A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

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Sadmike
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Re: A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

Post by Sadmike » Sat Feb 14, 2015 5:43 am

I feel bad for disappearing for a while, but it had nothing to do with you guys! The Holidays were tough and I needed some air. Writing on here is actually pretty tough so it was the one/only thing in my life that I could take a break from. There were many nights that I thought I should check in but it felt stressful so I figured the next night would be better, and so on..... So I apologize for just falling off the board.

Here's kind of an update: It has been an interesting time since my last post. About 2 weeks after Christmas I forwarded an email to Sue and she replied with "How are you doing". That ended into a phone call and a movie together. At the movies she said she has seen 6 movies in the last week (by herself). So I asked if she already saw this one and she said she knew I wanted to see it so she would wait. After the movie we talked at dinner for about 2 hours. She said one thing for the first time since she left, she said she misses me. I told her I got my plane ticket and she said she saw the cc charge... I said I hear that she doesn't want to go as she thinks it leads me on thinking it means she's coming home. So I told her that it's not true, I just love being around her and that she deserves the trip as she works so hard. She brightened up and said she would go. She said she saw that I ordered a book. It actually came in just before I left to see her. It's Survivors & Partners: Healing the Relationships of Sexual Abuse Survivors... I told her I just got it. I can't remember the rest of the conversation, but it was based on what is happening and trying to understand it. I left there feeling really good.

The next day I read the book. WOW! It described not only what I believe she is going through but it knew what I have been going through for the past 10 years. The chapters on denial and running away was scary exact. I don't like reading, never have, but I spent 4 hours on it as it amazed me as I read about our life. Then I finished it the next morning as I read slow. I was excited that this was so close to our story that she should read it. Note, the parts about the Partner being mean or not understanding were the only things that aren't me.

A few days later we met for a minute to give her the Mail on her way to her group therapy. So I gave her the book and said it was basically our story and the running away described what she told me, how she did it, and how she lives, to the letter.

Now with the big trip to plan along with another 9 day trip a couple of weeks prior to the big trip, we have started to see each other more. She still says she misses me and when we part she's back to saying that she loves me. At one time together she said she is wondering about her therapist! It has been a year and a half and she feels it is going nowhere. She says that the therapist just keeps asking about work and it never goes anywhere. The therapists also has asked to meet once a week instead of every other week, so Sue actually said she thinks it's about the money. I said that if this was cancer that we would get quite a few doctors diagnosis's. So I think she might be getting near the end of this useless lady that still has Sue reading a book and workbook based on just changing your life, and ignoring the undisputed CSA/trauma. I didn't bring up the book to see what she thought. I figured she would when she was ready...

A few days ago I had to drive down to her to get some tax papers signed so she called and asked if I wanted to do dinner and a movie... We didn't talk a word about this stuff, just had a nice time together. I know this is a roller coaster ride and will be a long process, but I feel that she might start facing/understanding what the cause of her unhappiness is. I don't know if it's right, wrong, or selfish to be with her for the big trip, but I'm excited to be able to spend 2 1/2 weeks with her driving through Europe. I'm happy to see her happy.

Since I type so slow, it's now Valentines Day, the day I proposed with a big street sign. We're getting together for a funeral!!! It will be interesting to see how she treats the day, talk about a mixed emotion day... I'm back, and again, sorry for the sudden flight.

NotasSadMike

mustard seed
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Re: A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

Post by mustard seed » Sat Feb 14, 2015 11:17 am

Oh Mike,
(can I just call you Mike? :D one day your sad, another day not sad, there will be other days: ecstatic mike, frustrated mike, joyful mike-just mike makes it easier for me, lol)

Thank you, thank you. What an excellent report! So very very happy for you.
Whew :P

Great going, think I'm going to order that book.
Your like a woman whisperer instead of a horse whisperer.
Relax, take care of you-that's number one. Like putting your own oxygen mask on before helping others. Then you will have everything you need to proceed.
If you let something go and it comes back to you, it's yours, forget who said that but true.

She has a lot to learn and a lot to go through, that's why you need to be in health, she will need your strength, your patience, your gentleness, your understanding and your love. A tall order for you, but harder for her in reality.

I wish all men were like you Mike, you took the lumps I gave you; thanks for the trust, there was wisdom in that. I shall be rooting for you both. This is the report I was hoping and praying to hear. You have brought joy to my heart today. Happy valentine's day, Mike and BRAVO!,

With caring and respect,
ms

Sheep
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Re: A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

Post by Sheep » Sat Feb 14, 2015 2:46 pm

SadMike,

Ahh, so we did not totally scare you away! lol I'm happy for you that the book you picked up is helping you understand a bit of what you and your wife are experiencing. Just remember, we cannot be 'fixed' and the healing process cannot be rushed. :) Moments of hope give us a time to catch our breath (as this healing from trauma and abuse can be exhausting)! Keep working on yourself as well...I cannot express that enough. For my ex, he wanted things to go back 'to the way they were'. And that was never to be - ever. So, the death of the relationship we once knew went away, got buried, and on life goes. Trust is a difficult thing for many of us survivors, and in order to trust someone they need to be a trustworthy person. With all the compulsive lies my ex fed me year after year after year, it broke the trust in our marriage down to zero - hard to rebuild from ground zero. Enjoy your trip, be safe, and give Sue the space when she needs it ok?

Cheering you on,

Sheep

Sadmike
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Joined: Mon Nov 24, 2014 2:33 pm

Re: A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

Post by Sadmike » Tue Feb 17, 2015 4:28 am

If things keep going in this direction, you guys can call me whatever you want. I appreciate hearing from you!

I was nervous about Valentines Day as last year she was very cold. I figured this would be a good measure of how she's feeling now towards me. We met at our accountants office for tax stuff. We got there separately early and she sat in my car with me. I gave her a Valentine card/candy and she asked if it would make her cry. I said it just says everything that she already knows on how I feel about her (honestly the most perfect card). She read it and cried.... A hug/kiss and mutual "I love you". Then she gave me a card (no card last year) and some heart candy. I asked her if it would make me cry, he he he... It was a comical card but what I really got from it was that she put my name and her name as our "pet" names that she would not use or say for the past 2 years, and then signed it with "Love you". Things seemed great, but then in to the accountant office. He knows what is happening and was even the DJ and great friend at our wedding! The discussion was whether to roll over the refunds to put towards my SS since my income hasn't been very big the last few years. Since it's really her refund it was up to her.......... She said sure let's do that. She wouldn't have said that a year ago. That was a future and caring move she made. Then off to a friends memorial. What a day of every emotion.

I know there is a lot of healing ahead and it won't be like it was before... I'm not kidding myself with rainbows and perfect sunsets. But I'm really hopeful that she is past the denial, starts to heal, and comes home when she is ready. I never thought I could love her more than I did (impossible), but being a part for so long has changed that. I know she's feeling something as well, I just hope those feelings are now more powerful than the therapists thoughts/direction. So, I'll take it slow and plan on having a great time with her on these trips. The next few months will be very interesting and telling! But I know this is a roller coaster, so I'm ready for the possibility of the next dive.

Note on the book I read... What made it so powerful is that it's all about where you are and how you got there. It doesn't get into treatment, it doesn't try to heal you, it just lets you know that if you are a survivor that what you're going though is normal. Most importantly at least for me is that it shows the importance of a good partner for healing. The scary part is when it says that the longer someone is in denial that the harder it will be to break out of it, and some never do. Yet her therapist kept her there for a year and a half. It's a small paperback book that I wished I read a year and a half ago. Sue asked her about the book and she said if it helps Mike then it's good for him... This lady is a nut.

Thanks for your support and advise!
Mike

mustard seed
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Re: A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

Post by mustard seed » Tue Feb 17, 2015 11:48 am

Mike
Don't worry about the nut, Sue is smart and will drop he nut when it becomes clear to her to do so.
Also, she may not be a total nut, just allowing Sue to realize that you need help navigating yourself.
Whenever I've taught anything, its always progressive. We learn to crawl before we learn to walk.

Pet names on the card! Wow. :D :D :D
Of course she would sign love you-she does you know. Read back, I know I saw that earlier in this thread.

Great going Mike, keep up the research privately; let her ask you first before sharing what you've learned or read.
I would start privately researching a trauma specialist in your area. One that counsels couples and separately just to have in your back pocket for someday.

Don't worry about the length of denial. I was nearly three decades minimizing and denying myself but when I was able to make a conscious decision to heal-when I was ready-the process was/is shorter and will be so much easier for sue with support from a spouse.

Have a great trip Mike and the book is right, the issues of today are enough to deal with.
Rooting for you both,
ms

the husband
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Re: A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

Post by the husband » Wed Feb 18, 2015 12:09 am

Great to hear from you, Sadmike. Do you think it was helpful that she saw that you were doing your own research?

Sadmike
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Re: A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

Post by Sadmike » Thu Feb 19, 2015 4:49 am

She knows I started researching CSA when I Googled it about a year and a half ago to find that it answered so many things/questions about our relationship. I read everything I could on the web until it just started to repeat itself. Then I came to the forum to get real life advice (best thing I have done). While this was my first book (it's small), I think the real change came from her staying completely away from me over the holidays while wondering why she is not happier after the year and a half of therapy (with no happiness in site going down that road). I guess that could be considered hitting rock bottom? If that was the therapist plan, she's brilliant (but let me in on it), but if it wasn't, she should retire and stop harming people...

I contacted her today about swapping cars tomorrow (I worked on hers) and it ended with she gets off early (scheduled) and we'll do a movie, dinner, and then a dance class (used to do this a lot together). Either she just needs a friend or she's realizing what we are together. Either way I'll go along and hope that she starts to figure it out. I'll also stay away from talking about this unless she wants to. Our 7 day trip is in April and the big trip is in May, so I should be seeing more of her as we get everything planned.

I will research an area specialists as suggested for when she's ready to drop hers.... I know so much more now than when we chose the last one, I will be explaining the situation and asking many questions to see if they are right for us.

Thanks again for the advise and support! Things are definitely looking up.
Mike

Mike

mustard seed
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Re: A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

Post by mustard seed » Thu Feb 19, 2015 10:21 am

Interesting therapy approach Mike but I was wondering if such was going on. She probably couldn't let you in on the plan earlier but you may wish to speak privately with her to let her know what she put you through.

The plan worked for Sue which I can respect because so many of them coddle us along, not good either. At some point adult survivors of CSA must take responsibility for our healing, it's the only way we can make progress. It's very difficult because our brains are wired to minimize and deny, etc...

Your plan is great, Sue will need a friend first and who knows her better than you? It will grow from there at her pace.
Keep well friend,
The day may come that you won't need us here but Sue may, it's a great resource to add to the back pocket.
Thank you Mike for your husband's heart,
it's so worthy of honor and respect,
ms

Flicker
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Re: A 30-year GREAT marriage falling apart due to wife’s CSA

Post by Flicker » Fri Feb 20, 2015 3:34 am

Mike,.
I just started reading this thread, and I could not stop. I really feel for all that you are going through, and I admire how strong you are. You really seem like you love and support Sue, and are trying to do what she needs. You really sound so amazing! I hope you are taking good care of yourself, and finding ways to understand your own needs...in-order to get those meet as well.

When my CSA box was opened, I hit rock bottom, and my entire world...past and present changed in a very short time. I have been healing for 2 years, but my marriage of 19 years was on the brink of end during that time. For me, I learned a lot about myself and my marital interactions, and I got scared of the life I created and lived based on my word as a CSA survivor. Therapy taught me how many of my choices would have possibly been different had I not been traumatized, and then suddenly, I wanted that person...that "not traumatized person." That meant different marital circumstances, and being treated by my husband (who ever that ended up being) differently. I was struggling so hard and I was willing to do whatever it took to have the marital life I would have had, had I not been sexually abused.

I told my husband he needed to get therapy on his own for how he treated me or I was leaving. He went to therapy for 6 months on his own, and our lives have improved drastically. It has been a year since he was in therapy, and the behavioral changes we have both made have turned out to be very healing for us both. I can not imagine being without him now...he is my biggest support in so many ways. But, there was that time when I was scared of the life I created for myself based on trauma, and I NEEDED a do over.

I hope my story brings you some peace, and I hope you see how strong you really are. Through all of this, I wish for you support from someone who can be there through all of this confusing and rocky road. You deserve that too. A therapist is one way to get that.

Glimpse

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