How can I destroy my abusive parents' reputation?

[mrbluesky]

I was abused by both of my parents (verbally by my mother and physically by my father). My two brothers were not abused. My parents are now 67 (father) and 57 (mother) years old. It makes me so angry that people don't know how they really are. Whenever other people are around (relatives, acquaintances) they switch on their "nice person personality" and sadly people are fooled by this and think that my parents are the nicest people ever while in fact they are tyrants.

I want relatives and family acquaintances to know what despicable people my parents really are. That they are cruel, remorseless child abusers and that the problems I have (depression) are the result of their cruelty. My younger brother has a long-term girlfriend and her parents live close by where my parents live. I want her and also her parents to know what kind of people my parents really are. However, at one point I had threatened my younger brother to tell his girlfriend what my parents did to me. My younger brother then threatended my by saying to me: "I'd think very hard before telling my girlfriend." So he is siding with my abusers, and if I told her about the abuse I know my parents and my brother would do everything to discredit me. So I feel very powerless again, just like when I was abused as a child. It is unbearable to me that my parents are so highly regarded when in fact they are despicable, heartless monsters. That people are fooled by their false nice-person-persona. However, I don't know how to change that.

What would you do? Have you succeeded in discrediting your abuser? If so, how did you do it?

[iwillthrive]

mrbluesky,

I can relate to a lot of what you have written here. I’m not sure what advice I can give about this bc I haven’t figured it out myself. My father was highly respected in our community. He owned a large company and everyone knew him and respected him. He passed away recently and so many people came to the service and I heard over and over again what a great man he was. It made me feel crazy!

Am I the only one who sees something else? Maybe I’ve made all this up in my head. Doubting myself and some of the memories. It’s crazy making stuff. I wanted to stand up at his service and tell everyone about the time he opened the door and saw my mother abusing me and closed the door and walked away. I wanted to tell everyone about the time he hit me with a baseball bat, or the time when I told him no that I wouldn’t go to my mother and “comfort” her that he kicked me and told me to go anyway.

I know I’m not answering your question but I wanted to tell you how much I relate to your feelings.

Thank you for sharing our feelings. It helps to know that I’m not alone (even though I hate this for you).

Take good care of yourself. iwillthrive

[IMA]

Again your not alone... I remember I have similar stories about my upbringing. I remembered I told outer family members and friends...the back lash was to much made me suicidal that people told me to endure it and how I should be grateful or to look past the abuse from both parent and step parent or even love them no matter what. I then felt meaningless and anger towards everyone.

The best advice I can give you is to make friends who have been through what you have endured. Go to group meetings, see a therapist.

The thing I regretted most was trying to discredit my abusers to their family and friends. Because you have to realize that people attract other like minded people. Its them who have the mindset of how deserved the treatment you got. Don't be around learn from my mistakes....there are other people in this world who will create positive experiences, heal the wounds that others have left you in, stand by your side even if your you become nasty yourself...they will look through the pain and embrace with warmth and love.

All you have to do is take the steps to find them.... and I am happy to be one of those people you can open up with and listen to your thoughts without judgment.

[Bodiquarikku]

Hey, you have my sympathies for what you went through, and I can appreciate wanting to have others see them, and judge them for what they have done to you. May I ask a question? What is your core motivation for wanting this? Is it for validation? Is it for revenge? Is it to protect others? Is it for justice?

I ask this because I am wondering what effect it will have on your healing path if it is something that you may regret further down the track, you have every right to be angry, to want to damage them, to have them feel some of what you have felt, but doing something out of anger often creates regrets.

I did end up destroying my abusers reputation, and it was a bloody hard road to get there. I lost many friends, had many people telling me how cruel I was and many more things along those lines. Thru the time that this was going on, I made a few choices out of anger, and those are the choices I most regret and probably will for many a year.

[there]

mrbluesky,
no words of advice but listening and caring.

[IMA]

Mrbluesky

Hey I just wanted to check in with how you are doing.

[wolfspirit]

mrbluesky,
I don't have much advice, but I understand how hurtful and frustrating it is to have people side with the abuser. It is hard to accept and handle.
I cut ties with my main abuser when I was well into adulthood because he continued to hurt me in so many other ways.
Have you tried to confront them about their abusive behavior?
Do they still act that way toward you?

I agree with IMA; getting support for yourself in groups and therapy will help you handle the feelings.

take care,

ws

[celticharpist]

I don't know that you can. What I know from my own experience is that the people who matter most to me figured it out pretty quickly. People who know my family think my mother is wonderful. Even childhood friends talk about how great she was. As an adult though, many of my friends who I made as an adult and not within the context of my family mention to me that they see her abusive ways. They know me outside of the context of my family so they see me for the person I really am and the person she really is and understand that the basket case that comes home after visiting my family is not the real me.

[honeybera]

Hello there, mrbluesky! It was the worst thing about "healing up" for me: the fact that I felt that Mommy Dearest was "getting away with it". God forbid!! But here I am (and here you are) ON THE INTERNET telling all of their shameful secrets to others that can really hear you!! THE INTERNET!!! Can't take back anything! 3 neeners to those rotten abusers out there!! They truly deserve this kind of exposure, naked for all to see!!!!!

And all that denial! Once when I was driving the bus and talking on the phone with MD (a long LONG time ago when one could still do that), she crooned in my ear, "Don't you think I'm SWEET?" and I darned near drove off the road!!! NO, SHE'S NOT SWEET, vicious old bag that she is, but here I am, on the public internet, TELLING ON HER!! You can do the same IF you want to!

So here is the place to post their shameful acts towards you and you'll be heard by all of us and without judgement or denial! You are NOT "crazy". I'm in my 70s and if I bring up my abuse to my brother in his 60s, he tells me, "Oh, it wasn't that bad for you!", but that's because it never happened to him (similar to your little brother, right?) Don't let the turkeys get you down. Write it all out on here (if you choose to) or just read others posts. Either way you may heal up with this, and your healing is what's really important.

And their reputations? It may be yours that is most important. You cannot change with has happened, but you are in charge of your own happiness now, and happiness and a good life are the best revenge, believe me. MD is NOT a happy woman, but I am! And it just gets her goat at a very deep level whenever I succeed at something. And I thumb my nose at her!! She is nearing 90 (the good die young ) and is totally miserable. I avoid her like the plague...and so does my brother now that he has all of her money. There are still people who think she's "sweet" because that's what she's told them, but on here, they know her better and often do not like her. Heck, I don't like her either! But I'll be darned if I'll allow her to continue to ruin my life. Nuts to that. She and her phony reputation isn't worth a minute more of my time. I dumped all my anger right here at what she has done to me, plus she's been "told on". What you wrote was a good start on purging that anger out. Best of luck to you!

Honeybera