I'm a newbie worried about my twin sister.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everybody. I haven't been here for awhile because I keep going back and forth between forgiving my dad (thus feeling silly posting here), and hating him again. Back and forth. Have I forgiven him or not? Is this normal? Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

I very recently tried lovingly to get my sister to see the truth, but she still denies it. We didn't fight about it or anything like that, but we haven't spoken in a couple weeks. She's so incredibly strong. She's legally blind and works long hours, and she's just so incredible. I love her so much.

[MayaSantiago]

I would say yes: it is normal. I struggle with that too. I have this rage building up when all of the sudden I remember something nice my abuser did to me... so I forgive. It is very weird, something I need to bring to attention with my therapist. I lo ve that you love your sister. I'm sure you will find the way to help her.
Take care,
Maya

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I love her because what happened between her and our dad was not her fault. It's never the child's fault - always the adult's fault. He was the adult. She was the child who loved and trusted him. He should have known better. All four of his kids worshipped him. I think that's why it's so hard for me to forgive him, but when I ("do"), I cry and cry and cry, and I thought crying was supposed to be healing, so why do I go back to hating him again?

[MayaSantiago]

Because first you need to cry it all... We have so many years of damage pilled up in our shoulders, that we cannot shake it all off in one single cry.
Wish we could, though.
Take care,
Maya

[Anonymous]

Hi twinsister,
I don't think one can or "should" try to force forgiveness on oneself. There have been a number of conversations and as many approaches that come up from time to time on here about it, but the overall breakdown I think is that it isn't necessary for everyone, and that even if you choose to forgive, it has to be for your own peace surrounding it and not for the abuser. Others can explain it better I'm sure. For me (and I'm not religious but was raised Catholic), I have no need or desire to forgive and have found more peace in just staying my distance from my abusers. Your choice may be different, but no matter which choice I think it is a process, rather than a destination that can be arrived at all at once.

In terms of your sister's denial, she may have blocked out the occurrences, so maybe she doesn't remember them at all as such because they were traumatic enough that she cast them from her mind years ago, coupled with the fact that they were not in concert with what she believed a parent would do. I don't know if I'm describing it well. They could still be there, stored in a part of her memory that she cannot access right now. Sometimes people never access it. Does your sister attend therapy or has she? If she refuses to acknowledge anything at all is amiss, it could be harder for her to regain those memories. I don't know. Again I think the others have covered what I'm trying to say more clearly.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, lonelylife (boy - that sounds like me!) -

No, my sister has never had therapy, but IMO she really needs it bad. I'm being extremely loving to her because we were estranged for 20 yrs over this. We haven't spoken since May 20th. I write to her all the time on my FB page, telling her how much I love her and need her. I don't even know if she's reading them.

I agree with you - you can't force forgiveness. It has to come from YOU, not because somebody said you have to forgive. That's what I told my SIL for years because she said I HAD TO forgive.