Life of There: 2020

[coconuts]

Oh there, wishing things weren't so hard for you right now.

I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't going to feel like this forever. It feels hopeless but it's not. You do have people who care. They might not always show it the right way but I do believe they care.

Wishing things would work out and feel better. Right now I'm reminding myself to get thru this hour, this day, this week. Just keep swimming as it were. Even if it feels like I've been pulled into a whirlpool.

Caring and reading along
Coconuts

[there]

I want to thank you, df, wc, coconuts, for all you do and all you are.

I'm thankful for all the kindness and support for me here. I can only hope to reciprocate at possibly a better time. Not feeling strong hope of better times for me.

I can do the 'not thinking too much' for a while. Then the surrounding difficulties that have been there close in on my mind.

it sucks that the free 11 am yoga class on YT for resiliency is drastically cut now.

Haven't seen or heard from M or B for a few days. idk

I guess it could be harder. I could be losing/have lost my job, possibly my home, and sweating bullets like many others.

I have positive things. Good physical health. Self-care habits. Ability to learn and grow.

I lose confidence at times. So many things I either couldn't do, self-sabotaged, or had to do twice as slow. Hard to conceive of better circumstances after so long buried alive.

I am pissed but not surprised at self-serving therapist.

My elbow tendon hurts. I need to be more careful again.

On my Own----God Bless the Child

Part of me says, "Why get my hopes up for anything?"

Mad GF PB cookies from sugar cookie mix.

Gotta go outside. Yay, mask up time.











Made GF PB cookies from sugar cookie mix.

[Watercolor]

It's hard when some expected and relied-on comforts go missing. Things that have sustained you. In the case of the T, someone who *should* have helped support but was such a disappointment. I think stuff stacks up and then the cumulative effects throb more.

Just thinking out loud for a moment as I rehearse a few similar feelings of my own and ways that I sorely object to dealing with obstacles during this time. It sure is daunting when new issues arise. Wish M and B had been available as their presence could add meaning for you. And hopefully will again soon.

A youtuber I was listening to the other night suggested talking ourselves through things. He would ask himself out loud very simple questions, even starting first thing in the morning. "Can I lift back the covers?" And did. "Can I bring my leg down the side of the bed?" Then did. He said talking himself through bit by bit helped him a great deal and he used that tool again and again. His method may not appeal but it came to mind. I may not approach it just the same way, but I definitely talk to myself here.

It also washes through my thoughts that things that are very hard don't necessarily equal "impossible." Things feel impossible to me with frustrating frequency. But when I'm honest, I can downgrade them from impossible to very hard. I don't want to be called on to press through "very hard" days either. But I didn't get to pick multiple choice and request "easy."

I guess this is my quirky way of commiserating with you today, there. I hate that life has been pressing in on you and hope you get some breathing room soon.

[there]

df,
Right, it’s on them. My mind grabs it and keeps it too long. I can visualize the energy of people words,or,actions returning to them like a boomerang. Would like this image to work more than it does. It’s like throwing pebbles at aAnd an A approaching army tank, it seems. The stuff is right there when I wake up. So it’s fight of fight/fight many mornings. Sigh.

I’m sorry, coconuts, Wc, part of my post , the part to you each, was lost. Will post to you later.

Am so tired. Could sleep for a month.

[Noname]

there,

Reading along and caring and understanding. I wish I had some great words of comfort for you, but I am sadly short on words lately. I just want you to know you're not alone.

[there]

Thank you, coconuts, Wc, Nn,
I appreciate so much your kind and thoughtful support. Just your presence helps so much to not feel all alone.

Wc, yeah, I talk myself through stuff, too. Sometimes it's to counter an inner critical voice that
undercuts me. A lot of times, I encourage myself, or talk myself out of listening to or going over some bs somebody has said to me. (Such a rich lode of BS to work the counteracting magica on!)
You're right that some things which seem impossible are actually doable, just very hard. I think of all the healing work we do-some of it extremely difficult, maybe which also seemed impossible, but we find ways to do that. I'll contemplate your words some more, thank you.

coconuts, yes, it feels hopeless, but actually isn't. In one day, the situations can vary so much, provoke different reactions in me. I need to keep responding out of self-care, the best I can. Maybe I can even consider doing more new things. I actually like doing new things. Fear makes you contract to hide. "Maybe the harm won't find me if I crouch in the fetal position here. " lol

Warmish today. Have walked Tula, picked up thyroid meds, put a few donations into the mini-pantry by city hall. Am laundering grubby microfiber mop attachments. Floors really need to be washed now.

Might take bus, for Tula's walk in nature.

[there]

Took bus to get food.
Lost phone either on bus or somewhere. Checked and checked when I discovered in the store it was gone.

Calling lost & found back tomorrow. Am used to this. Actually had phone for a longer stretch before losing this time. Kinda don't think I'll get it back this time, either.

Not going to let it ruin my day.

[coconuts]

You are right. Sometimes taking the time to tell ourselves we matter enough to take care of ourselves is so important. There are so many things we just do out of habit or training. Like the echos of the past. I talk to myself outloud often just to counter the voices/ messages in my head.

I'm a bit adventurous myself and like to try new things. Just to experience it. I think the world was shut off from me so much when I was younger than now that it isnt I want yo discover it more.

So glad you are taking care of Tula today. She keeps you going.

Coconuts


Eta... oh man. I hate losing stuff. I do it all the time and I hate it. Fingers crossed you do get it back.

[there]

thank you, coconuts,
Spoke with lost and found guy at transit Authority. Nobody had turned it in, but I'm calling back at 3:30. I'll phone the store I was into in also.

Another similar phone is $100.
So it goes.


Telehealth therapy in 10 minutes. Yippee. I'm gonna cut it short and leave early. Therapy sucks.


Beautiful warm day. Have taken two out Tula out. Did mantra meditation when I woke up at five before getting more sleep. Want to try for earlier sleep tonight
last night not too bad actually.

Getting some work done.

Thank you for reading.

[Watercolor]

I hate that your phone turned up missing, there.

I like your idea about adding new things, if and where possible. I was reading today that that's a positive element in surviving the quarantining time, switching things up, locating newness and adding variety wherever possible. Wanting to seek more of this here also.

Hoping tonight will provide one of your better sleeps!