Reassuring vs. Seductive

[Nazdaq]

Hi Husband,
I just wanted to say that when you said how reading what suvivors post on here helps you understand your Wife better, the reverse is true. I have started peeking in on your posts (hope you don't mind?) from time to time as it helps me understand how my boyfriend, J might be processing the recent things that have happened to me...
I hope we can get through this, and reading here has helped me to hope it'll all be OK.
Also I echo what AW said, we truly hate to hurt the ones we love; hurts that they hurt because we hurt...

[the husband]

Hi Nazdaq

Not only do I not mind - I encourage all of us to read each others posts (as able) for just the reasons that we mention here. I'm glad I can be of some help. Initially I was trying to be a constant voice in a quiet forum, and hopefully I would be able to leave a breadcrumb trail for those who are on a similar path as I am - but now I see the value of reading as much as I can here.

I can tell you that it takes me a few days to process some of the things that my wife has told me. It's hardest at first. I know it is hard for her to tell, for all sorts of reasons including not wanting to hurt or "soil" me. I know she tried to only tell me what I need to know, which probably turns out to be less than I actually need.

She had a hard time this weekend - I hope I was reassuring. I didn't creep her out anyway.

[Nazdaq]

I did this with J, tried to protect him from any details about what happened to me. He felt it as a betrayal, like a lie of omission.
Stupid thing to do as it all came tumbling out eventually. We are on a break right now and it's so hard...I'm trying to get on with my life but I can't see myself loving anyone but him for a long time to come.

I hope you and your wife are doing OK.

[ladysslipper]

I had to smile when you said you didnt creep her out. I can only imgine how hard it is for you to be on the other side. Always trying to be so careful as not to trigger her. I think you are a wondrful and caring husband and your wife is lucky to have you.

[freesia]

this is such an interesting discussion - i know the topic of reassurance is a fraught one with my partner as well.

she has a lot of difficulty in reassuring me when i am upset about something, whether i just need her to say she loves me or that i want to hear that something i'm really anxious about is going to turn out ok.

but looking at the other side, i would have said i have a lot of capacity to be reassuring, but she sometimes reacts really negatively to that side of me which i find confusing. so i wonder if this is a hard thing for her too.

thanks for posting this, it's really given me food for thought.

[the husband]

Thanks freesia

My survivor has trouble with reassuring me too. Sometimes, often perhaps, I don't think she actually believes that things will turn out fine. I don't even say that to her unless she asks me to, because at times she is hyper-critical of what is said. For awhile she wouldn't tolerate my saying something along the lines of always being together - because I might die in a car crash or something. Depression is the thief of hope.

[ladysslipper]

Depression is the thief of hope. I never thought about it that way but what you say is so true. Depression does rob me of hope at times and it is hard to see that things will work out in the end. I know in my heart that things do work out but sometimes it just doesnt feel that way.