A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

A discussion area for anyone who loves a survivor and needs some support of their own.

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the husband
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Mon Jan 11, 2016 7:02 pm

Thanks mustard seed

With the holidays over, your words have been in my ear.

My wife continues to work more than usual, and to head to bed otherwise. She is short-tempered and impatient with the kids. Things left to her don't get done, though she thinks nothing of leaving the kids instructions when she goes off to work and expects me to monitor them. She started one of many needed loads of laundry yesterday morning, then did nothing with it before leaving for work. The piles have been around for a few days, untouched. I completed the several loads all the way through putting away, vacuumed, swept, monitored the kid's bathroom cleaning, fixed a door that was sticking, made dinner for the kids, put them to bed and handled a tricky clerical task for her. When she asked about my day when she got home and I told her all that I had done, was there any appreciation? No. I work far more than she does and I continue to do far more at home. She has talked about getting a cleaning lady in every few weeks, but hasn't done it. Honestly I would be happy if she did some cleaning.

I'll need to speak to her in the next week or so. My goal is to get something done by next week.

the husband
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Posts: 421
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Tue Jan 12, 2016 7:04 am

There was an interesting development today. At dinner my wife told the kids and I that she had begun to read the book that I had suggested to her (and to my employees as well): Crucial Confrontations (or Crucial Conversations). She identified that she is, in her words, an a-hole who always argues to win. This prompted an interesting discussion about how the kids perceive her, and how they perceive me during arguments. She asked for feedback and was actually accepting of it. I pointed out how a particular technique in the book called "master your stories" pertained to an issue we're having with the neighbors. She said she found that very helpful and asked that I try to re-frame things like that in the future. I can work with this.

recover
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by recover » Tue Jan 12, 2016 10:21 pm

hi the husband,
i smiled reading your entry :)
you are a good husband. hope things go well.
with support,
recover

the husband
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Posts: 421
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Mon Apr 18, 2016 6:01 pm

I'm still around.

My wife has had some health issues that have impacted her mood and memory. I m supportive outwardly, but privately harbor "Here we go again" concerns. It would be nice to have things be "good", rather than "nothing seriously wrong". I'm not sure that's in my immediate future.

Sex is touchy. Once a week is okay, though if the stars are not aligned for the weekend then it becomes 2 weeks. She sort of initiates, but has trouble saying what she wants and defers to me. I'm left feeling that she's putting up with sex to appease me, but not willing/ able to engage fully or to speak her truth. It's really the only prolonged affection we have,

Fleur
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Mon Apr 18, 2016 9:11 pm

Hello The Husband

Your wife is fortunate that you are patient, understanding , hold her in high regard, aware of her needs as well as how past and current health status impact her

Must be difficult to see things return to"here we go again"
I can almost hear your sigh

May you both enjoy a peaceful day
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

the husband
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Posts: 421
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Fri Apr 22, 2016 8:12 am

Fleur, I really appreciate coming back to a reply. Thank you.

She's doing a better. She can hear me now when I set limits. Today was very challenging at work and I had some necessary household errands before I got home. She was able to hear that I was not yet ready to talk about my day and nicely gave me my leave to relax for a bit while she dealt with the kids. Just knowing that my limit was accepted allowed me to recover more quickly and re-engage in a very short time. I was able to come back to her in short order and hear about her day with no distractions.

Fleur
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Fri Apr 22, 2016 8:49 pm

Hello The Husband

Must be difficult to set boundaries, and maintain them
Great that you did and hopefully each time limits are set, it becomes easier

I trust that your wife is aware of your blessing her life

May you enjoy a lovely family weekend
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

the husband
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Posts: 421
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Fri May 20, 2016 3:37 am

I've had a concern about our intimacy of late. On one hand we've been having sex once a week, which is the most frequent since we were trying to conceive years ago. On the other hand, it's really our only significant affection. Otherwise we have a quick peck goodbye and the occasional hug. I realize long term relationships cool down, but this is not really sustaining - particularly given the amount of support that is needed from me. Back to the sex, the situation has begun to feel like it's something we do for me, and I perceive a lack of enthusiasm bordering on disinterest. To be slightly graphic: I can't "arrive" with these thoughts intruding, and she can tell. So I told her this past weekend when it became clear that I was not going to "arrive". She listened and took it well. She said she was enjoying our renewed sex life, but had difficulty coming up with things she might enjoy. She said I should suggest more. I stated that this sort of fed into my current perception of sex being for me, and also there were pitfalls regarding things that had been off the menu in the past. She said she would work on it, and we agreed that it was actually kind of exciting that we still have things to explore after so many years. We're both going to have to stretch our trust for this part to work. We'll see what happens.

Fleur
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Fri May 20, 2016 4:00 am

Hello The Husband

Your post reminded me of the people who say that they have a "different" spouse each time where intimacy is concerned, meaning never ending exploration....

Think you're being very loving in your awareness
Its all about the "we", "us" -- or ought to be

There are myriad sensual ideas on the Web and perhaps on your bookshelf
Maybe enjoy mutually exploring these might bring about a more togetherness feeling?
Just remembering what helped my H and me in the early days, but please ignore if I've overstepped in sharing

Have you learnt about ways people express their love language?
My son and I did the quiz (meant for parent/child; there are others for spouses) and learnt we operate on different languages
This means that what I thought loving and kind was not interpreted the same way by my son
It certainly improved our communication, particularly important given we see each other only a few weeks of the year

Wishing you both very well
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

the husband
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Posts: 421
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Sat May 21, 2016 3:43 am

Thanks for listening and responding, Fleur. It's never an overstep with me, have no fear of that. If ever you have constructive criticism for me, I invite it.

I am truly open to anything that she might be able to receive - desperate to know that I am doing something that she finds stimulating. Oh, I know that she likes back rubs, massaging and scratching, but what else? Believe me when I say that I have run the gamut, but usually without any definitive response either way. I want feedback: "That's good", "Not into that ever.", "Try that this way." Perhaps we could try a quiz. We'll see what the weekend brings.

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