Hi, Im new here. My 14 yo dtr told me last night of SA that occured 4 yrs ago, by her then 14 yo brother. I supported her fully and just listened, telling her she did nothing wrong, and that what her brother did is wrong. We are a loving, close, I would say pretty high functioning. Brother is now 19 and at college, in a town far away. I called counselors and am trying to set up an appt asap. DETAILS here He did not show himself to her, but made her undress and touched her. I have spent the last 18 hrs ordering books off amazon and reading everything I can. I didnt press her. I did make her tell me though....I knew she had a heaviness for months, but did not push her to tell me. Last night I finally did. I would just like to know from survivors what else I can do. I definitely need more info from her, and would like to ask her permission to talk to her brother. I love him too, but what he did was wrong. I just need advice on how I can best help both my children. I realize I will have to report him, in case there are future incidences..Im just so sad and hurt (for both my dtr and son) and lost. I look forward to any and all feedback on how to proceed to minimize the damage to my dtr, and how to approach my son. He was supposed to come home for Thanksgiving, but I plan on that being my daughters decision. Incidentally, since he moved out, they have gotten along very well.
Thank you,
hi mom of siblings,
very sorry to hear of this very distressing situation.
i would strongly suggest that you consult with a psychologist who is familiar with these issues. this is a very complicated and very upsetting situation for you and your children. i can understand how terrible it must be, i am a mom of two young adults 21 and 18.
it is good you are buying books and reaching out here. i think it is critical though to get professional help for you and your daughter and probably your son too. is there a dad in the picture? if so, he should be involved in the treatment too.
anyway, this is just my opinion and thoughts. wishing you the best.
recover
Hello Recover,
Hello Recover,
Thank you for reaching out. My hubs left several messages for counselors, and havent found one yet that specializes in what we need. I asked her today if we could talk about it a bit more, and she wasnt ready. Havent talked to our son yet. I know I need her permission to continue to have her trust. This is a nightmare. While I have been reading everything I can, I still feel so helpless and devastated. Id like to thank everyone here for their posts. She's a low profile kind of girl, so Im just trying to be the same I have been everyday of her life, but inside I want to scream and rage and cry. Im not sure if hiding this will help or hurt her in the long run, but for now, Im trying to do it her way. I admit Ive been trying to understand through posts on this forum. You guys are a fabulous community. Thank you for your stories and insights.
You loved, you believed, you supported.
Painful as this is, take small comfort in the fact your daughter confided in you. It tells me you are a wonderful mum.
You have started well in dealing with the here and now, and I hope you get professional help very soon. Your daughter will need to process what happened and deal with the associated feelings. You may wish to consider contacting her school so that they are alert to any issues which may already be causing concern regarding her studies, friendships, attendance, etc.
My heart goes out to you, and yours. Tough times are ahead and we will be here to support you.
Hi mom of siblings,
Being heard and believed is huge. I know a lot of us here never had that. The love and support you are giving your daughter will go a long way, but I agree that professional help is needed. You are doing great. It's good that your daughter has you to love and support her. It's also good that you are here. You need support, too, and you will definitely find some of that here.
The biggest thing you have done already....love and support. Reassure your daughter she does not need to feel guilty. This kind of burden and revelation is a relief, but stirs up sorrow for "upsetting" things.
I read over the posts....one of three responses from your son possible: extreme remorse, denial, or "it wasn't that big a deal". In no way allow your daughter to carry the ball with this, but do not allow this to be understated. They both will recover.
Also make this a family affair with you and your children....I did not catch if their father was present (my bad if he is). This is your time to shine as a parent. Love both your children. Be very disappointed but supportive with your son. He needs to see that his sister trusted him and that he has scarred her future. That you want him to know it was not ok in any capacity, but that you want him to be a better man. Let him be sorrowful, but do not withdraw love from him.
Don't take any guff from him or anyone else about this.
Your daughter must be allowed to express herself in this and if she goes through a stage she is not comfortable with her brother's presence, accept it. Let this be at her pace, and not in any desire of yours to "fix this". Do not accept any T or counsel you are not comfortable with for your daughter....I don't think this is the time to "take what you can get" because of the urgency of the moment.
Make sure your daughter is stable....let her be a kid again if she needs to be. Hug her often, tell her you love her, make her know she will be whole and beautiful woman. Make sure she is not quietly depressed or in desperation of her life. You have a trusting relationship with her. This is one of those times for the rest of her life she will look back and remember you in all the right ways.
I believe your son will be vulnerable to you as well. Talk to him and visit him if need be: speak openly with him. It will hasten the process. Let me encourage you as a parent.....our daughter was molested for years under our noses by a family member we trusted. It was a big battle for my wife and I....she had recall in 2010. I had to face more sorrow than I thought was possible, but have come to the knowledge I did not fail my child as a father.
You did not fail your daughter either, or your son. This is not something we are programmed to expect. Apologize to her for not being there at that moment as this may be something she needs to hear, but she knows this was a blindside.
I died.....several times.
But I came back.....part of the resilience I drew from was the knowledge that my child needed me more than I needed to be upset. You are a smart and resourceful mom....kudos for your no-nonsense approach. Your kids are both blessed to have you. Our faith was also a big part of this. We had the support of a few very close friends, our family doctor, one another, and a good faith-based T. My family was all dead, my wife's functionally insane, so family other than us was not involved. Your girl does need some grace and dignity in this process. Let her privacy be a top priority for her...let her be her own spokesman.
Never, never, NEVER allow anyone to belittle her or minimize this experience. You have a take a stand for her recovery, but do not force her into non-related situations she is not presently comfortable with. The same with T...shop if you need to.
Our daughter's perpetrator had died several years prior to her recall.....another story.
I know your heart is broken...even with the sorrow of your post, I get such positive vibes from your words.
This site is a place of love, support, and acceptance. I am so very sorry for what has brought you here, but you are free here.
I'm sorry for the pain and cunfusion you and your family are in. It's so difficult to weed through it all and have some confidence you are doing right by your kids and yourself. With professional help and this forum, I'm confident you will all find your way through your healing.
My son's very young friend molested my daughter when she was 4. Thankfully she was able to tell us. Our family was sent into a chaotic tail spin. At this point I still didn't remember my own abuse as a child.
Eventually DYFUS got involved because our daughter said something at school. That ended up being a gift because DYFUS had an excellent T for our daughter and another for our son who felt terrible about what his best friend did.
Because my kids got professional help, have the love & support of my husband & I, and my daughter was allowed to talk about her molestation freely as she processed it in her way, we watched her healing progress. She got the clear message that it was not her fault and that any positive feelings her body had was just her body responding as it was made to and not because she wanted to be molested.
I believe no matter how your son appears to respond, he is feeling tremendous guilt. Bringing all that happened into the open will be a gift for him because he will have the opportunity to face it and make ammends if he so chooses. He will also need love and support while he deals with his past actions and heals.
My daughter and son are thriving and doing great. Mom of siblings, there is hope that you will all get through this one step at a time.
Thanks to all who have come forward to reach out to mom of siblings, just knowing she is not alone is priceless.
Thank you VAC, for possibly one of the most helpful responses I have ever read here. Thank you for sharing what was undoubtedly a horrendous time for your family. You are a strong man for whom I hold much respect.
He did not show himself to her, but made her undress and touched her. I have spent the last 18 hrs ordering books off amazon and reading everything I can. I didnt press her. I did make her tell me though....I knew she had a heaviness for months, but did not push her to tell me. Last night I finally did. I would just like to know from survivors what else I can do. I definitely need more info from her, and would like to ask her permission to talk to her brother. I love him too, but what he did was wrong. I just need advice on how I can best help both my children. I realize I will have to report him, in case there are future incidences..Im just so sad and hurt (for both my dtr and son) and lost. I look forward to any and all feedback on how to proceed to minimize the damage to my dtr, and how to approach my son. He was supposed to come home for Thanksgiving, but I plan on that being my daughters decision. Incidentally, since he moved out, they have gotten along very well. 
I asked her today if we could talk about it a bit more, and she wasnt ready. Havent talked to our son yet. I know I need her permission to continue to have her trust. This is a nightmare. While I have been reading everything I can, I still feel so helpless and devastated. Id like to thank everyone here for their posts. She's a low profile kind of girl, so Im just trying to be the same I have been everyday of her life, but inside I want to scream and rage and cry. Im not sure if hiding this will help or hurt her in the long run, but for now, Im trying to do it her way. I admit Ive been trying to understand through posts on this forum. You guys are a fabulous community. Thank you for your stories and insights.