still going on

[Fleur]

Hello VAC


Thank you for your words of peace


May your "Year of the Open Door" bring blessings of both recall and resettlement, to allow a full and productive life

Wishing you very well in all respects


Much caring

[VAC]

Hello,

This has been a long day....part of this yo-yo season is a holdover from childhood. If something has gone well, I have to fight myself not to take me down to try and mess it up in my mind.

When I am tired or in pain, it is worse, like a dog that won't stop barking when you would like to sleep.

I have realized how much was given to me as a child and how much was taken away because I did not fit a mold.....all of that for another time

I had a long session with my T who is also my best friend. He is the one I asked if I was crazy, as I had never heard of a man of my age having recall so late in life. He said it was highly improbable, but not impossible.

It was a good time of catching up and letting him know where I am right now.

'thanks everyone,,,,,,

[Fleur]

Hello VAC


Sounds like lots being processed - and perhaps more in queue awaiting attention

Really great you have a good friend in your T and you had a catch up session

I doubt that there is any age that is too old or young for recall. Seems to me it depends on circumstances, plus how much we have always known


Much caring

[Harmony]

Hi VAC,

Joining you on the trail to grow old gracefully.

with care,
Harmony

[Jitterbug]

Hello Vac.

Have been reading, catching up... I can see why you feel something may soon be about to reveal itself. I trust your inner wisdom and support you as you move through into this new phase.

I am so glad you are able to post here. I feel so sad for all that you suffered and the chaos that was for a time your life. It is wonderful that you have such a wonderful wife who sees the beauty in you.

Your strength, honesty, and courage is very evident here.

Respectful and caring,

Jitterbug

[Jonesy]

Hey VAC

Always glad to read from you. Always inspiring and giving much food for thought.

[VAC]

Hello,

THANKS...YOU GUYS ROCK!

....made me cry.

I love having this place to come to, and your comments here make me realize how much I miss the "old days" when many people were on chat. I was a newby here then.

Sometimes I would have to get off chat just to process.

One of the things this site affords is the luxury of anonymity and boundless patience with one another. I have only gotten agitated a couple of times in these years, and that was when someone was trying to horse another around.

I see and feel the honesty and release of newcomers, remembering what a relief it was for me to have a place to get it all out of me. I also have mourned knowing the isolation of dear ones with this site as the one window in the room of their souls.

In the early days I would sometimes write on here for hours....oddly some of the most soul-searching posts were deleted when I tried to post them. I believe that was perhaps for the best, since I needed to see thoughts in print for me to process that might not have been life to someone else.

I know you all lead busy lives, and those who moderate and guide, are themselves, healing wounded healers...broken vessels leak.

I just want what is on the inside of me to change so that when I leak it is good.

There are those who have disappeared from the site who touched me deeply: I wonder what has become of them.

I am an odd sort: surrounded by people most of the time. I think I am tapping into (rather being tapped into) the mystery of what I call "my driftingness"....had I not experienced this my whole conscious life, I would suspect I had dementia.

That place was my hiding place that I want no more....it is being squeezed right now, like a toothpaste tube from the bottom up. Just today I caught myself "reducing" from what was going on around me to that "nothingness" some seem to believe is a religious experience.

If I could draw it would look like I am shrinking away from sound and sensation, perhaps even changing dimensions.

My wife recognizes this in me and calls me back...this has been for most of our marriage. Where are you? What are you thinking? I see your mind working and it is not here.

I know the technical terms for these things, but I know this is a change of venue and a catharsis.

Perhaps I will not know all the mechanics, the why's and wherefore's, but something this way comes.

How I would like to sit down with all or each of you and enjoy a few moments of friendship in this busy and lonely world!

I often ponder me when I have to gaze in a mirror....the man in the mirror, behind whose eyes I dwell.

I have become almost zealous about not having my photograph taken, quite a change for one who took such pride in being photographed; perhaps fitting, or some sort of comeuppance, but I do not believe in karma as a concrete reality. I do know about spiritual currency.

Something I wrote long ago, "Youth, beauty, wisdom: the great ages of man. Time conquers all; time humbles the gods."

At the time I was writing about my wonderful grandfather who was fading away.

I look forward to seeing this good man again, but no fears, I am a fixture and needed.

I have walked upon a literal earthen dam, solid beneath my feet, but examining the base and the force from the water of the other side, knew that in a coming fierce rain, that dam would break, and all that lay hidden beneath the dark water would be exposed.

That happened (not with me there standing).

That is precisely how I feel about myself right now, but all is well, I am in Good Hands.

I used to labor slavishly for my dad; he had employees, but he would put to me to work that was much too hard for my young body, and to tasks he would not place upon his hired help. I was younger than fourteen in this instance, but he had me digging out a cesspool. I was standing on the edge digging and the wall collapsed, and I fell into the sewage up to my chest.

I called for him and he laughed at me. I begged him to just shoot me. He laughed louder.

I asked him to help me out....he laughed.

I got out and ran down the hill and jumped in the river, and stayed in until the cool current had washed the filth away.

That man is dead, that dad of mine.

Now I have a Father that does not mock me or laugh at me. I believe this thing coming out of me is the end of shame and the last bit of degradation. I will stay in this River.

Thanks,

VAC

A safe journey.....safe passage....to each of you.

[Fleur]

Thank you for timely reminder VAC

May you enjoy a blessed day

[wolfspirit]

VAC,
I am a newcomer, both to isurvive and to healing. It took me months before I started to believe I could heal. I found isurvive a year after the memories surfaced. Your post, like so many others on the site, inspires me. Your voice is like a quiet wind in the forest behind my house.
The place I am in is longing. An incessant space of waiting and wanting peace from the past and hope for the future.
There have been a couple of days, a clearing in the clouds, of freedom from the reality and pain.
I am truly blessed with a T I love, as she has stepped me through the darkest flashbacks and psychological breakdowns.
But I am still triggered, even in the safest places I know. I am thrown back into isolation and despair despite all that I know about fighting back and staying present. I fall. Deep into worthlessness, powerlessness.

People I know can tell me to find the joy and the blessings and the progress of healing. I try. It lasts only for that moment as if I am transparent and the presence floats through me. The heaviness of rejection and rootlessness absorbs the light from those moments.

I long for wholeness. I long for love, security, and worth.
The spiritual path I am on is so shrouded by my pain that I often disconnect and my heart goes back to longing.

You and the friends at isurvive are a foundational space for me right now. During the loneliest times, I have them to rest with.

Thank you for bringing your wisdom.

wolfspirit

[VAC]

Wolf Spirit,

Thanks for your heartfelt post....I am glad you are in this healing place. I spent many years dissecting myself trying to figure what was wrong with.

I came off the streets and away from a totally nihilistic hedonism when I was 23. I had never dreamed much as I had never slept much.

I started having a repetitive sequential dream, with each dream fully connected to the previous ones, and all vividly remembered in my waking hours. They were very disturbing to me. These dreams reached a crescendo 26 years later. One day I will write the whole thing down again.

The amazing thing is that two months later, at age 49, I was listening to music, that was particularly beautiful, and a dam broke, and the memories came back to me. I resented having this knowledge, but knew it was the right time for me to know, and it was the right time for me to heal.

Wholeness will come to you. The great burden on survivors of CSA is to identify with the abuse and pain, and shame; I want to know, but I want to lay it down.

Peace and insight to your dreams and waking moments, Wolf Spirit. Healing and cleansing to your soul.

Do your best to forgive your abusers....it is the sanest thing I have discovered in dealing with my past.

Safe passage to you,

VAC