Help me be a Dad, please..

Post by **horrorcowboy** » Sat Jun 16, 2012 11:10 am

Terrified...
So I just turned twenty-nine, like two days ago. I getting to the point of wanting children. I was very abused, and I don't care to get into it online because it always turns into a contest it seems, but it was bad enough that I went and got myself clipped because thats how terrified I was of doing what was done to me to my own children. I still wont be having my own kids but, I freaking love kids! I am the oldest of ten and kids are just awesome, I know I would never hurt another persons child but the thought of them becoming my kids and being like my mother was scares the ever lovign crap out of me, and everytime I am with a person who has kids, as soon as I start getting close to the kids I run away. It's destructive, now I am with someone who doesn't have children but wants them an I want her to have them, and thanks to some medical science we can have them, the hard way, I just don't want to be the monster my mother was, how the hell do I get over this? I'm a pretty decent person, but when I get violent I get really violent the thought of even raising my voice to my own kids scares the crap outta me, someone please how do I handle this, I want this gone before I have kids, not after. Please help.

Post by **darkshadow** » Sat Jun 16, 2012 1:25 pm

I often find those that don't want to repeat history won't. You already know what you don't want to do, so chances are you won't do them because your aware.

Post by **lonelylife** » Sat Jun 16, 2012 2:59 pm

Hi,
I'd say this place if you look around, you will see there are no contests. I don't think anyone around here is even so inclined, but if any conflicts arose they would be quickly squelched by the moderators.

That said, I'd say that if you have a violent temper, have you considered going to therapy to address it? Explosive anger towards anyone in the household, even towards the mother, will affect the kids very negatively. And someone is always going to make us angry, because no one is going to do things the way that we feel we want, not even kids. Kids don't even always know what we want, even when we try to tell them what they should do, such as clean their room, because often their abilities wouldn't have caught up with their ages yet. When people assume kids have a motive or are doing something to spite them, it sets up an adversarial relationship that comes with built-in tensions towardsd the child. It's good you are seeking to address it now. It is very easy to be triggered in the day to day life of being around a child. Kids are just learning and are full of energy. They are alot to take on.

Post by **amalivo6** » Sun Jun 17, 2012 9:25 am

if you know the things that make you angree you have to stop doing it = eg= drinking stop full stop.
if there isn't a resson that makes you angery then you just have to lern to control it, =eg= therapy.

it sounds like you know what the proberlums are and that you realy want to do this so if you put the work in there no resson why you can't be a good dad. and don't forget good dads arn't pervert. good look

Post by **earthhorse** » Fri Jun 29, 2012 6:58 am

Dear horrorcowboy,

Such a dark but utterly cool screen name

have you looked into 'family constellations'? It might interest you... also the ancestor syndrome....

I think the ghosts of the past and the spirit of the future are glad when we are brave enough to have children. Of course you will make mistakes, but you are nothing like your abusers. You are a completely different person with profound awareness none of them have. You care a lot and you will make a difference. Look at all the amazing survivors here who are wonderful parents. You can break the cycle and in doing so you will heal both the past and the future.

Be lovely to you.

EH

Post by **Fleur** » Tue Jan 15, 2013 5:31 am

Hello Horrorcowboy

Glad you are thinking ahead

My son is now 16, but he does not trust me fully, as I used to raise my voice and I know at least once, when he was 3, I hit him without any memory of so doing - and there was other stuff

In a class to deal with anger in a healthy way, I was shocked to realise that anger is , or can be, a good thing - it lets us know when our boundaries (say what?!) &/or rights are impinged - it was huge learning curve

Looking at men who are great Dads could help you model your behaviour

For me, telling son to go to his room because I needed time out helped when he was younger - say up to ten. By going for a walk, ensuring he was safe, was another strategy. Later, I discovered my Mother gad done the same when I screamed before I was a year old - she left me in my cot where I would eventually tire and fall asleep. This would be after she checked everything was ok. When I was 18, it was revealed I had a spinal minor deformity which meant it hurt to touch. Should you have a baby who screams for no apparent reason, as did my son, please have the child looked at by a health professional. In my case, I showed my then chiropractor who held my baby very gently to put to rights a small problem caused by his birth. He immediately relaxed and settled

I am constantly aware of my potential to hurt. Always I apologise - knowing that it is not enough to reverse the hurt. With therapy, I have altered from the inside out, and no longer refer to myself as an angry persona

Not sure if my rambling is of any help

Remembering that I really do love my son has assisted, despite any misbehaviour

Wish you well as you embark on this next exciting part of your life journey

Post by **eliots_healing** » Fri Jul 12, 2013 10:35 am

As a Buddhist I recognized that if you dwell on something long enough you become that thing. Want to be the safest best dad in the world use everything in your means to help your mind think that. One day you can have that emotion where your eyes leak with pride because your children are trying their hardest. One day you can have that fuzzy strange feeling when you know your child's partner is wholly good for them. I know what these feel like. They're not biologically mine but they are still mine. Parenting is immensely hard work. Start practicing now.

anything can be possible it's about commitment and hardworking.

Post by **ladysslipper** » Fri Jul 12, 2013 2:18 pm

Even the best parents need help and guidance at times. Raising kids is not an easy task and they will do a lot of things that can really make an adult mad. That being said there are a lot of things that you can do to learn to be a good parent. Take parenting classes, learn about child development and read books on parenting. Additionally if anger is a big issue for you then I would suggest taking an anger management class to learn how to express your anger without hurting anyone.

Post by **facingmytruth** » Fri Jul 12, 2013 4:23 pm

Before i had my children i too was afraid that id be like my mother and had always wanted children of my own, when i had my 1st i made a promise to her that i would be the opposite of my mother because i couldnt comprehend how anyone could hurt such a helpless child.dont get me wrong there are times being a parent is triggering but my love for both my girls gives me the determination to be the person my mother wasnt and can never be.gl in whatever you decide.