still going on

[Fleur]

Hello VAC

Saddened to know of the passing of your Aunt. Great that you and cousin could share time

Secrets, data if preferred tend to be revealed a little at a time, I believe , so that we have time, can adjust to the new information. Appreciate you sharing
Hopefully, you'll discover everything you need/want/deserve to comprehend

Cheers

[VAC]

It really all disgusts me. I am ok. Just dealing with greater depths of betrayal.

I do believe it comes in stages.

VAC

[Fleur]

Here listening VAC

May this weekend hold peaceful moments for you

Much caring

[VAC]

Still no call from the man from the funeral: perhaps he thought better of telling me anything.

I have come into a place of protected peace.

VAC

[Jitterbug]

Hello Vac,

Your anger and pain feels visceral to me and I am so glad that you have come to this space. You so deserve nurturing, warmth, care and so much more.

If it's Ok, I am sitting here with you feeling all those things towards you. I haven't been around for a while, but I have been thinking about you all here.

This is a long, slow, complicated journey and we can only take it one moment at a time. I am so sorry for the frustration, betrayal and everything else that you are feeling right now.

(((((((((( Vac )))))))))))) (if that's OK too?)

Jitterbug

[Fleur]

Hello VAC

Do you have any way of contacting him if you wanted?

Protection comes in many guises

Wishing you and loved ones very well in all respects

[VAC]

Thanks you guys,

He told me he his name at the funeral when we were talking: so much came at me at once I pushed his name away from me. He asked me three times if I had asked his grandmother to forgive me....

He kept pushing, and honestly, it might have been a black/white thing: these were Jim Crow days.

I was a little pre-school kid who was nuts. I finally told him I thought I remembered locking her out of the house. He could see I was struggling. I finally asked him to forgive me for whatever I did or said to his grandmother, and that I had blocked a lot of that out, that I wasn't treated right as a child.

I wanted to talk to him and gave him my number. The only way I know of finding him is going back to that church.

It was a rush of many images, which is typical for me when these things come.

I have not "been my best" since then, and the subsequent funeral of my aunt and day spent with my cousin. I have talked with some friends who knew my dad about some childhood stuff....

My dad was funny, good-looking, generous: He was a hot car and motorcycle guy; he was a Jekyll-Hyde. He had many friends. He had a 50 year reputation as a man about town. He tried to talk to me about his escapades when he was dying. I have really tried to hate my dad and mom, but it won't work for me. I am thankful for the good things about them. I know that sounds weird, but I have an enormous capability to put situations and people away.

Things just cease to be when I choose to throw them into the abyss.

I have been agitated a bit. The old thing of "needing to get away" comes and goes, but it is no one living I need to get away from. I have looked at things from the past which disgust me, I think a form of punishment. I am sad that so many survivors seem to be self-destructive and somewhat masochistic. I understand all that.

I understand wanting to run and to be isolated; I also know it is the last thing I need to do.

I have a great support group around me....I do my best not to be depressing or negative. There is nothing I can do to go back and change the past. I have been singing again publicly lately, and have shared my experience with CSA publicly again as well. Facing some medical issues which will be corrected, stemming from childhood injuries and medical neglect. I have almost felt these were a blessing in disguise, as I have had to focus on pain and solution.

The irony of my experience does not escape me. I was an advocate for abused children for years and worked closely with family services. Others and myself marveled at the keen insight I seemed to have with such children......me nor anyone else could have believed I had blocked memories and would remember. They were my people: I was one of them.

No wonder.

I was doing intake on a kid who had come into a private institution a lifetime ago. He was so polite and bright. He served everyone, and took great pains to identify with staff and not the other children.

His armor seemed so tight, but repetitively he talked about going fishing and hunting with his young uncle and his friends: we all believed this was the key and that he had been badly abused.

One day he attacked another one of the young patients and I had to get him off and hold him still until he calmed down.....he fragmented and was talking a fugue.

"I'm a dirty, mean, little no good, no account son of a bitch! I am good for nothing!"

He was agitated and aroused and that was the key to get him to talk openly with the counselors. Thank you uncle dear.

I related to that kid, not the circumstances of his abuse (my own would remain hidden for another 20 years), but to the shame and feelings of worthlessness. I used to sing everything, but mostly Gospel music now. It is one of the things my wife and I do together, for the most part, although we both sing alone.

The only thing that has ever lifted the sense of shame and "being dirty" from me is my faith. So grateful.

I am thinking out loud now, but thanks again for your concern. I am ok, just growing pains I think. I hope everyone has a peaceful thanksgiving. For those of you who do not have family or friends near, or who are alone, I have a suggestion.

Don't sit at home alone.

Get as dressed up as you know how and get out among people, at least for a meal. Take a book or a laptop. Make a list of the things you are thankful for, no matter how few. Enjoy solitude, but be out and about for a bit of time. Make yourself look at people, acknowledge them. Make a habit of doing this ever so often.

You all are much appreciated.

VAC

VAC

I have never forgotten that kid. He would be in his forties now. I hope he made it.

[VAC]

Hello,

I have been away for a bit of time....I am homebound for a season, healing. Amazing to be here in my sixties having repairs to my body due to abuse and medical neglect from over 60 years ago.

We were not poor and my mom was a nurse.

I went to one of my cousins and had her leave a message for her elderly parents, both in their 90's, but active, if they would talk to me about my family. They never responded.

Honestly, I could find out more, but I ask myself why. The things that have come back to me I have rather resented knowing, but realized it was necessary.

I am alone, but not alone. I have to remind myself not to push people away, not to isolate.

Being homebound and not able to drive has brought back the temptation to go into the blank place I would once hide in.

Can't stay there.

I stand in amazement.

This is going to sound demented and impossible to some of you, and I apologize if this hurts any of you. I miss my parents. I cared for both of them while they died. I miss them, the good things about them.

I appreciate the good things they did. I hate the evil that scarred two generations. I hate the despair my mom lived in until she broke and didn't care anymore. It would be easier not to care.

I remember my dad crying and screaming in the yard, running away from me, cursing his own soul, screaming that he was sorry he was ever born.

I have tried to hate people. I had other abusers in different arenas of my life.

I believe that I was born to love. I have tried to run from it, but it is there none the less. When I say that I was born to love, I do not mean sex.

I have a friend who had a son, the "problem child", out of four boys.....he has been away from home, on drugs, a wild ass of a young man. After a long while, he came home. His folks helped him get off drugs and on his feet. He was working a job as a clerk in a convenience store. A teen walked in and shot him dead for the 17 dollars in the cash register.

During the trial, he and his wife stood before the judge, and begged with tears for the life of the young fellow who had killed their son. They asked for mercy for him. They told the judge that one life had been destroyed. They forgave the boy in front of the judge and courtroom.

I asked him how he could do this....

He told me that they had to or go crazy. That it was the only way they could have peace. They tried to visit the young man, but he refused to see them.

Peace.

Not long ago, I was in a public place having lunch with a friend of mine, who is a dignified man. We were sitting in a booth and his back was to the door. I was facing it.

An older woman in her late sixties or early seventies was going out.

She pointed at me, mocked me, and laughed....twice.

I smiled.

I have known this and variations of this all my life.

Some dark place in this woman connected with the abyss and out of the darkness she hated a stranger who was not destroyed by the darkness.

I live and I love.


Peace to you all,

VAC

[Jonesy]

Thanks for sharing VAC. Your strength shines through.
Your words have this uncanny effect of stirring something deep within me and I am glad to know you here.

[ajei]

Thank you for your words VAC.

ajei