Things a loved one may not want to hear.

[the husband]

There are things that loved ones do not want to hear. I'm going to start exploring them here so that people can nibble at them and digest at their own speed and comfort level.


"Was our life before 'real', or was it just a sham?" "Can't we just go back to what we had?"

These are two aspects of the same issue. I've been struggling with how to answer in a way that is realistic.

In my case I think we were always striving for normalcy because we wanted it to be true. All the things in our life together were real in that they happened and the intent behind them was real. We tried to act out normal lives, and tried to feel the way we thought we should. So our words, actions and intent were real - even if the "usual" feelings were not quite connected.

Once we began to see that many of the trappings of the normal life we were trying to live in weren't real, the whole facade started to crumble. Our parents were never really parents, siblings didn't really have our best interests at heart, and other relationships were never what we tried to make them be. We couldn't go back to what we had, because we didn't ever really have it.


I've been trying to sort out another way of explaining it. I imagine a couple who like to travel and visit, but one of them comes down with a painful chronic illness. They take the trips until the ill one says the trips are no longer worth it due to the pain. The other is distraught that their partner was not enjoying the trips all along, but the partner simply says that they were enjoying the normalcy and the company for as long as they could.

[Sheep]

the husband,

These were two great questions! Ones I have even asked myself: Were the 20 yrs of my married life just a waste?

I really like the trip analogy as well.

Maybe I'll print this out sometime when I am in a place to sort through all the marriage stuff. Still working hard on the past childhood trauma and abuse.

You add a lot to isurvive here.

Thanks!

Sheep

[TimeToHeal]

Do you love eachother? If you love eachother and you have a close friendship then you have more than most in this world. that's all i can say.

[recover]

oh the husband, oh my. i so relate to your post. from many perspectives. from the perspective of my FOO for sure. and from the perspective of my marriage. my husband of then 22 years (it was back in 2013) came out to me as gay. we are now separated. he was my very best friend, many good things in the marriage.

i wonder every day about what in my life has been real and what hasn't. what timetoheal says is very true. i try to hold on to that myself.

i really don't know what was real in my childhood and in my marriage. T says it was all real in a certain way as we are all so very complex and complicated. i really don't know.

i do know two things for real: I love my children more than anything i always have and i always will. and that even if H is gay and suffers severe depression, he did and does love me as best as he can. those are the only two things in life i am sure of.

thank you for this thread and i wish you much healing and love.

with much support,
recover
p.s. sheep, how lovely to see your name xoxo