[My Monster]

I was recently diagnosed with DID, about two days ago....anyway, I think I always knew it was part of my experience.

My question is for those who remember when they were first diagnosed...

Did you have any 'weird' body sensations? I am experiencing more freaky than usual body issues, such as:
• Increased pain in known injuries (back)
• Extremities going numb, especially my left hand for some reason
• I feel like I am in a very thick skin, and cannot feel anything properly, like my nerves have retreated and made everything dull
• Hazy vision, like a white blurriness OR
• Vision warping in the middle, making it impossible to read text. Looks like my world has been pinched in the middle OR
• Everything looks like it is vibrating against each other...like I can see the molecules that make up everything constantly fighting

Ugh..even writing this I feel like I am losing my mind, and have had to stop because I cannot 'see' the screen. Am I going crazy? Parts of me are very scared (me) and other parts very angry...
_________________
"This child has grown up and will not weep in silence anymore."
-Fatimah Musa

[seviepoh]

Hi My Monster...

I was first diagnosed about 8 years ago. I remember that it caused a shifting among the collective. There was an increased fear, pain, and there was a fuzzy feeling with a buzzing sound - like bees. When I wrote things in our journal, sometimes the content could not be read.

I asked my T about these symptoms and he said sometimes there is increased activity among the alters (my collective) because being diagnosed could be seen as a threat, even though it is not. We learned very young to protect ourselves and this is one way of doing that. The creepiest thing was the reading...I eventually gave these 'empty' pages to my T to see if they were blank or written upon. He read them to me and said these pages identified the author as one of the collective. Once again, as protection, they weren't letting me see what they had written...keeping the content and themselves secret.

With time and therapy these issues resolved themselves. Now some of us have integrated while others await their turn. We can feel the shifting and sometimes we can control it and communicate with each other.

When I dream there had always been a feeling of not being alone, then as time progressed it was more like a scurrying - when we were waking up there would be glimpses of shadows like movement just out of the corner of the eye. It is still like that sometimes. Other times there is a filtering of information that is handed down to us from an identified alter.

I hope this helps in explaining things. You are making progress my friend.
Kudos to you and your group...and you can tell 'everyone' that for me. Good Job!!

Your friend in healing,
sevi
_________________
de profundus clamavi ad te domine

[ref]

Hi My Monster,

I read your symptoms and know exactly what you are saying. I have been there. I have experienced very similar symptoms. The numbness in all extremitiess. At one point I thought it might be carpal tunnel syndrome or something like that. But realized it came and went when I would deal with memories. The visual thing is also very similar. I am glad you are writing, it will help to get the support with your diagnosis. I know at first it can be hard to accept but it helped for me because it helped me deal with it better....Keep writing..ref

[rubyv]

Hi My Monster,
I was diagnosed with DID about 4 years ago.
Many of the symptoms you describe have been part of my experience too (and I had not noticed them before working with my "parts"). Visual changes, tingly and numbness, not noticing pain but realizing it must be there. At first I went to drs about the symptoms. They didn't find anything (and it cost $$$) then I asked my T if this could be related to the work we were doing. She said yes definitely. In fact, sometimes as our internal system changes even eyeglass presciptions change!
Most of the extreme body symptoms have receded with recovery work and as parts have told their story, begun to collaborate, begun to rest or integrated. But often if a "new" part comes up, it happens again, tho not as intensely.
For a while I thot I had MS but even that released as we worked through things.

Even now, after a significat session with my T, I often am spacey and spinny until I have a chance for a nap. It seems my system needs to recalibrate.

MM, you are not going crazy But it can sure feel like it. You are actually "coming together." This is a great place to post, when it gets scary, tho!!

I hope that helps you know you are not alone.

Sending gentle hug if ok.
Rubyv

[My Monster]

Thank you so much for your replies!

seviepoh - thank you so much for sharing. Reading your recount really helped me that night, and has over the last few days as well. Your blank pages really made me feel relieved because it was creepy! I can't read things, and if I look at them the next day I find the theme in common is me trying to learn about DID. Very interesting...

I also have the feeling of not being alone when I sleep and came up with a pet pig (imaginary, of course) to explain this at night and while I slept. Thank you so much for making me feel normal!

ref - thank you for sharing too. your post made me think about when this happened, which is when i came to the realization above, about it being when I was trying to learn about DID. Something inside is very resistant, but the diagnosis explains so much for me when I was younger and I hope it will help too.

rubyv - something you wrote really struck me. I recall really needing glasses sometimes when I was young, then one day I woke up and they were broken, but I didn't need them. Now I got a pair again in adulthood, and put them on the other day, and they don't work! But what was weird is I could see better out of one eye with them off, so I put them on upside down, and they worked!

Thank you all for letting me know I am not alone.
_________________
"This child has grown up and will not weep in silence anymore."
-Fatimah Musa

[WhoAmI]

Hi MM and others,

Thanks for talking about this so openly and clearly. I appreciate hearing all the different ways that abuse distorts our perception of self, our bodies, and the world.
_________________
WhoAmI

Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life
and when it comes, hold your head high,
look it squarely in the eye
and say,

I will be bigger than you.
You cannot defeat me.

Anne Landers

[Faith]

When I first became aware of having alter parts, I felt very lightheaded a lot. I also kind of felt like I had a bubble in my head. You know how you can have two bubbles squished together so it looks like there is one big bubble that is being split into two? That is kind of what it felt like for me.

As I healed, I would sometimes feel like the little bubbles were popping in my head. Actually, it felt more like pieces were snapping together. It's kind of hard to explain.

- Faith
_________________
After the rain, the rainbow.

[My Monster]

Thank you for your responses.

Faith - it is odd that you mention bubbles. In therapy I was asked to create card collages for each of the 'voices' in my head (alters, ego states, etc.). My young alter I associate with bubbles, which are some of the images I cut out for that card, along with other things.

However mine are not actually like bubbles, more like buried lock boxes right now. But I know this will change.
_________________
"This child has grown up and will not weep in silence anymore."
-Fatimah Musa

[coach2]

My Monster,
I think vision changes can be fairly common with DID, and the other symptoms related as well.
I have several sensations that occur for me daily, imbalance like a sensation of tumbling or pitching forward, just for a few seconds.
My sense of self in space is disorted, like my body does not fit so example-walking some steps are real clumsy.
Most consistently is the vision changes-double vision, tunnel vision and my eyes deviate up and out so that I don't see correctly.
Many neuro visits and MRI's show nothing-thankfully.
Most important, I now recognize that for internal parts, these odd neurological changes directly relate to attempt to surface more with up front. I also found these symptoms kept me from sliding back into denial of DID.
I'm glad your question eased some concern you had.

[My Monster]

Thank you coach2 for sharing, I really appreciate your point of view.

I agree with you about many points, especially about the changes being a very good tool against denial, which I am REALLY struggling with. These sensations have continued, and are especially intense when I try to read about DID (ironically) or am having a flashback (especially after).

It really helps to know I am not the only one who experiences these things. I too have tried to get doctors to diagnose different things in the past only to come up empty handed (cat scans, multiple psycho-therapists, etc.).

Now I know that PTSD and DID explains almost everything I experience. The oddest part that I am finding is that I am spending whole days, and actually most of the past week, almost completely numb. It is the oddest sensation to go for a walk, but not feel your feet touching the ground, or even the inside or your shoe or sock...

But I am getting used to the adjustments.
_________________
"This child has grown up and will not weep in silence anymore."
-Fatimah Musa

[My Monster]

Actually, coach2, now that I think about it I have experienced everything you described in your post just in the last week. I really liked your explanation of body not fitting. I find that I am a real klutz, to the point of hurting myself. It is usually because my head is doing something weird, like you described.

Again, thank you for sharing.
_________________
"This child has grown up and will not weep in silence anymore."
-Fatimah Musa

[coach2]

My Monster,

You're welcome. I'm glad that you were able to have medical evals though.
I'm really grateful that there is a forum to share and explore the nature of DID differing aspects aside from what is deemed the symptomatology of DID. Primarily, because I see a lot of postings about the experience of DID that is not really outlined in diagnostic texts and papers.
Often neglected is the whole constellation of experiences dissociators can have.


(My pet peeve. for the years of my having to wade through the harmful misdiagnosing.)
Just a thought here:
Yes when you mention...."But I am getting used to the adjustments '
The adjustments could become openings for awareness of broken off pieces and therefore , helpful and eventually a tool in T.
Take care