Back, I think?

[rodeo]

I need to rant to scream & I have nowhere to do it. I'm going to let go so please forgive.

I am so sick of dealing with all of this. I've done all I can. Even seeing the T on my own & he tells me I've bent over backwards to be supportive & understanding through this & all I get from my W is I don't understand? OK h

try this on for size:
1 Go to therapy
2 Address your issues
3 Treat you spouse like they exist for anything other than providing you with money to live selfishly and do want you want.
4 Make up your mind! Is the marriage more important than your selfishness? If not tell me! I'll give you the papers tomorrow.
5 Understand that I can only take so much & I'm breaking..... along with the broken heart I already have.
6 Understand that you are doing EXACTLY what your parents did and destroying not only our relationship & marriage but the one with your child as well & quickly.
7 Understand that this behavior is not acceptable PERIOD.
8 Go or stay but now is the time to either do or don't.

Thx if you got this far, I had hoped my return would have been with joyous news but alas not.

It has been since Feb since she went to T. Of course according to her there is a million excuses as to why not. I met with the T for myself and in his words I have done everything and more. He said he couldn't even find a "give one more for the gipper speech" to try to keep me hanging on. I'm heartbroke that everything I've done & the work I've been doing on myself is for naught for the marriage. I've had breakthroughs for myself but I guess the saying is true. Id she doesn't want it for herself then she just doesn't want it.

I draw the line when my child tells me he doesn't love his mother and on a differnt occasion tells me he doesn't like his mother. Numerous times, and when they are not at odds with one another. She just blows it off and says he being a child. Enough is enough emotion abuse is still abuse even if she doesn't want to see it or address it.

I know I've blown up before but this is her last chance. I will not let my child be damaged because of her lack of ability to face her fears and address the issues that affect her parenting skills. If it was sexual in nature I can deal but this has pushed me past my compassion level.

She has been told either to address & adjust immediatly, permanentaly, or she will be told to find somewhere else to live. If I have to go to that extreme this relationship/marriage is over. I feel it already is and she wants me to be the one to file, the whole time telling me I (she) wanst to make this marriage to work. Well if thats the case it should be priority one. I shouldn't be hearing I don't want to do that if a suggestion is made, not doing therapy assignments for us as a couple. Spending time doing everythimg that she wants to do and filling up every minute with everything else so she doesn't have to be a mother, partner, friend or wife.

If you are a survivor and have some encouragment I would really be interested in what you all have to say. I have not pushed her, I've worked on my issuses, I've been a rock to her. The T even told me that it may take her being seperated to realize that these issues are hers to deal with and to stop placing them everywhere but where they belong, with her. I don't want that because if that happens I will not look back.

Is there anyway to reach her....

lost and heartbroken

Rodeo

[Jonesy]

Hi rodeo

Although it is really good to hear from you, I am so sorry it is with such news. I hope you get some useful feedback here soon.

[sparrow130]

Hi rodeo,
I'm sorry you are at your breaking point. I haven't met you before and I don't understand your situation; but I understand the frustration, despair and hopelessness you are feeling. I've seen it and been there on many levels myself. I'll share some of mine and hope that it may help. This may be kind of long.
I lived w/my husband for four years before we got married and we were married for 26 years. We both came to the marriage w/baggage. I was sa/pa/ea and came to my relationship w/my husband in look of escape. He came from a very dysfunctional fam. w/mother rejection issues and possibly some sa in his background. He was an alcoholic and a pain med. addict. He was in rehabs on many ocassions and we tried counseling. It never worked. He didn't want to do the work, just wanted it all to go away. He had no relationship w/his children and when he did communicate w/them it was very critical. I had always hoped that one day things would be better...I comforted myself w/the belief that the best was yet to come. Unfortunately, in the waiting on that to happen, my children were suffering for lack of a father. The end for me came when my daughter tried to commit suicide. My other daughter is annorexic. After my daughter tried to kill herself, I told him he needed to leave and work on his stuff so that I could focus on my children. They couldn't take anymore. It was very hard for me to tell him to leave. I didn't want to abandon him as his mother had. But I could no longer put his needs above my children. He didn't and hasn't worked on his issues yet. I had to file for divorce this past year, which is something I never wanted to do. He has not provided for his children at all in this past year. I have wondered if the damage he suffered as a child is just so great that maybe he is not capable of dealing w/any of it. Either that, or he is just selfish and stuck in his selfish state and wants only to live in a numbed out state. I am sad for him, but he has abandoned his wife and his own children. People look at my children and wonder how any man could not want to be a part of his children's lives. I guess he has not hit his bottom, or maybe he has??? I guess when you hit bottom you have two choices...to work or to stay there forever. I still wonder at times if I did enough, but I know that he has a part too. My children have been at their breaking point and this past year has been hard for them. My adult children have had to pick up responsibilities that their father should have taken. They have seen me struggle through my own issues w/sa/pa/ea and I know I frustrate them. My daughter tells me that she feels like she also lost her mother. These past couple of years as I have worked on my own issues, I tend to retreat into my shell and they see this as me not working. Recovering from sa is a long and insiduous road. So even if one is working (very hard), the whole process can seem painfully hopeless at times. I know I have made progress, but my children can't always see that and I know for them it is hard. But I will keep doing the work I need to.
I think that if you are at this point, it is ok to put up some boundaries to protect your heart and your child. Sounds like your w has some decisions to make and giving her space away to make that decision is good. I guess you have to decide if you are willing to wait for her to make that choice. You say

The T even told me that it may take her being seperated to realize that these issues are hers to deal with and to stop placing them everywhere but where they belong, with her. I don't want that because if that happens I will not look back.

Does that mean if she separates to make that decision that you will give up or that if you separate and she decides not to address issues that you won't look back? (not sure there) If when, my husband left and he did start to really work on his issues and ours, I would have worked w/him and allowed him to come back after much time and proof that he was making steady progress towards that goal. It has been four years now since he left and he has not worked at all. I think I have given him a fairly long amount of time there. So now, I am trying not to look back and move forward. Hope dies hard for me and I had hope for so many years.

Don't know if any of this helps or not. It is a tough place that you are in and unfortunately there are often in life no easy answers. I had lots of advice over the years, and I look back and wonder did I try for too long? I may never know the answers to a lot of this. I only knew to keep walking and working myself and if I hadn't had children in the midst of all this turmoil, I would prob. still be in there trying. But I know I had to put their needs up higher than his.
It's ok to take care of yourself and your child. Doesn't mean you don't love and care for your w. Sometimes the most caring thing we can do is to let them make that decision and face their issues (or not).
I hope that things can become clear for you and that you find some peace and resolution in everything you are going through.
sparrow

[Nazdaq]

Hi Rodeo,
your T is right about being separated, in my opinion, as a survivor of EA myself I have issues and I am now temporarily on a break from my boyfriend after I went through a new trauma and it brought up old stuff, leading me to be clingy and demanding etc. which wasn't fair on him. So I am trying to keep away from him and work on myself. It's hard to concentrate when all I do is miss him though. Double-edged sword.

Not sure if being separated would be the final nail in the coffin for you guys or it might put some perspective on it for your W.
Re: your child, I WISH my dad had been this strict with my mother about her issues. I wouldn't be the messed-up carbon copy of her that I am today if he had made her address her issues.
The difference is I am aware of my issues and I am trying to address them now, before I get in too deep into a relationship or bring any kids into the world. They say if you worry about being a good parent, you will be one.

(((hugs))) for you, if OK, Rodeo?
It is good that you have discovered some things about yourself from going to T. It isn't wasted time, it's made you a better person.
Walking away could be a new beginning, for both of you. The relationship sounds damaging for you too. She might finally address her problems once she hits the "rock bottom" of getting a divorce. Just a thought.

[ladysslipper]

Going to t is only successful when a person is really ready for it. It is not something you can force on someone and expect it to work. I know that there was a time when I tried to see a t about my abuse but mentally I was not ready. Needless to say it did not work for me at all.
If you have given everything you have to try and make the marriage work and your spouse has not then you do have a tuff decision to make. For a marriage to work it takes both of you to be willing to work to together. I do not hear that from you at all.
As far as your son goes he should be your number one priority.

I draw the line when my child tells me he doesn't love his mother and on a differnt occasion tells me he doesn't like his mother. Numerous times, and when they are not at odds with one another. She just blows it off and says he being a child. Enough is enough emotion abuse is still abuse even if she doesn't want to see it or address it.

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as PA or SA if not more. As a parent it is your job to do what you can to protect your child from all forms of abuse. I have had a much harder time overcoming the emotional abuse then I have the SA I endured.

Her going to t is only going to be benaficial if she wants it to be and it sounds to me like she really has no desire to change or work on the hard issues.

[the husband]

Hi rodeo

It's good to hear from you, though I regret that the news isn't good.

I have nothing to encourage you to stay in your relationship. It sounds as if you have done everything you can do, but you can't do it all. Perhaps splitting up would be the thing to do. I agree that your child is the top-priority.

[coast]

rodeo!
is it really you?
i have missed you a whole lot, but so sorry to read your news
look after your boy - it sounds like he needs his dad
sending a hug your way

[rodeo]

Here and have read replies. Not in a good place but wanted to say thx to my isurvie family. I'll try to fill in details tomorrow. Staying, still loving her but dying inside.

Rodeo

[sparrow130]

Glad to hear some news from you Rodeo, even if it is what it is. Its such a long road and such a rough journey. You have been on my mind much this past week. My heart goes out to you.
sparrow

[rodeo]

Hey all,

Posted I thought but lost it. Thanks for the kind words. Currently away from home on business ! Good for finances & seems to be doing some good for the two of us as well. Will be a tough week next week considering I know I will be going home at the end of it. I hope things continue to improve. Will try to add more later, need sleep after driving 700 miles today.

Night all,
Rodeo