still going on

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wolfspirit
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Posts: 1034
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm

Re: still going on

Post by wolfspirit » Sat Jul 07, 2018 10:26 pm

VAC,
Thank you for caring. I wrote a long post earlier but then it disappeared. :(
Every day I feel the emptiness inside telling me to give up. I plan how to die. But then I use what I've learned in my trauma therapy to talk back to that voice. I hear my girls say, "Mom". I read my letter goodbye that I wrote last year and remember that I've lasted this long.
It's an emptiness coming from a place inside that was supposed to be where I came to believe that I was worth something. Where I learned how to love and receive love. That space never formed because the two people who created me did not nurture it. No, they burned those neuropathways. They cut off those pathways. I can't recreate that in therapy (although I've been able to feel love from my therapist and that's a good step) or "find" it somewhere outside of myself. I know it doesn't work that way- I tried that for the first 30 years of my life.

Those sayings you know, that are self-help/ self-realization mantras:
You can choose who you want to be.
Your thoughts determine your reality.
Throw your intentions out into the universe and they will return to be a part of you.
Don't let the past determine your future.
Let it go and move forward.

These are all statements that just don't seem to work for me. There's one on this card someone gave me: I can FEEL positive if I THINK positive.
Oh yeah, so here I am thinking positive and grateful if I can manage to do that, and then later that evening the emptiness knocks on my mind. "You thought I was gone?" Nice try.
"I'm not empty or worthless," I say back. "Those are the beliefs my abusers taught me."
"Ah, but we will never change because you are the same person you were as a child. You can't change that," the emptiness replies.
So I hang on until my therapy session where my t teaches me about circular thinking and asking myself if my thoughts serve me or hurt me. And I answer that they hurt me but I don't know anything else. So she quietly lets me cry and hide and holds my hand. She comforts me and tells me I am enough. That I am more than the trauma.
Then I leave her office wanting more time with her. Wanting to feel that peace and faith more often.
But I am just her client and I see her for 90 minutes once a week. That's like five rows of stitching in a 10' x 10' quilt.
Not enough time to contain anything.
And now I am at a point in my healing where I am trying to reach out for friendships. I have no friends, just my husband and my sisters. It is so hard. Anything new triggers me. Any new person feels scary to my child self.

And that is my whiny, self-piteous story of where I am and why suicide is my shadow.
Why I come here to isurvive to feel somewhat normal and connected.
Why I read your posts and others' and think about them when I'm overwhelmed.

I appreciate all of the encouragement you have given me. I hope that someday I can feel that faith. I can fill that hole.
That I can spend just one day without that voice telling me to quit.
You've probably been in that space before.
You were strong enough to get to a place of stability where you are stronger than that voice.
A lot of survivors do.

<3

ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi

VAC
Member
Posts: 634
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Wed Jul 11, 2018 4:24 am

Wolf Spirit,

Your incredibly powerful post is anything but whiny and self-piteous.

I have heard the voices, but they are dimmer now.

I have a basic philosophy of life that I have always believed as long as I can remember, that there is Light and darkness, and Good and evil.

For you to have a loving husband and sisters makes you not alone.

The thing that reasonates in my inner being is that I want to live....recently I watched a man choose to die. He could have lived for years, but refused to take standard medical treatments that could have been temporary.

His wife and children loved him and begged him to stay. It was pitiful to watch. He was afraid. He was a big man.

I am a friend of the family and was involved.

After it was over I thought about it for a long time.


Then I went home and with tears told my wife I would do anything it took to just spend one more day with her.


I have love of which I do not feel worthy, but I am loved nevertheless. I like to watch my wife and the small family we have. I like things that would bore the socks off most people.


I am still sorting through the last remaining flotsam and jetsam from my generations. Just yesterday I put out a handmade shelf by the road and waved to the man who stopped to pick it up.


I would like to think that I dare the demands to die, to be disgraced, ashamed, demoted, and all the hurtful self evaluations imprinted in my core, by refusing to take identity there....it is not easy. Sometimes I have to make myself function, but it is laughable when I remember how I would get up in the morning (if I slept) and run until I could not take another step. Constant motion was my peace for too many years.


You will live, Wolf Spirit, and will live out your days. I am thankful you have a T who is genuinely engaged with you. I had T's for years who told me to just do more of everything that was destroying me, not to feel guilty about it, and would give me stronger drugs than I could buy on the streets. Those were dark and fleeting days.


Peace and live to you, Wolf Spirit, who is neither whiny or pitiful.


VAC

VAC
Member
Posts: 634
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Sun Jul 15, 2018 5:22 am

VAC,

Checking in...doing ok. Rough several days with the nervous breakdown of a friend who can't see he is fragmenting...

Many triggers for me.

I have to be careful sometimes how close I let myself get, just because I get too close in my inner man, and it stirs up too much.

I have a theory that many survivors verge on being empaths.

I sometimes have dreams about what others go through.

It is a reality check for me not to be callous.

I repeat, I hate the voice of suicide whispering in the ears of wounded people.

Sometimes we reach toxic overload and just need to find a quiet place.

I apologize profoundly to anyone I have hurt or disappointed on here....never my intention.

The deepest wounds I think for me besides betrayal, are shame and regret. The things that helped me make it through these years is that almost 100% of my family relationships when I was a kid, outside of my home, were very positive and reassuring. I am thankful for this.

Peace to every storm,

VAC

wolfspirit
Member
Posts: 1034
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm

Re: still going on

Post by wolfspirit » Sun Jul 15, 2018 5:51 am

VAC,
Thank you for sharing so much of your wisdom gained through such painful experiences.
Empaths are definitely part of the survivor family. I am one, myself.
It's why I can't be in crowds. Traffic is hard. Grocery lines. I'm so raw all of the time.
And I know that's why I fall so deeply, too.
The extreme emotions call my name.

I hope your friend will stabilize soon. That is a hard place to be and I know you want to relieve that pain.
Tell me if you will, how do you keep yourself grounded in your own energy and reality?
My T is trying to help me set those boundaries. Not the physical ones. The empathic ones.
Like when I'm walking into the store and I see a group of three people crossing my path and can FEEL the angry energy they exude. Like a lightning storm around them. So frightening and repulsive.
I just walked away from them and let them get some distance from me. Then I could do my shopping.
Happens every time I am in the public environment.

I've had people tell me it is a "gift". Its a gift I don't know what to do with.

peace

ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi

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