The holidays make me hurt a bit now

[BreakingFree]

My sister remembers an abusive situation that occurred with our step father, who raised us. She confronted him and he told her that he was "ill" and they never spoke about it again. Now she wants to be close to him, and still be in relationship with him, and says things like "he isn't kind or thoughtful because that's just the way he is, he can only think about himself, but I have to accept him and love him for that because that's what love is." I, however, cannot live like that. I avoided attending the only long standing tradition we have left with my step father (whom has been divorced from my mother for ten years). It hurt him, my sister, and my step brother. However, I couldn't pretend that everything was okay. My sister told me that I should never bring it up (the abuse), because it's not my business and her and dad have "gotten over" the situation. I can't live like that. But now I feel terrible changing the only christmas tradition we had left with our step father, and thus feeling more alone and separate from my family than ever. I have this every deep sense of grief occurring. I woke up on Christmas Eve in the middle of the night (the day after the day I usually spend with my step father) and I wept and wept. I was weeping in my sleep. I scared my boyfriend, who then told me later that that, "can't happen again." That it was Christmas Eve, I should have been happy (as the evening was positive), and that I had to really work on whatever made me weep. He also felt that I was being ungrateful, and unappreciative of the fact that he had opened up his family and life to me, and I didn't feel quite a part of it yet. (I'm a child of divorce and i'm uber sensitive, plus his family doesn't view people as true members of it unless you are married.) When I wept I did have the feeling that I wanted away from him, or from any Christmas holiday, or anyone who seems normal. People who can spend a lot of time together, hanging out, and recalling past memories. It was simply sickening to me as it only highlighted the ache I have to be able to have that with my own family (though it doesn't ever quite look like that- we meet always on the way to things: we eat out, we don't have a lot of time to hang out, and it can be difficult to schedule anything in advance) It just highlights how much I dont' feel normal, and really have to think hard to find any traditions in my family that are long standing, and truly are appreciative or highlight a real bond between us (as we go to our cousins house every year, and try to feign relationship with them though they have made it clear that they really don't want us in their lives all year around because of the fact my parents divorced, and other bullshit, though my mother thinks it's important to continue to attend because my grandmother appreciates it, though my grandmother has never done anything for my mother other than make her miserable every day of her life). I hate my step father, but I miss who he was at one point (he was a "good" father seemingly for a short time as a child). I hate what he has done to my sister. My sister I can tell hates me too, I feel she unconsciously doesn't trust me or really anyone that is close to her in the family because of what my step dad has done. I hate how this has made me hurt as well. I hate how I'm the only one in my family who is concerned about it, thus making me more alone as I have to mourn, be angry, or deal with by myself. I hate what divorce has done to me, and I hate that I don't feel any real connection, warmth, to a "home" or a place I grew up. I don't know how to be a grown up now and completely focused on my own life that I don't feel like I'm bleeding myself dry when I deal with the pain from my family currently. I wish I could feel nothing,and not care so much just so I could be happy.

[Lydia]

Hi BreakingFree,

The holidays hurt me too, and I think they hurt a lot of survivors. Our foo's current behavior and denial hurt deeply - them interacting with those that hurt us most as if they never did anything wrong and we're supposedly the ones that are to blame.

Not many words right now. I'm raw today (my father SA'd me, too, and my brother allowed him into his home for Christmas). It has helped me to create new traditions with my now family.

Sitting nearby, you're not alone.

Lydia

[HealingHearts]

Hi Breakingfree,

Your words struck many chords with me. I am so sorry you are finding yourself in such a hard and painful place. I think it is important to trust yourself. Boyfriend's response was not sensitive and would have been very hurtful to me but I did not have a wonderful family as he does so maybe I am all off base but I don't think so. In my family, I am the one who has chosen to be NC with the mother. It is very hard. We are making our own traditions in my own family.

Regarding sister -- I don't think she hates you. It is just hard for her to cope with all of this. In time,I think things will improve.

I am getting really tired and wish I could say more but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am sorry that you are going through this.

HealingHearts

[abusewarrior]

BreakingFree:
The dynamics of child abuse is no more acutely felt than around holidays when we have to deal with our absuers in a setting of joy and peace. Before I went NC, I felt paralyzed by the idea that these peoplel who had been in my life and who weren't always bad, would be out of my life for good. Yet, the pain from being with my mother always outweighed the good so I had to make a choice to please everyone else or save myself.
I saved myself, and I have neve been happier and more peaceful around the holidays. It has been 16 years of NC and I do not regret it. I just wanted to give you another perspective to how the holidays can be.
My sister still has a relationship with my FOO as she is daddys little girl. However, since he was an enabler and never protected us, I think that relationship is based more on what SHE wants it to be rather than what it really is. She still suffers from PTSD, health issues, depression and mountains of other coping mechanisms that would take me a day to write out. However, it is her choice to be where she is as she is an adult now. I try to support her the best I can but I have set boundaries with her that lets her know under no uncertain terms that child abuse/neglect is not something to just ignore or forget. You will find your own path, just remember to always honor your own feelings and trust your instincts.
AbuseWarrior