchen and he just walked in. There he saw my mom mashing what seemed to be pills into my food. He asked her what it was and she told him that it was something to help keep me healthy. That I was becoming sick and this was my medicine.
That evening I said my food tasted weird again, my mom got angry for saying her cooking tasted weird as was common for her. The next day, and the 4 days that followed I was so sick I couldn’t get out of bed and I was barely conscious.

My now ex-boyfriend didn’t tell me about this incident untill many years after my mom died.
Then the puzzle pieces fell into place.

Humiliation, ridicule and manipulating the family to join in
It was family sport to ridicule and humiliate me. It was actively encouraged by my mom. My dad, my brother and my mom would look at every little mistake I made and amplify it and ridicule me for it. I was stupid, ugly, clumsy. And they looked for every small way to constantly affirm that and ridicule me.

Once when I was 16 my brother lured me outside at night and I ran to try and help him. I was in a short nightgown, but I wasn’t thinking about covering up because it sounded so urgent.
Once I was outside he closed and locked the door. It was made of glass and I could see them all laughing on the other side as I was standing outside in my short nightgown. I beat on the glass for them to let me in, but they wouldn’t. The wind kept blowing the nightgown up and I couldn’t keep it down, so I just sat down on the ground bent over trying my best to hold the fabric down and waited. Completely humiliated.

I was frequently told by my mom and dad that they despised me, hated me and wished I was never born. The earliest memory of them saying this was around 7 or 8.

If I would object to their ridicule, humiliation or other forms of verbal abuse, I was told that I was over reacting. I was overly sensitive. I had no right to feel the way I did, their behaviour was perfectly ok. I was made out to be “crazy and hysterical” for objecting to any of the verbal or physical abuse.

Bullying in school
When I was about 7 or 8, I tried to get help from the school. They didn't believe that my mom would hurt me and so words spread pretty quickly that I was a liar and would make up sad stories to get attention.
This in itself is terrible enough, but when you present kids with an opportunity to do whatever they want without repercussions, you get a very dangerous situation, indeed.
It became clear that they could beat me up as much as they wanted and never get in trouble for it, as long as no one saw them do it. Because I was a lying child that made up stories their word would be believed over mine every time.
This meant that I would get beat up in school, sometimes by 3 or more kids, then go home and get beat up by my mom and dad.
No one would help. No one even believed me.

Sexual abuse
I don't like talking about it so I'll just say that my mom and dad would allow their friends and family member any pleasure they wanted. They were very hospitable.

Thank you for reading all of this and thank Isurvive for giving me a place to let it out.
Last edited by Harmony on Tue Feb 11, 2020 3:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited from MT to ST due as specific triggering detail included

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Re: Hi everyone!

Post by coconuts » Sun Feb 09, 2020 6:07 am

Welcome Byby
So sad for all you endured at the hands of your family. My story shares many similarities. My step mom was cruel. She hated me. She would punish met constantly and tell my dad to punish me. She also fed the community information that I was a liar and in constant need of punishment. She even offered me up for manual labor to neighbors because I needed punishment so I often was cleaning homes. I was beat daily for one thing or another. Not really ever sure what I did wrong. They taught the dog to growl at me every time I came near them. Made me eat at a different table than them,etc, etc,etc.
My step mom sold me to a pornography and sex trafficking ring as well from the ages of 5-15( my dad was not aware that I know of).

There are a number of members here who have been thru similar things. You will find others here who understand the pain and the work of healing. It is possible to live better. It is possible to find peace. I'm still working on it. But I see progress. Others here have shared stories of healing.

Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2020 8:05 pm

Re: Hi everyone!

Post by Byby » Sun Feb 09, 2020 11:52 pm

Thank you Coconuts, for replying and sharing your story!

Finding this forum has been such a relief already, I have browsed many stories and experiences and i'm so happy (and deeply sad as well of course) to find many people that feel the same as me and that are buggering on, just like me.
The few people I personally knew with similar stories had become heavily addicted to drugs, which I can understand, but it also makes it difficult for me to hang out with them. My parents were both alcoholics and addiction brings up all those traumatic memories and makes my skin crawl.
The value this community has had for me, just from reading that there are others like me out there has had value beyond anything I can put into words.
I'm just so thankful that this place is here and for the understanding community it holds.

I hope to get to know you and everyone else here better! :D

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Re: Hi everyone!

Post by Harmony » Tue Feb 11, 2020 3:47 pm

Hi Byby,

What a brave post. I am so glad you are here with us for much deserved support. If at any time you would like this post moved to a password protected part of our site such as Our Stories you just let us know. To let you know portion of the isurvive site is open to public view. Your story heartbreaking.


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Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 2:14 am

Re: Hi everyone!

Post by quixote » Wed Apr 08, 2020 2:54 am

It's good to talk about these things. This way we get to know you better.

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