Life and Love

[sam]

It's been a while. Glad to say that it is because I am, generally speaking, ok. I'm learning how to do this "life" thing.
Most of you won't remember me, but I too started on the old orange boards. I really needed a safe place then. I followed to the new one and gradually found my way and needed help and guidance less and less. Since then I bought a house, by myself, and I changed careers this year. Got myself a good steady job that adequately covers my bills and with a pension. It's not easy, and definitely comes with it's own dangers...and sometimes I wonder if that was ok because I still have trouble defining what is ok to put myself through and what is too much. Still trying to singlehandedly save the world.
So why am I here now?
I found the one thing I thought I was too broken to find, the one thing I had started to think just wasn't in the cards for me...love.
I had tried, but I was careful and no one was just "right." Was I too picky? Too careful? Not good enough? Not pretty enough? Probably not girly enough. Or, as I suspected, did I still have some unintentional defenses up that pushed anyone available away? I didn't know. Maybe that was just as well, because, afterall, I was pretty sure I might be broken. Then I met M and everything changed. He is truly a wonderful kind and good man. And for whatever reason he loves me, quite a lot. I have to get better at that...understanding why anyone would love me.
I don't know how I got so lucky. He wants to know about me. He tells me about everything about himself. So, finally I did. Well...kinda. I still have trouble finding words to say out loud, but he asked questions because I said it was ok to. I told him I don't want to keep things from him, I don't need to have secrets, I hate secrets, but there are some things I can't talk about well. He knew I was too quiet about myself. He knew there were reasons. His dad is awesome, so he knew it was bad when I told him my dad was dead, but don't worry about it because he was an asshole anyway. He never pushed to know what, but he wanted me to know that he's here for me, for anything. But I was having trouble getting it out. Spoken words are still hard. We talked for hours...we do that often, about anything and everything. I cried, he held me, and told me continually that it wasn't my fault. He did everything you could ever want someone to do. How did that happen?! I know most of you don't know or won't remember my story. That's ok. He is also angry at my mom and brother for how they treated me and still treat me. All I ever wanted was someone to love me and understand. I thought it was too much to ask or hope for...and it freaks me out a bit to think that I found someone so good to me...as if my life won't let it last somehow. It will fall apart, he'll decide I'm a terrible person one day, he'll get ripped away from me (his job is dangerous too), etc. I fear I don't deserve him. He knows my darkest secrets...and still loves me? How? Why? My own family never loved me the right way...how could he?
The past few nights I haven't slept well. Just as I'm falling asleep, my brain gets to churning...I get agitated, toss and turn, and unexpected touch makes me jump or kick, I've had bad dreams. I know it will pass. It's just from talking about it all. But it's the first time I've gone through it with someone else in bed with me. He sleeps soundly so I don't think it disturbs him too much and when it did he just gently helped me wake up out of it.
But now I worry...he knows the truth about me so will realize eventually that he can do better.
I've never been in love...and I'm head over heels. With a clear and logical head about him...just not about myself. I don't know how to fix that. On his own he says how good I am to him, what a wonderful girlfriend, how awesome I am, how much he loves me, how lucky he is, that I'm too good to him...and I tell him he has no idea how good he is to me. He comes from a family we all wish we did. I love his parents. I don't think I can ever explain to him in a way he could understand how good he is to me and how much it means. He's had his rough times too...such a nice guy that previous girlfriends cheated on him.
What he doesn't know is that not only would i never do that...no, that he does know. What he really doesn't know is why besides having integrity and loyalty and that I love him and you don't do that to those you love...he's the only one I've enjoyed having intercourse with. There was only one other that could be called consentual and it was awful. HIM I love, so it's not scary. Not that I don't still feel broken sometimes. But I feel...I'm not numb, it's good and I love the one I am with. I trust him, completely. He's the only one I've ever trusted like that. How do you explain going over 10 years without to someone who had a normal life? It's embarrassing. He knows it was "awhile" he knows I didn't date "much". He knows that I've said I spent a lot of time working on myself, to make sure I got it figured out without making terrible mistakes if I could help it. He knows I did my research on this stuff and put myself in counseling for a while. He knows the choices and decisions I made to make my life better for myself. He loves how independent and strong I am...he just wanted me to feel I can be less strong with him, that I can tell him anything, that I don't have to hide, that I can cry when I need to. How did I get so lucky? Where's the catch? When is the cartoon floor going to drop away? Can this really happen for me? I adore him and I know he's honest and sounds too perfect, but he really is so genuine...and I know I've been waiting for him for a long time. I'm just scared as much as I am in love. And I hate that my life set me up to be better at being scared than in trusting love.
Thank you isurvive for always letting me vent...the only place I can write it all out in uncensored honesty.
Life is finally good...just needed a moment to freak out. It was a big step opening up to him...he's the only one who really knows. I suppose it's natural for my head to be freaking out. I do love and adore him so much...finally life is coming together.

sam

[mustard seed]

Oh my gosh dearest Sam,

Thank you for one of the most hope filling, beautiful posts I have ever read.
You are living my deepest longing and desire, to love and be loved.

The work you have done will pay off for you and if you allow it, true love endures all things and never fails.
Your fears are very natural and to be expected. I have every confidence you will suceed in trusting love.

So very happy for you, Bravo.
Warmest regards,
mustard seed

[hopeful]

Sam

thank you so much for such a great post. You sound like you have been through so much and have come so far. I am so pleased for you that you have found someone like m. Gives us newbies some hope of some kind of normality in the future. I would love to enjoy being intimate with my h, for now that is no go and before I couldn't tell you because I wasn't truely there in my head.

I echo ms in saying bravo and hope you overcome your fears and trust the love you are being given.

with respect

hopeful

[Sir Cary]

ah,Sam.....what can I say....that is so beautiful. I am so happy for you.



I haven't been here in a very long time now. I just happened to stop by , and I'm glad I did. How wonderful to see your words.

I can recall the words spoken by the announcer at the 1980 Olympics when the Americans defeated the Russians in ice hockey. He said, "Do you believe in miracles? Yes!"

Yes, Sam, my friend. Yes. Believe. Love is for real. Healing is for real. My friend, life really does give us second chances. Love is the greatest gift you can give another human being. It is also the greatest gift you can receive. You deserve that gift, Sam. Absolutely!

Remember the words spoken by the Wizard of Oz to the Tin Woodman? "And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."

You can believe it, Sam. You can believe it. Life is good.

Life is for living and for loving.

Sir Cary

[Harmony]

Wow,

What a treat to have you, oldies but goodies drop by for a bit. You sam and Sir Cary are both so welcome here. It is really great to hear from you. It is also helpful to the new members to hear that life does change over time. Life can be better.

thanks for writing,

Harmony

[sam]

Mustard seed and hopeful, thank you so much. It helped me to read your words, and to realize that my words could be helpful to others. Hang in there. Things were beyond rough for what feels like forever. If it can happen for me...well then everyone can do it. Feel free to read any of my old posts...anything to help someone realize it gets better, especially when it feels most like it never will. I've had plenty of those times myself.

Sir Cary, how awesome to see you here, my dear friend. Your words about love always made it seem possible even during the times it seemed impossible through the hurt and pain. It seemed like a fairytale...out there but beyond reach and nearly surreal.
I found it, my friend. You would approve of him...he is all I ever dreamed of finding. Scares the shit out of me to say that, but I love and trust him like I never have with anyone. If anything was ever the real deal, this is it.


Harmony, so good to see you too, thank you for all you continue to do here. Thank you to all who keep isurvive running. And as a place us oldies can drop in anytime and still have our soft place to fall for a moment.

I slept quietly last night, with no more effort or struggle than usual. For me, soundly and peacefully.
As we were just getting settled and still talking a bit, cuddled up under the covers, I told him how much his response and actions the other night meant to me. I told him how that was all I had ever wanted to hear, but never did. How he said everything right.
He was quiet for a moment and hugged me tight. He sighed and said that I was supposed to be able to trust family, that family was supposed to be what his family is like. He said he was sorry I didn't have that. We talked for a while...even though he had to get up super early for work, but he never said a word about that.
We are going to visit his family this weekend. For my birthday and early Christmas since I have to work during Christmas. Earlier in the night he asked if I was excited about my birthday, expecting possibly a joke or a yes. I put on a grumpy face and said, "nooo, I hate my birthday..." (And then smirky grinned at him). He hugged me, grinned back, and said "not anymore."
I am at peace. Life is good.

Sam

[mustard seed]

Thank you Sam,
very inspiring

I wanted to jump in and say, "who is this Sir Cary?"
Whoever you are Sir, I loved, loved, loved your post, thank you for reminding me to believe in miracles-though I think I did miss that hockey game.

It is good for us newbies to hear from you-those who have enough healing to move on. Please continue to drop in on us and share your knowledge and experience.

I for one holdfast to everything good, helpful or positive I find on here whilst at the same time shedding tears with those who are suffering as I am.

Bravo isurvive

Sam, can hardley wait to hear about your birthday, please share if you can, so excited!
And by the way, what do the green faces mean?

Much respect,
ms

[sam]

Ah...that is something Cary and I would do in chat, often to cheer me up...emoticon wars

[mustard seed]

AAh

emoticon wars
sounds like fun

got it now, thanks;

ms

[Sir Cary]

Harmony,

Thank you for your kind words. I am an oldie and I hope I am still a goodie (Just ask my wife).
Yes, there is life after healing. I am doing very well. I can say that healing is worth all the work you can devote to it. Life does change for the better. It is hard work, but it is worth it.

Sam,

Thank you also for your kind words, my friend. So glad you have the real deal. Feels good, doesn't it? I too have been very lucky with love. I am still madly in love with the woman I married, and in my opinion I have the best mother-in-law around.

Sam, you've pointed out some very important things about love and trust. Learning to trust is a big hurdle to overcome for survivors. And when you think about it, being in love means you have opened yourself up to another. Vulnerability is a word to describe it. But it is a good vulnerability, so different from what we have known in the past. A new learning experience, to be sure. It's no wonder that love and trust can be scary at first. All will work out in time my dear friend.

((((((((Sam))))))))

Mustard Seed,

Nice to meet you and thank you for your kind words. I go way back on isurvive. I remember when I first came here that many people helped me on my healing journey. I like to think of it as climbing a mountain. I had to start with one step at a time. My first step was something someone wrote here: YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU DO COUNT. Why? Because you are alive and here right now. It is the idea of unconditional love, something we wish we had received growing up. That's what unconditional love really is in a nutshell: I love you for who you are, right now. I love you because you are here. You are special.

Healing is hard work. I can vouch for that. But when at last the day came and I reached the top of the mountain, I could hardly believe it. I saw the promised land--I was becoming the person I was always meant to be. I felt confident and at peace.

Life is good. It is good to be alive and here right now. You can climb the mountain.

There are many paths to healing, and I probably took the most difficult path. I gained many insights here. For me, the key was understanding the meaning of my flashbacks. I wanted to know the how and why. I read several books, and I began writing in a journal. I then collected my writings as a memoir, which I later published.

I have now come full circle. Several people have helped me, and I in turn want to pay it forward.

Welcome to the healing path, mustard seed. Healing is for real.

Sir Cary