wife = child sexual & emotional abuse survivor - need advice

[Fleur]

Hello Kay727

These ideas are from an all female group who had child abuse/neglect history

Only offered for your consideration

Your positive attitude that you want to stay married is laudable

Remember that it does take two to remain partners

Wooing her as if you were actually courting - re-visit favourite places or activities
Ground rule - must be fun and no talking about marital stuff. This worked well for 2 of our group

Having both separate and couple/family counselling with different therapists helped some of us

No surprises. This is hard to define. Surprises like flowers or other no-strings-attached gifts might be ok. But part of childhood terror might have arisen from the unexpected nature of adult behaviour, so can be big trigger

Be reliable and punctual - as above comment - you want to show her that you are trustworthy. No criticism of you, I do not know you. But bui

[Fleur]

Apologies. Using mobile phone , can be temperamental

Building trust anew and maintaining it is essential. For me, I "tested" spouse without recognising it. He would be asked if he had , for example, posted important documents. He said yes. Finding the mail later at the bottom of his bag was devastating. All of us are fallible humans, so admit when something is overlooked. Phone when you are going to be late. You may very well be the most considerate husband, but your wife is likely to hang on to each time you let her down, particularly when she is feeling vulnerable

Define boundaries. This will be unique to you and wife. You both need to agree when it is ok to talk, be silent, how to call a truce, and so on. Probably best done in writing with a therapist, Pastor, or other respected third person to mediate. One couple went to a Marriage Guidance agency where there was a program for a few couples to share and discuss. Naturally, confidentiality is paramount

Go shopping together. If you both need xyz items or want to buy something to share, this can give you a focus that is less personal

Your wife quite likely does not know what she wants. Evidently at present she needs space and this you have given her

You mentioned you do not know how being apart , not seeing each other, will help get you back together as a couple. Neither do I. However, by sending non-threatening notes, making caring phone calls to let her know you are interested and desire to validate her experiences and convey your love and compassion may help

You probably already know that forgiveness relates to ourselves, not the perpetrator. I started by asking God to forgive my Dad. After a few years, I can talk with him on the phone without panic. Perhaps your wife has faith, perhaps not, but my healing was assisted by accepting that I was helpless as a child, could not stop behaviour. Now I am adult, I am free to choose when or if to allow Dad into my life

Wish you both well