[reisha]

{{BEACHY!!}}

{{COAST!!}} - good to 'see' ya! & thanks for the back pats!
yer quite correct, i HAVE 'gritted' thru it ( & damn! but that grit can be ... abrasive, lol!) - (@$(@$*@ 18-month course, & here i am, four friggin yrs into it, cuz - life HAPPENS, hardyharhar, harUMPH!!!!!
spoke w/ my advisor, who voiced a similar observation, then we spent the next hr & 1/2 havin chia & pizza ( whadda combo!), as she made sure i gave myself credit, realized just how impressive this ( small, to my mind!) achievment is - how many of her 'clients' give up, under far less adversity.
hmm, thot i - 'im USED to 'adversity' ... guess maybe there is some 'benefit' to havin an abuse herstory'(?! ?!)


*possible triggers of tarot*
the other thing thats been on my mind ALOT lately is .... 'psycho-seeds', & how they get planted. - i mita mentioned this already - if so, forgive my parroting - i have a friend who's a self proclaimed psychic, & around each new year, we do a reading, & pick a 'year card'. - its *mostly* 'for fun', but ive come to realize that it does plant sum very powerful psycho-seeds! - i dont put alotta 'faith' in tarot, ( hmm, or much-a anything, for that matter, but thats another path to travel!) - so, the past coupla-a yrs, my year cards have been .... less than auspicious. - the tower, the chariot... but this year, i pulled the universe. ( & now i dont wanna play any more, i 'won' & ino when to walk away, lol!)
so, w/ this 'blessing' playin in the backround of my head, ....... im now much more aware of the self talk, those psycho-seeds that get planted, nurtured ( for better & worse!).
research in nueroscience now shows that the more we 'trace' a path( belief, thot, feeling), the deeper/bigger/stronger it gets 'etched' in our brain, our nueral pathways ( makes sense, duh?!). in time, these can become well traveled 'super highways' , almost an 'addictive' behavior in how we think. - just another way of sayin the same old tired psycho-babble we've all heard so many times, but this one, for some reason, is getting thru to me, now, & i suspect its all becuz-a this silly lil tarot game, specifically, this universe card.
no, i dont sudenly think im invincible & omnipotent, (well, maybe just a lil bit - moer than i ever was b4?, hehe) or that things are always gonna go my way - i aint that naive! but, i DO have a bit more confidence, or... my *expectations* have shifted - & i cant even really explain what i mean by that - it goes to booth 'the world', & to myself, somehow.....

i better stop now, im startin to confuse mice ellf, & its still fairly early in the day!!

[beecoz]

Woohooo, for the gig. I am really happy for you and that it's so close to home. Sucks though about the not getting paid part. Still sending good vibes your way.

I've had a tarot card reading or two or many, but they were from an aunt who didn't know her butt from a hole in the ground. I'd let her lift me up, just to come crashing down and silly me would go back for more. Talk about banging your head against a brick wall, I knew she wasn't good at this but I wanted to have or believe that something good or worthwhile was coming my way, but no, she was a fraud, and I knew it but my stupidity got the better of me.

[earthhorse]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

WOooooooooooooooooooooooHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Well done!



Yippee i eeeeeeeeeeey!




EH
_________________
'I wanna fight to build a heaven on earth.'

[reisha]

{becuz!}

oh, {{{{EARTHHORSE!!!!}}}} how WONDEFUL, to come & see you here. Ive missed you, felt badly bout our lil 'spat' a while back. ( thank you for gracing me w/ you!)

im still luvin it, altho i now am grapeling w/ ... 'hypocracy' for lack of a better term - i live in a medical marijuana state, & ya can bet theres quite a tricky road to navigate w/ THAT one! ( i yi yi!) just as tricky is the ... ~'meds' vs 'drugs' ~ 'hypocracy'. - ive long been concerned w/ how it seems 'they' wanna ~dope~ folx - esp young WOMEN - nono - dont do 'drugs' but here - take these (approved) 'meds' instead ...... & how d'ya argue bout the dangers of self medicating (w/ pot) vs the (sometimes AWFUL!) side effects of anti-depressants, esp when the 'end result' ( feeling 'normal') is the same?
then theres the whole harm reduction vs abstinence models - harm reduction considered controversial or radical - so much of this industry is kinda stuck on the 12-step/AA model ( not that its a bad model, or anything, just that theres more/other models out there) - or, they subscribe to it cuz fed funding is stuck in that model/mindset/requirements. i think a lotta folx dont get help cuz-a that - they think theres no way they can abstain, so why even try - set em up for failure b4 they even start. whereas a harm reduction approach would at least give em small suceses to build on, toqwards complete abstinnence.


im fortunate, in that my supe/mentor is very open, & honest w/ me ( in the privacy of his office) as we discuss indusrty/ageny/fed policies vs 'reality'.
i keep my 'subversive' thots to myself, & abide by policy, but it sure keeps me up at nite, examining the differtn views.

[reisha]

ok, last nite, a lil punk wannabe ganst.. shithead - 15y/o; 1st time in this group ( key words bein 'this group' -drug court); 3rd time at my angeny, so the lil shit damn well knows the rules. i sat on his intake, etc (but not w/ jack, my 'mentor' who runs this group -KIM, jack's blind)), , so he knows who i am. he's in early, busy on his cel phone. i say 'dont forget to turn that off b4 group'. he ignores me, continues ... group starts, he slips it in pocket, but quickly pulls it out again, texting furiously. i lean over & say 'put that awy' this time, he glares at me & does, but then thinks better of it, & is now making calls, at which point i say -seriously, you need to put that away. this kid fukkin TUNRS on me, just in a rage - shut up bitch! you dont fucking tell me SHIT! at which point jack p/u on this convo ( we're at oppisite ends of a long table) & busts his ass. knowing damn well exactly what the blow up's about. he dunna let the kid off the hook, the kid says - she's nobody, she got no right.. jack ssay - actually, she does, she's my eyes.. the kid mouths off some more to me, I addressed him - i forget the exact words here, jack sets him straight & gets group back on track, this whole thing transpiring in maybe ... 2 or 3 minutes. the kids thorws me dagger eyes, tryig to intimidate me, & i just calmly meet his stare ( he dunna know my herstory, how many <de.eted> ive dealt w/ over the yrs, or in which circumstances, thinks his lil 15y/o ass in gonna scare me?!)ha! c'om, kid, FEED ME!!!!!! ya gonna throw down, show me whatcha got? yeah, lets play, baby.....

im sure you can fill in how the rest of that group went......
at the end of it, i walked calmly up to him & said - look, i now ya dont wanna be here. im not out to get you in any more trouble. all i wanna do is see ya get thru this program sucessfully so ya get back out the street & do what ya do, ok? the look on his face! lol! ok, he says. we good? I ask, givin him 'the eye'. yeah he says. ok, then, i'll see ya mon as he walked out the door.

then, t'nite, as im sittin in on adult drug court (not w/ jack - jack only does kids), sumone asks me whats my DOC - they too, all know im an intern. i look at him & said - do ya wanna know my DOC ( nicotine), or do ya wanna know my story? this couselor is an ex-classmate of mine, so thats cool, we had one or 2 classes waaaaay back at the begainning. so, i look at him, eyes a-askance, he smiles & nods, & even tho ive told my stroy b4 in class, for this purpose, ... how to code? & i took a deep breath ( & im tearin up again to tell it....) 'hi, my name is reisha, & im not not an addict. ( they all look shocked, confused) i worked for bill graham presnets for over 20 yrs. saw aloot a folx i loved.... ( & my silnet tears spilled, then as now - only, thank goddess, w/out the snot!) worked with, respected, cared about..... ( & i took another breath & continued, unlike here, where im letting the sobs flow) fuck up their lives, lives around them, &/or die behind their addictions. THATS how i got here. as for my DOC, & here i waved my lil notta-cigertte & said... nicotine. one person said 'thats' not... & three others interupted & said - yes it is - addiction is addiciton .... & group continued.

sorry this is so long, & if ya read it all (typos et al - i wrote this late last nite, tired & blind..) - thank you.

[beachlady]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Sounds like a very tough day!!!! Time for ponies and rest!!!
Luv'n hugs!!!
Beachlady
_________________
"I'm spilling the secrets
My back's to the wall
I'm saving my own skin
Let the house of cards fall..." Betsy Rose
"Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity"..... love this quote!!

[coast]

hey reisha

it is a good feeling when you can see progress like this, knowing that you made a connection with that ' lil punk wannabe ganst.. shithead - 15y/o'

good job girl

[grandma in pain]

((((((((((reisha))))))))))
_________________
Trying to heal

"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."
- Confucius

[rabbit]

Thanks for telling it again...this is the first I "saw" who you are.

I like sassy indomitable savvy women! And I think i may have spotted another one.

That's who I want to be when I'm ninety-five -- I've been practicing for years!

Thanks for your thorough individuality...or whatever you'd like to call it this week.

(Keep on signifying!)
_________________
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well."

[reisha]

ok, i need to bust myself, confess my sins, or just Get It Out - this damned DH group - theres a big show upcommin, & im feeling snarky, unloved, barely tolerated, - for sure ive NOT been invited to participate in the 'extra' reindeer games that are occuring & i am hurt. i am filled w/ hateful thots about these peeps, & i want to lash out. but mostly, im beating self up for even caring - i KNOW they're the 'wrong tree' to bark up, yet i keep persisting - wtf's THAT about, & why do i keep doing it? yeah, yeah - i want to be noticed, i want the attention, i want to be fukkin acknowledged! & they just all go about their merry games, never once considering who's been left out, & it fukkin hurts! ive been instrumental in the creation of this group, activly participate & it just bunches my panties beyond tolerable levels, to be shunned like this, ignored, dismissed, not even considered. as they're making hotel plans - who's stayin w/ who, who's drivin in w/ who, & then theres some specail show prep stuff too - workin on & ridin on floats for a parade, does reisha get included? fuck no! & im just filled w/ thots of wanting the flaot to fall over, for them to get sick from treats, maybe fall off the flaot & break a few bones - i hate having these thots! & im sure its wunna those 'too obvious for me to see' things - why it even bothers me so much. its one thing to have a warpped perception of not being included, but im pretty sure that a non-biased observer would notice that ive definatley been dis-included in much of the planning; & i spose part of its cuz ive yet to find a new niche-group to fit in comfortably with, so i hang on to this old group that no longer serves my purposes & the whole thing just really rubs me the wrong way - WHY cant i just 'let go'?
its a non-refundable tix, i spose i could try & sell it - it is a sold out show, but im goin w/ a non 'group' friend & i spose i'll have sum version of fun after its all said & done, but right now, i dont even wanna go any more. - since i cant lash out at them, i'll just punish myself instead. I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS!!!!

[grandma in pain]

reisha, I completely understand. I've been in this type of situation many times, especially when it was involving dance, and so I can really relate and understand. Everyone needs to feel wanted and acknowledged and appreciated. Everyone. Yet there's always those who seem to forget that and dismiss us. And yes, it hurts. A lot. And even though we say to ourselves, "why do I even care?"... we do. I know for me a big part of it is due to feeling that way my whole life because of my dad. We want to know that we matter and that we make a difference. I hope I'm making sense...

(((((reisha)))))
_________________
Trying to heal

"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop."
- Confucius

[beachlady]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}

This DH group has been a kind of substitute family, right? And a tie to the time before surgery, before everything hit? It has so many facets of your past and herstory, no wonder it is hard to feel left out and not included. That HURTS, no matter what, and even more so when it is a group you were instrumental in building. I wonder if - and suspect that - there is grief under the anger? I am sending you tons of love and comfort my friend, and hoping you can let go of the beating yourself up about this, because you do NOT deserve more pain... though the self inflicted is certainly more controllable than the pain inflicted by others, so it has an odd protection to it.
Sitting with you and sending tissues and old phone books to rip and plates to break.
Love,
Beachlady
_________________
"I'm spilling the secrets
My back's to the wall
I'm saving my own skin
Let the house of cards fall..." Betsy Rose
"Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity"..... love this quote!!

[beecoz]

((((reshia))))
That really sucks. Hope you manage to have a nice time in spite of everything. Sending good thoughts your way.
beecoz

[reisha]

{{GRANDMA!!}}}} oh, wow - it means so much, to see a response from you! thank you, thank you!

{{beachy!}} - as usual, ya nail it. or at least, a large part of it.

{becuz!} thank you, dear. reading replies surely helps ( at least someone, somewhere hears me, sees me, etc)

what i dont get is .... why i keep persisting in WANTING them, even after finding out they arent really there for me, dont really care ( on anything other than those superficial levels) - i KNOW they arent capable of giving me what i want/need/am looking for - so why do i keep banging my head agaisnt that wall? why dont/cant i start investigating other 'trees' to bark up? - beach - yes, they were the closest thing to family i had for a while - but ya'd think i woulda gotten it thru my head by now that this groups is JUST for funNgames, not for any deep, or meaningful connection. its almost ... perverse, the way i keep going back - trying to re-write the script,, get it right this time - i just dont get it, whats the ... disconnect im operating under? why is it so damn difficult to let go? why am/do i ... keep hurting myself like this? why am i so reluctant to seek elsewhere - ok, the other side-a abandonment, i dont wanna abandon them. sounds good, given my herstory, but it just dunna ring true here - as angry & hurt as i am, ya'd think id be more than ready to abandon this 'quest', yano? i spsoe part-a it is i dont know where else to look (& thats kinda lame) - my 'excuse' there is that - the stuff i want, the types of folx who'd interst me arent in great abundance in my local area; & im ~not willing~ to 'put myself out', to travel to where those types of folx are. so, im cuttin my nose to spite my face? creating my own misery?

this is a huge, major 'stuck point' for me, i dont know how to move forward w/ this aspect of healing; instead, im stuck in this stupid cycle of insanity, doin the same thing over & over, hopin ofr a different outcome. how do i break it, break free? what am i missing, not seeing, not getting?whats that puzzle piece i need, to let go & get past this? (why ask why!)

im tired of this happening, of returning to these same old feelings & thot paterns, i really want to heal this part. ive looked at it from many different angles, gained some insights here & there, yet im still stuck here - argh! i need a fukkin clue or two here, multiverse!!

[beachlady]

{{{{{{{{{{{{Reisha}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I wonder if you said it: "trying to re-write the script, get it right this time". That repitition compulsion, you know??? The not seeking elsewhere makes TOTAL sense; you kinda answered that too, not many groups that appeal and that not wanting to risk being rejected / hurt / disappointed again... You ARE recognizing the pattern, which is good. You are recognizing it as hurtful, also good. Are you scared of something? Scared of really being alone? Scared of accepting their lack of care (as long as you keep fighting it, are you holding onto some hope of change?)? Who would you be without that part of your web of connections / identity???
Sending lots of hugs and support!!!!
Love,
Beachlady
_________________
"I'm spilling the secrets
My back's to the wall
I'm saving my own skin
Let the house of cards fall..." Betsy Rose
"Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity"..... love this quote!!