The Shed

[IntoTheLight]

It’s icy cold in this place…a tiny frame huddled in the corner on a dusty, splintered, wooden floor. Nails push into her spine like long gnarled fingers as she presses herself backwards, against the old wooden work-bench, trying to get away from herself. The air is damp and musty, it’s black all around…except for slivers of hazy light slicing through the cracks in the wooden floorboard.
She’s not supposed to be in this room…
It’s a forbidden place…
So why is she here?
She’s trembling, squeezing her eyes shut, tightening into a little ball…waiting...She remembers this place, She’s been here before. He said there was a gift waiting in here for her, or did she dream that? A sickening cold dread creeps up into her chest and throat, and grows tighter with each breath she takes in. Her chest has a cable tie around it, each time she inhales; her lungs meet the resistance of the invisible plastic strip around her. Miniscule beads of sweat slide down her little face, and her clenched fists and toes scrunch up into an even tighter knot, almost in cramp. She wants to get out of here, she wants to run…but she cant move, her limbs wont do what she wants them to do…frozen…her body refuses to submit to her will…the realisation of what’s happening comes back. It’s sucking her in…again!!!! Her heart thuds loudly in her chest!! She waits…He will give her instructions and she will comply…she’s confused, she’s scared…she desperately wants to cry, tears sting her eyes, but she blinks them away…she cant cry, “only babies cry”, and if she dares cry, he will “give her something to cry about” or “he will make the bad people come and take her away”… she believes him. She is silent, holding onto the tiny amount of breath that she has left in her and she wills it to end…

She is invisible...4 years old.

I sit bolt upright, wet with perspiration, my p-jays stuck to my chest and my back. My heart is pounding even though there is nothing out there in the dark, beyond the edge of my bed. I sit up, trying to catch my breath and calm myself down as quietly as I can, for fear of waking my husband. I lie back down, shaking, and curl up into a little ball in my bed, burying my face in my feather pillow trying to control the sobs that want to escape…the familiar warm water trickles down my cheeks and into my pillows. I suck in my breath silently…the tears wont go away, they get heavier and heavier and I realise that I have to get to the bathroom before I throw up. I scurry across the wooden floor through the dark, like there is something after me. Once I’m out the room, I reach out and frantically press down on every switch my finger touches.
LIGHT…I like the light…the light is safe…I breathe easier as I make my way to the bathroom. I sink down onto my bum and curl up in the corner on the bathroom floor and the tears come…it’s not a dream anymore. It’s my reality…and I wish I could just go away…for ever!

[earthhorse]

I have shed memories too IntoTheLight... I also remember things very young.

You can be so proud of your feelings and how in touch you are with your little self. I am so sorry she experienced so much dread, and suffering. That you have to meet her experiences this way. That you suffer so much now.

Please hold on through those feelings of needing to end it all, the horror can end and life can continue and become safer better more whole. Healing is a crucible.

Love,
EH