A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

[the husband]

Hi Fleur

My son is 5 years older than my daughter and I have to say that they are usually quite lovely together.

My son is being very 16 and I have been talking to him about his communication errors and about getting himself more organized. These are not unusual topics. The issue is that my wife becomes frustrated and begins making sweeping generalizations and making ultimatums. My son is then offended and argumentative. I get tired of being the only adult, and my daughter tried desperately to be a peacekeeper but really has no power when this flares up.

My wife's job is okay. She's been able to change things around so that she is more of an indian than a chief, and can leave work at the door. Unfortunately she then climbs into bed and doesn't do a lot more on days when she works.

I've spoken to her about this recently - and gently because she's still trying to make changes from our last discussion. We'll see if school starting improves or exacerbates the problem.

[the husband]

The kids are happy at school - my daughter especially so as this is a new school for her and she is leaving behind some small-school drama that would not relent.

My wife continues to take to the bed. There has been some improvement in that she made an effort to prepare dinner. She also did the laundry to completion this weekend, Unfortunately intimacy has taken a hit. As I have mentioned before, sex is really the only intimacy we have presently. There is no kissing or hugging for more than a moment, cuddling is okay, though I am the cuddler 80% of the time. Sex happens on weekend mornings, but there was none this weekend and no discussion. I will be out of town with the kids next weekend (but even if the joins us there will be no intimacy). Thus, one weekend missed becomes 3 weeks. It damages my perception of our sex life - when she seems avoidant I have trouble believing she is actually interested in maintianing our relationship.

[Fleur]

Hello TheHusband

Apologies for missing your post on Friday
Thank you for sharing

I tried as a child to make everything peaceful but seldom successfully

Hopefully has been positive that your wife is now less of a chief at her paid job

You'd be relieved along with your daughter that the new school is OK
Happy children at school is great, not an issue

.....

Understand a bit about your relationship concerns
It would be less stressful I imagine if other areas of intimacy continued?
How that pans out is a guess, and naturally takes commitment from you both

Trust you'll have a really lovely weekend with your children

May you enjoy the highs as they occur

[the husband]

Thank you fleur.

"I tried as a child to make everything peaceful but seldom successfully"

Yes, I know that role well, as does my wife. I continue that work but, I hope and believe, in a much healthier way that emphasizes common ground and mutual trust. I feel I've come a long way from the child that just wants the violence to stop, and am now a powerful force that brings people together.

Sex is now good. We're up to once a week and, while it still a bit regimented as to schedule, my wife has been able to reveal enough of her sexual preferences to make things feel genuine. At this point I feel like that part of our relationship is successful enough for now.

She continues to isolate on a daily basis, hanging out in our room watching Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, which is a police procedural drama that focuses on rape and assault. Most scenarios feature a survivor who eventually becomes empowered to assist with the investigation. There seem to be an endless supply of episodes, but I'm pretty sure she's seen them all. They make me stressed and angry, but I can understand her interest. My therapist indicates that it is not uncommon for survivors to dissociate while watching this show - and to seek it out. The downside is that she is not engaged in the rest of the household activities when she does this. Dinner was an issue, but admittedly she has recently re=engaged with that task for the most part. She did disappear on me today when I was helping her prep. She's also not fully engaged with the kids. Her sleep has been poor, which almost excuses her retreating into our room and falling asleep before anyone else.

[Fleur]

Hello TheHusband

That sounds like very positive changes are occurring

Congratulations for being empowered in healthier behaviours, as that is a very special role difference

Sleep deprivation affects me deeply - everything feels, appears much worse than actuality

Can understand your frustration with your wife not being fully present and going to bed early
All kudos though for your patience, tolerance and understanding

Lovely to know bedroom activity is more healthy for you both

Do you find that you are participating more in your children's lives because their mother is unable to be a consistent parent?

May you and your family enjoy this weekend

[the husband]

Thank you, Fleur.

I am very much part of the kid's lives. This was a goal for me from the beginning, since my father was disengaged at best and violent at worst. I have used my parents as negative examples. They are still alive, but a day's drive away and my contact with them is minimal. They are not warm people, so I don't think either party is particularly bothered by the disconnection.

My kids seek my wife out for occasional emotional support, and certainly my 11 y/o daughter has great need of her mother right now for practical matters, but they both seek me for calm and consistency. It bothers me that they can see when my wife is checked out, overwrought, or foggy. These are discussions for when they are adults perhaps.

[Fleur]

Hello TheHusband

Great that your children can sometimes get what they need from their mother
Excellent that you offer consistency as a hands on parent

Many youngsters are savvy around MH concerns these days
Taught in schools here as part of health, hygiene classes
Could be worthwhile gently exploring what they might like to know

Sad when grandparents are not included in the next generation's life, but totally understand where life is at for you and your family

Wishing you and loved ones a wonderful weekend

[the husband]

Thanks you Fleur

I do wish some other Loved Ones would appear. Few come, and fewer stay. One would think this would be an excellent place to gain support. Sometimes I think that I should venture out and do my own support site just for Loves Ones, but I think it is so valuable to have survivors drop in with the safety of moderators.

Much has gone on, but the most important thing is that I have been gently reclaiming ground that I gave up voluntarily years ago. I want to lose 5 pounds. Just 5. Maybe 6. Really that's all I need, but those are 5-6 slippery pounds that require changes in habit. To that end, I have purchased...a SCALE! We haven't had a scale in the house in decades, due largely to my wife who was an accomplished gymnast in her youth. I really need the scale for day-to-day goal setting, but I knew ordering one would be an issue. It was, and I told her I would put it where she didn't have to look at it, but that I would be using it. That seemed to end it...for now. There are other examples, but the point is that I'm not mad at her for things I gave up, but I gave more than was reasonable and I will reclaim enough to be whole.

[Fleur]

Hello TheHusband

You seem a very sensible, well balanced gentleman
May your idea to regain yourself go according to plan

Agree with you regarding loved ones, especially those who truly struggle

[the husband]

Thank you Fleur

I'm not above talking to myself here just to keep the lights on in case someone wanders in - but it's so much better to have you here and engaged. Please let me know what I can do for you.

My wife and I are in a rough patch right now.
She's been a bit irritable lately and has a few times spoken to me in an unpleasant manner. She apologizes later, but there's often a "but" and she repeats the pattern later.
She's also been getting into arguments with my son more, and their issues highlight her failure to set good parameters and to monitor them. I end up in the middle, trying to make fair decisions based on their undefined expectations and incomplete communication. It's very frustrating to come home from work to an angry house.
She has also been offloading some of her tasks to me. I don't mind helping out wherever there's a need, but she has handed over some projects that she hasn't followed up on or otherwise has more to it than was communicated to me.
The worst: she's been sort of assigning things to me - sending the kids to me to tell me that I need to help with their homework so that they can go someplace in an hour, etc.

I help with homework, but I like to be asked and not with an hour on the clock counting down (I did it anyway).

We tried to discuss it last night, but it quickly became nasty. She is aware that she argues to "win" and that that's not good. She also responded to my telling her what I need with "So, are you saying I need to work less?" and "So the kid's schoolwork is MY responsibility?", neither of which were on topic or helpful. She asked for examples of when she has given me tasks that were less complete than she had let on, and then was annoyed when I gave some. I was fairly calm and respectful. She had said that we should talk it out immediately, but then abruptly decided that she was too tired. That was probably the best decision of the night.

She was still mad this morning. We'll see what transpires for tonight. We have to agree that if one of us is trying to "win" we both lose. We would win if we both felt heard and got our needs met. We also need to stay on topic and avoid saying hurtful things. Her statement about the schoolwork was infuriating, given the amount of time I spend with the kids.

More later.