A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

[the husband]

Thank you, recover.

My wife has returned to therapy, and owned that she was depressed yesterday. I feel that she was battened down when she didn't have the additional support, but now maybe we can get real.

[Harmony]

Dear the husband,

I am glad she is willing to participate again.

holding a candle of hope,
Harmony

[the husband]

Things are looking up.

My wife is back to therapy. She's also back to work - perhaps more than I think is wise, but she's making it so far. It's comforting not to be so close to the financial edge. She's also helping with the housework more and is doing better at being organized. Intimacy has returned and we make time for it once a week - far more than before. It's a little hard to accept that this is a reasonably stable situation, but time will tell.

Last week wife stated that, emotionally, she's feeling better than she ever recalls feeling. I had not heard this from her before. She attibutes this to the Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) treatment she had awhile back. Whatever the cause, I'll take it.

[Jonesy]

BIG smile for you both

[the husband]

We're doing okay. Intimacy has become weekly and we're finding our way slowly. This morning would have been the time, but my wife instead told me she was worried that her mood was shifting down. It seems she let her medications run out and was off them for a week. She's back on them now, but it will take time. The good news is that instead of saying nothing and having "bad" sex, or no sex and no explanation, she spoke up. She also gave me a nice massage, which she rarely does.

[the husband]

We're ships passing in the night again. Or in the evening anyway, as she goes to bed extra early now. Still sex weekly, but that's not a relationship. We're going to have to deal with this head-on, but there's not a good time until January. Of course, life may not wait for convenience.

[Jonesy]

Hi the husband

I thank you for continuing to write here.
It is more important than you could ever know for survivors to get a possible glimpse into the mind of their partner.
Talking is indeed key - I wish for this to happen sooner than later for you.

[mustard seed]

Hi Husband,

Long time, no post
Have been reading a bit in your thread and wondering how things are now.

From my perspective, I avoid when I feel unable to communicate what's inside or when I am angry.
The old expression from my mother; "if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all" has been taken quite literally to the next step by me. I am an expert in avoidance...as an example...if my husband committed some small infraction (which triggered me) like touching me when I was not expecting it; it usually took anywhere from 3 days to a week for me to process what was happening in me to be able to speak to him...so of course, avoidance was necessary for me.

1st reaction was anger (you know I don't like being touched unless I know its coming) how could you do this to me;
2nd reaction was I'm an idiot, making too big a deal out of nothing
3rd Can't help or stop the big deal reaction-I am broken forever
4th you idiot; can't you see I'm broken, why don't you reach out...apologise maybe
5th: embarrassed by each of the above...now how to contain it all and end the avoidance

Sometimes it's easier just to sail through the night as it can be exhausting dealing with me everyday.

On the plus side for you; you can communicate clearly to your son about prioritizing his own wellness.

I have noticed a tendency in you which I believe is not in yours or your wife's best interest...there is never a " better or good" time to face challenging relationship discussions; are you able to identify the root of your hesitation?
BTW; calm, peace, quiet in the house, not wanting to rock the boat are each in themselves a form of avoidance. It takes one to know one

Hoping you are well and still going to the gym;
I appreciate your thread so very much.
Please disregard if nothing is applicable.
With respect,
ms

[the husband]

Thanks mustard seed

I respectfully disagree that there is not a good or better time to discuss difficult topics. It's pretty much all the same to me, but I do have to consider the kids and my wife's limited resources. Choosing a time when she is exhausted, about to go to work, or will be without professional support can be disastrous for her. The kids do not need to be privy to some of the goings-on either. Things can get pretty loose and loud. Both of my kids suffer from anxiety and I really do need to be responsible about my timing. There are also my resources to consider: when is my next appointment? Do I have somebody else's fate in my hands at work tomorrow?

I appreciate your thoughts about communicating when angry, and how doubt and expectations can color and delay the discussion. I did ask her point-blank about her tendency to go into our bedroom most of the time, and regarding the increased amount of sleep she is seeking. She says she is not depressed! I am less sure. She's working more, yes, but in bed more when home. I feel that she is depressed and avoidant of tasks that she feels less confidence in.

[mustard seed]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Husband)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Of course each of those considerations are valid;
especially protecting the children...

As I am conflict avoidant myself,
my one rebuttal is this:

If your wife has a strong, understanding & loving husband;
her greatest resource is at her side during any discussion; difficult or otherwise.

Your support and available resources do need to be a priority;
like putting on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else.

I trust your family made it through the holiday season;
I pray for abundance in all areas of lack for 2016.
You are an amazingly compassionate, patient and caring husband,
a wonderful father and a wise friend.

Please do take care of yourself,
with respect,
mustard seed