What's wrong with me?

[meepers]

Hello,

It's been years since I posted on this site, but here I am again. I can't figure out what's wrong with me, and why I can't move on my experience of child abuse.

Every day, constantly, if I'm not distracting myself then I'm struggling not to break down crying. I can't remember most of what happened when I was a kid, but from what I do remember, it's enough to make me just lie in bed for hours and hours.

Years ago I quit my nursing degree, with one course left, because I couldn't cope with patients reminding me of my family, or any form of criticism from other nurses. I was so close and I left because of the panic attacks I'd have of having to sit in the nursing station at breaks. I can't deal with people supervising me - it terrifies me. I have a good job now, and still, any form of criticism is enough to make me shut down.

I have problems telling people no. One time this got me into trouble, as I didn't show up at a friend's place like I said I would, and she told me how awful of a person I am with a lot more words. It was a complete overreaction, i know, but this was last year and I still can't get over it.

I have a boyfriend now, we've been dating for two years we are long distance and I see him once a week. Those five days I spend apart from him a week feel wasted. It's like I can't be happy without being near him because he's the only person I have right now who i can talk to. And puts up with my random nights of crying. I can't stand how much I depend on him. I'm so fixated on the fact that he gives me the love I never received and it scares me. I don't want to be so dependant on him. I want to be able to hang out with people without wishing he were there or leaving early for a 5 minute phone call. I want to be able to spend my weekends for myself, instead of traveling over 6 hours a week hang out on weekenda just so I can feel normal. I feel so pathetic. He doesn't understand how much I rely on him. It's so... unstable.

Last year we broke up temporarily. I lost my mind crying. I stayed up for nearly 72 hours. I was prescribed zopiclone to sleep and it didn't help. I was so wired i took the pills and was able to drive the 3 hours to a hotel to meet him and properly break up. It was insane. I went to mental health for support and they diagnosed me with an inability to cope. I thought that crying over a relationship was normal, but I found out later that people had been divorced and were still going to work the next day. I was given nearly a week off work over my boyfriend who i had dated for only a year. I was just a mess. I couldn't stop calling or texting him. I had to beg him to block me, just so I could stop acting so crazy.

I can't stand it. He is the thought that I use to block out thoughts of my childhood. I love him immensely, but Ii's so messed up. It's like, without him I have nothing holding me together. I live in the middle of nowhere. The male to female ratio here is such that I can almost only make friends with men, and I don't trust their intentions, so when I'm not in the city with my boyfriend, I'm just alone in my room. I do social activities and exercise to get out of the house, but in the end, all of my thoughts lead back to him. It's that, or I'm a miserable wreck.

I don't know what's wrong with me. At work I have no confidence to do anything I haven't been taught before. I'm an apprentice and should be working towards becoming a journeyman, but I can't make a single decision by myself without fear that I will make a mistake and get attacked. I can't speak my mind, other people get credit for my ideas, and I look uninterested in my job. Someone even called me useless. I never thought I was - I just am too afraid to try anything new so I don't volunteer. I can't stand any form of criticism. It just stays in my head. I avoid everyone who I can't profusely apologize to and make sure that they don't hate me.

I need help, but I'm in the military. I have dreams for my career and having therapy sessions on my record can ruin it. I don't know what to do. I just can't stand it anymore. I want to be normal. I want to be okay by myself. I want critisim to roll off my back. I dont want to be so concerned about what others think of me. I want to be able to find the strength to be happy on my own. I just don't know how.

[Serenity]

Hi meepers,

I'm not sure where you are, but if you are in the US military there is a web site called "Military One Source" where you can receive free, confidential online therapy. These things can be so hard to try to deal with by yourself. I do understand the issues that came with being in the military, and the problems that seeking mental health care can bring. But, your mental health is important. You are important.

With care,
Serenity

[jimscarlet]

Hi,
I think I recognise the dependency behaviour (had it myself,and allowed what I should
not have allowed). At the time,I didn't know I was suffering from abandonment disorder,
which,of course,drives one to depend on others because one has not learned to depend
on one's self. It doesn't need to be physical abandonment,no,emotional will do just as
well.
So I knew I had to improve in some way. Here is what I did: 1.Devoured books on
self-esteem.2.Devoured books on assertiveness. 3.Had problems with noise,so anger of
said noise,gave me courage to go to neighbours doors,to try and get peace. Though I
didn't always get peace,what I DID get,was courage by chapping on their doors;the noise
annoyed me so much,I didn't care who was on other side of door:)
And so I learned to stand up for myself,to admire myself,to RESPECT myself.
Oh,I am in no way perfect,but I do NOT allow disrespect (criticism) from ANY quarter!
It is a terrible way to live,as you know,not having that self-respect,allowing what you
know you should NOT allow,being in,I can only describe it as a DEPTH,and there is only
you in it,and you can't tell anyone because your ashamed of the human being you are.
I can't tell you the JOY I experienced when I took my first coffee back to counter cos
it was cold and asked for a hot one . . .they respectfully GAVE me it! That was my
beginning in assertiveness,just a small thing,but I knew I could on from there;and I did,
couldn't go through them all,but I remember I stood up to big fat lady who was attempting to put me down,the moment she saw I was not going to be intimidated,she
capitulated and suddenly became very respectful Yahooo! When I came out of building,
I looked up to the sky and whispered "Thank you God". Ho! Ho! Ho!
I hope this gives you hope,and you can climb out of the DEPTH,becausssseee,your life is
YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. I wish you courage and endurance.
DEEPEST RESPECT,
jimscarlet

[meepers]

Thanks for the advice! I'm happy to hear you've managed to take control of your life!