Abuse

[GrowingTree]

spiritual trigger

feel like I paid my dues with one sister. the eldest of the three.

i needed to be taken care of. couldn't meet my own basic need of clansiness. i asked 1 sis to help me, she couldn't, i asked other sis she said wait, more then 20 min later im still waitinf. finally we are getting ready to clean myself and she is on the phone with someone and the extra stimulation makes me on near fainting. i tell her this and she gives me a hard time. i wind up doing it myself, 1/2 hour later i am dirtier than i was before, and had one of the worst cleaning experiences ever. i got burned in the process, and other suffering stuff.

but i feel like i paid my dues
and i thank god bc now my soul is at more rest

much of the suffering i endured now bc my youngr sis was an ignorant being and gave me uch a hard time that i referred to risk doing things by myself, is the same exact suffering i inflictd on her. more than that, this all happened in the same exact location (same room) that i did what i did to her. as the suffering was happening now i asked god to let me take all the suffering- also hers, so she is not affected badly by trauma like i am. so i took the burns and everything else.

like i said. god is my solace. religioun can be anything, and i am making it work to my advantage.

i am like a child now. really need an aid.

its a little more quiet here finally but still lots of shooting in background.
need to work through my trauma with the shots and especially [i]that shot[/i], the one i talk about so casualy whenever i mention it.

had memoy of someone trying to choke me to death while in suffering place a short while ago. i always suspected that my mum had tried to choke me, but in the memory ot wasn't her. i don't know eho, but not her. and it was severe chocking. first time having such a clear image of the incident. i suspected it for years, but first time having such memory.

[GrowingTree]

sl
fuer
want to say thank you for listeing
sorry I cannot respond properly to your words

[Fleur]

Dear GrowingTree

It's okay to not directly respond

Thanks for sharing

Can you get aid paid by government?
That way, you could have professional assistance

May there be sunshine you can enjoy, perhaps sitting outside in shelter

May you feel brighter and stronger today

Softest hugs; much caring

[GrowingTree]

Hi Fluer,

Aid isn't an option at the moment, though there is a slight possibility later on.

There is much needed to work through for myself in thi area. There is much more guilt than I am aware of. I feel it in my stomach, the pain has been getting crippling and the last time it was this bad on such a consistent basis was also related to guilt.

How do I repent for something when I am no longer the person I was?
How do I say I am sorry when they do not remember?
How dare I show remorse when I took satisfaction in their cries of pain? It was more satisfaction about the control I had over them. I must have needed much control between sexual abuse, violence at the home, bullying in school, being in a new school where everyone was of a different culture (not fitting in and so forth), and the attacks. The attacks were awful back then, purely terrifying.

How many times did I do it?
It doesn't really matter. Once is enough to scar them for eternity.
Why did I choose that method to hurt them?
I guess it's because it was available to me, and I also had privacy then, so no one really saw in the bustling household.

Writing more is really hard right now, so I will stop here. This is so much progress.
The thing is, I have a hard time picturing myself talking about this to someone. It feels like it is between myself, my siblings and G-d, and I need to figure it out through one of those elements or people. I also don't know how I would show my face to any person again if they knew what I did. I guess my brother is really strong for having so many in the family know he touched me. I shouldn't be like him, keeping it inside and saying "I am okay". I do say I am not okay, but also keep t inside. I am considering speaking about it.

Thank you for listeing

[Harmony]

Dear GrowingTree,

Sitting here listening to you and your story. It is fine to post the pain. I hope it helps. Please do treat yourself gently and with compassion if you can. Kindness is the only way out of a violent past. Do things differently than you were taught if possible.

with comfort,
Harmony

[GrowingTree]

Harmony, I wasn't violent. It wasn't a violent thing. Or maybe it was. I am not sure anymore.

Thanks for being here

[verilybutwearily]

(((((GrowingTree)))))
here with you, understanding the guilt
we're not the same people we were, we were children in horrible situations and we did whatever we could to survive because that's all we could do as children
hugs friend, wish i could do more for you
- vbw

[Harmony]

Harmony, I wasn't violent. It wasn't a violent thing. Or maybe it was. I am not sure anymore.

Thanks for being here

Dear Growing Tree,

I was thinking more of the people around you as violent. Violent home and past was in terms of words if not including deeds. I never suspected you as violent. I hope that clears it up. Please forgive me if I worded that in an unclear manner. No harm was intended.

Still sitting with you,
Harmony

[GrowingTree]

Thank you for your support.

The guilt is having a heavy toll on me.
It's not shame as much as guilt, and accountability.

I think I could have done better. I know I could have done better. I failed myself, and in the way I perceive spirituality, I also failed the goodness in my soul.

My little sister, I'll call her T. We spoke today. she doesn't like me living with her in the house. I am not too much fun with my sensitivities, mood swings, seizures, and the things they need to avoid doing in order to not trigger one.
Anyways, I can get pretty moody. Angry. Irritated. Snappy. And be like that for days. I later realized that the amount of stimulation was what was behind this, and the day stimulation lessened a lot, my mood lifted dramatically. I yelled a few times during the hectic time. I broke, really really broke. Almost hit my mum or my sis. This was a short while ago when I made a logistical mistake and my mum went ballistic and violent. My sister intervened and basically blamed me, it was like she was saying mum was right, and you have no right to be human and make mistakes. Anyways, I almost hit someone. I was yelling at her and mid-word I realized how out of control I was. Shocked, I put my hand over my mouth, another on my racing heart as my little sister yelled at me "go to your room''. She was acting like she was older than me!
So it would be very easy for me to say this and other screaming episodes is the reason why she feels scared of me. But I don't buy it. I fully believe it stems from that time when she was 2 years old and I was I full control. She couldn't verbalize STOP, but she didn't need to with the crying and squealing.
I have to see this place where I tortured 3 souls every day.
What a humbling experience this is.
I see the darkness in human nature and the evil acts of man can be my own just so easily. I see how trauma affected me, and my heart agonizes for the pain they are enduring subconsciously and probably will endure because of me.
When I can take the pain instead of them, I do, unless it will debilitate me significantly further.
One of the 3 is sick and I couldn't even get her the exact type of water she wanted because I was hardly mobile that day... I missed the chance, but I know the chance wasn't supposed to be then.

[Harmony]

Dear GrowingTree,

It sounds like you are making clear insights about your behavior and situation. The only thing you can do is make good choices in this moment. You can plan for good choices later on. It is fine to grieve the past but moving ahead is important. Now that you have these insights what changes are you going to make? The time is now for change.

You are in charge of you.

with compassion,
Harmony