Is this normal?

[USSDefiant]

Is it normal to feel little or nothing towards yourself. As I said in another thread, I have a lot of compassion, love and stuff, but I can not feel those emotions for myself... not at all. I can feel hate for myself, I can feel disapproval and I can feel dislike.... but, nothing positive. Postitive feelings are something I have for others, real people and fictional characters. Like, I cried for Jadzia Dax when she died on Deep Space Nine, and for Worf who she left behind, I cried for various people who died during the dominion war (fictional I know), but I cannot cry for me... somehow I may not be worth the tears, even my own tears. i fear I was defective from the start, a mistake, a reject, a cosmic joke. I know intellectually how ridiculous this actually sounds, but this is what I feel. It is as if i was born to suffer. I am desperate to recieve love but I do not know how to recognise it. Damn, I am so fucking lost.

[Harbor]

Hi USSDefiant

It's common for survivors of abuse to feel empathy for others but to have difficulty apply it to themselves. This is a particularly good topic to explore with a therapist, because even though we're aware of it, the practice and validation of self-empathy is vital. It has been said that one can not truly care for others until one cares for themselves. Think of an airplane where they tell you to put your own air mask on first.

[Kenazandisaz]

Sadly, a very normal way for survivors to feel. Also a big mood among autistic people who have grown up acutely aware of, and taking abuse for, their differences. Your feelings are valid and shared by lots of people like you. Doesn't make it true that you are a mistake, a reject or a cosmic joke. Those are really rubbish lies that you have been told (explicitly and implicitly) too often, for too long, by too many people. Might not be your best plan to keep adding to those wounds by agreeing.

What would Dax say? I'm thinking she would give you that little smile, like 'sweety, no' and take you out for a drink'. Kira would straight up want to punch everyone who ever made a child feel like that. Sisko would sit you down and lecture you on human worth. Possibly there would be a baseball metaphor involved. These are better role models for how to treat people than the ones you grew up with. can you work with that to start checking how you treat yourself?

[coconuts]

Not much to add. You've been given great advice here. And there are tons of us who are or have been right there. It's very very common amongst survivors. The truth is all those messages you've been told and continue to tell yourself are lies. You are valuable. You are of worth. You deserve peace, and compassion and love. It's so hard to feel that for ourselves because of the ways we were treated especially as children. But we can overcome those lies and start to believe in the value and worth of who we are. We deserve that happiness. We deserve that love. We deserve that light and we contribute to this world in positive ways.

[USSDefiant]

Now you say that, I am imagining what the DS9 Crew would actually say... I can almost hear them telling me off. I can hear Odo most of all, a misfit himself, even Garak telling me I am being stupid. I can see him inviting me for a bottle of Kanar and asking me why I think these things. Deep space nine is for me so much more than just the TV SHOW it appears to be, it's characters are alive and vibrant. Like, I know these people from various worlds. Damn, I know how crazy that is.

I guess if I can see the worth in someone like Quark, I should be able to see the worth in myself.

[Kenazandisaz]

That's not crazy at all. Shows like DS9 literally save lives. It is beyond precious to have somewhere safe that allows you to imagine a better life with good people. It keeps hope alive. Those deep connections with fictional characters can preserve our ability to connect. That is something to be grateful for and proud of.

[USSDefiant]

I just wish I could stop feeling like I'm on some sort of great rollercoaster. You're right that fiction does provide me and many others with some kind of safety net. My whole life I've kind of floated from one emotional disaster to another, I can scarcely remember what it feels like to feel safe. Even now, if things are going okay, I get the feeling that it won't last and that something horrible is going to happen. I'm probably sabotaging myself by feeling like that... but I can't seem to help it. I have tried not to feel that way (mostly by drinking), but then I hate myself for drinking because I know it isn't really a healthy way of coping. Sometimes I feel anxious when there is no need to be, or paranoid that I am being patronised if someone is actually nice to me. It's hard to trust people that I don't already know well. Like, I completely trust my sister and my best friend, but it's hard to trust some others. Worst of all, I know that my feelings are illogical, and I try to be a rational person. I feel exhausted all the time, but I'm still on that hamster wheel plodding away, unable to just chill out like any normal person.

[Noname]

Hi USSDefiant,

I can definitely relate to feeling like you're on a roller coaster. And that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling. And having so much compassion for others, but none for myself. This are all "normal" - or rather, common for survivors. I can say that these feelings can get less and less with time and work on healing. It's a process, and sometimes feels like a very slow process, but it will get better.

Also, in my opinion "normal" is just a washer/dryer setting. Everyone's unique, everyone's journeys are unique. There's really no such thing as "normal".