Feel the need to post here for some advice...

[Nazdaq]

Hi loved ones,
I hope you don't mind me posting here, but I feel I need some advice from those on the other side of the coin.
I am struggling with recovery and healing at the moment and part of the reason I keep taking one step forward then several back is my efforts to try to connect with other people.
I find it hard to make and keep friends and struggle with relationships too. It seems when people find out about all my "stuff" they just think that they are going to screw me up even more then I already am. That I am a child and I need treating with kid gloves.
Actually the opposite is true: I am amazingly strong and I am a survivor. But they don't see it this way.
As a result of being hurt several times by getting close to people then having them pull away from me, I am now very cynical about relationships of any kind. I find myself isolating before anyone else has a chance to hurt me.
Now my question is: why do they do this?? Is there anything I can do (apart from be me and be honest which I am doing) to make them not pull away??
*sigh*

[Silent]

Sorry Nazdeq it sounds hard.


I don't know any details of course but thought I would put a few questions out for you to consider.

When you tell them do you tell them in a way that makes it clear you are just sharing rather than wanting solutions or fixing from them. If you want your independence and strength to be understood then I think that could help a lot.

What type of people are you gravitating towards. Are they controlling or arrogant or maybe caretaking in the way they deal with others.

Are you able to tell them early on in the relationship if they start babying you.

When you share with people do you first evaluate if they are likely to be safe to share to.

Does the pattern of the way you react with these people look very much like relationships at home with a parent.

When they start babying you then how do you react and can you you identify it early on. Are you able to be calmly assertive and explain. Do you get angry or aggressive and lash out. Do you get helpless and hurt and get them to mother you more.

Hope that helps in some way. It is brave to loo at patterns in relationships.

[Nazdaq]

That does help, yes.
Yes I am learning to share in a way that makes it clear I don't need "fixing".
I know for sure that I gravitate towards arrogant and controlling men, I'm working on this.
Yes this reminds me of the relationship I have with my parents. I can identify this though, and yes I do have a tendancy to lash out/get defensive and I'm working on this too. I also have a tendancy to isolate and just distance myself from someone once I recognise this familiar relationship pattern. I am working on this too, the most recent man I have in my life that I have done this with I am working hard to still keep as a friend to break the old patterns and show myself it's not all black and white (BPD trait)
Yes I am getting better at figuring out who is safe to share with. But part of me feels like I shouldn't have to hide who I am from those that are "unsafe"..
Thanks, silent!

[Silent]

Wow. You have much insight already so in many ways you are probably half way there.
It sounds like you have BDP so it is helpful to know that too as you can watch out for the patterns.

I have realised that as I feel more stable in who I am myself that I feel less need to prove who I am to others. I dont overshare when it is unsafe to and have the opposite tendencies but it is worthwhile thinking about that maybe. If you ground yourself in who you are when you feel that you are not being authentic then it might take some of that need away. Its all about careful consideration of steps we take so that we are aware of which direction we are going in I think.

Did you ever do DBT? I found it really helpful. There are ways of evaluating relationship/interpersonal steps before one takes them.

[Nazdaq]

No I haven't done any DBT, but I have been told so many times about it and that it might help me..

[Harmony]

Glad to see your name posting Naz,

This is not my forum but I wanted to comment for you. It could be that people who see acknowledged abuse survivors such as yourself. and are watching for "it" to show. Sometimes being someone identified with a problem or history even one not of your own misunderstand. Well meaning people may use kid gloves to avoid adding your problems or woes. That is not help and sounds at times hurtful.

Remember sometimes survivors in all fairness re-injure ourselves by repeating our abuse in an attempt at mastering it and overcoming it. People see that re-injuring behavior as proof of our fragility. That it is not. It may not be healthy but it is not fragility.

Survivors are stronger than some people without trauma background. However the vast number of trauma survivors out there do not know about their own trauma due to memory issues. So some of these self identified "normal" people may not be so. In fact they be having their own unprocessed trauma reflected back at them by those who have acknowledged themselves as survivors.

We survivors are strong and healthier for the acknowledgement of what has happened in our lives. Those who have not taken a look in the mirror at themselves and their lives are not as strong.

Thrive strong and healthy survivors,

Harmony

[abusewarrior]

Hi Naz:
I know that I can almost pinpoint what kind of man or friend my sisters who grew up in the same abusive household as me are going to gravitate towards. One likes the bad boy and the other likes someone who is passive aggressive. Each of these roles were roles my dad was not. He was an enabler who was weak. (I went for uber healthy and solid because I watched them trip over their feet with these same types of men all of my life. Thankfully I was observant and the youngest.)
Can you find a common denominator between each of these men? Did they pull away at certain things? Maybe the answer lies in finding what made them believe you were fragile? Do you project your frailty and not mean to?
I don't have any advice, just my own experiences with my sisters. However, I do know that you are working hard to be healthy. Maybe for the first time, you are actually seeing what you never saw before and it is a great start to finding what you really need in your relations with potential dates.
Good luck,
AbuseWarrior

[Nazdaq]

Thanks AW and Harmony, you have certainly given me food for thought..

[englishrose]

hi.

i was wondering if these people just are so wrapped up in their own lifes they may feel they do not need anymore issues in their lifes when you tell them about you. this is just them being selfish.
people seem to have so little time these days maybe they think you will be 'too much hassel'
also i wonder if you yourself mat be unconciously sabotageing relationships get rid of them before they hurt you. kind of thing
whenever i mension anything to do with my healing to my husband he looks at me with a look of oh no not that. like if i dont talk about it its not there. even those who love you to bits sometines find survivors subjects hard to handle. if they have no experance of what its like its alien to them, i also think some men are a' need to fix it ' people they dont know how to help if they couldnt fix it. guys can be very practical. sometimes they dont understand just being there and listening,
dont give up.
englishrose