A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.
So for the last few weeks I have been depressed. My family and friends asked about why I have been down. I would either lie about something minor or give a vague reply about what was eating me up inside.
But the truth stemmed from what happened to me as a child from an awful 1st cousin.
The past alone of remembering makes me sick with myself, to the point where I end throwing up- from sheer disgust. The thoughts make me have no motivation of even getting through the day.
I just wonder when I will stop being ashamed of myself and learn to accept me fully.
Today was another crappy day on the road for recovery with myself. Tomorrow I 'll be nervous opening up with my new counselor.
Last edited by Serenity on Wed May 30, 2018 11:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason:Changed ST to MT, as some triggering detail is included, and use of profanity
IMA,
I understand the shame and disgust, the secrets, and the impatience with healing.
I'm sorry your cousin did things to you that caused trauma as a child.
We're here listening and you're not alone on the journey.
Very glad you have a counselor to support you.
Offering a pillow to punch or a blanket to cry in or a favorite dessert to devour,
Welcome to our safe comfy website for survivors of childhood abuse and trauma. It sounds like you are sure one of us. Glad you found this site. Talking to a therapist can be daunting. It sounds like you are very ready. No advice just support for taking the plunge. You can do this. You survived as a kid now you are grown and can heal the hurts from long ago. This is do able. It isn't easy nor pleasant but very worth is. Take all the time you need. Give yourself a good pat on the back for seeking help and comfort.
After talking with my therapist, my nightmares went away for the first two days. I still feel pain and loneliness, It was hard telling her what had happened. Now I feel full of regret sharing that experience with her, because I feel like I still can't trust anyone.
Man this sucks having a fucked up life....but at least I got two days of worry free rest.
Last edited by Jonesy on Tue Jun 05, 2018 8:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason:Changed NT to MT, for profanity
IMA,
Trust takes a long time to rebuild after being hurt so deeply.
I think it was a big step toward healing to share what you're feeling and experiencing.
Some of the feelings of regret may be your old pattern of thinking trying to be heard.
Sharing is so hard because we become vulnerable.
IMA wrote: ↑Tue Jun 05, 2018 6:31 am
After talking with my therapist, my nightmares went away for the first two days. I still feel pain and loneliness, It was hard telling her what had happened. Now I feel full of regret sharing that experience with her, because I feel like I still can't trust anyone.
Man this sucks having a fucked up life....but at least I got two days of worry free rest.
It does suck and it isn't fair. So now is the time to learn to deal with it. Hopefully many more nights of worry free rest are ahead. We can keep you company here at isurvive until the loneliness passes.
Thank you for the support and keeping me company you guys.
Last night I was able to sleep a full nights rest, without any nightmares.
This morning I went to a group meeting for DBT. Loving the quote " You can want to change and be doing the best you can, AND still need to do better, try harder, and be more motivated to change."
I still have a really hard time with rejecting the moment. Like beating myself up for thinking of something negative and trying to run away from the present into the future.
IMA,
It took me years to understand that I didn't have to accept every thought I have. Such a novel idea.
Then it took me longer to learn when the thoughts were making me feel worse and why I am listening to them.
I still struggle with that "beating myself up" habit. It's so easy and familiar.
We all do it- especially survivors. You're not alone in that struggle.
Glad you found a splash of positive in your DBT meeting.
I feel sadness for people who don't know how to change.
I feel a great remorse for those stuck in their hatred....I used to be you-- There is a way out. It breaks my heart that it's never too late.
A lot of thoughts run through my head. Here's a few thoughts, notice I mean no disrespect or offense or even judgement...these thoughts are temporary ( just need an outlet for them):
1. It makes me sad that people who hurt others.... I see your pain too.
2. People who follow the trend of harming because they hurt someone dear to you... stay out of it. As hard as it is to want to butt in-- don't. Because it only spreads hate and pain. Let these two souls heal...
3. I noticed some of the most common friends most people make, don't have their true intentions. I have had met many people who have used my insecurities for their gain. Or even label me as insecure to fit their agenda.
4. I feel sad for all those people who, still have the idea that it's okay to abuse others and excepted to forget all their sins. No... the little respect I have for you left... it's more for me...knowing that I still have love for you. Knowing that I am able to still love.
5. Groups of man and women can be cruel...why are you that scared to come for one person? Why can't you be yourself? Why do you need a group to hide behind?
6. I have a lot of love for people who have survived suicide. It makes me sad that I can't meet you... that I couldn't be a true friend to you.
7. For all those people lost in drugs/ sex/ alcohol... don't worry your prison is temporary, your justice will come through. Through you, it shines bright angels watch over you.
8. For people who rape others... Why do you think that your victims wanted you that bad? Don't you know they lost part of themselves to you? You can't hide the fact that its you...go fill your nothingness with compassion not power!
9. This world makes me sad that.. people continue to change their skin tones and body parts. I even get that way sometimes but I remember... I don't ever want to change, I make things better with exercise.
10. For all those victims who can provoke abusers...stop. Learn from my mistake it isn't worth it. It isn't worth tainting your story...self justice is wrong even when the system fails you...let it be karma always comes back...always....good or bad.
11. The ideas of love and relationships scares and depresses me...who would ever want to be with someone as disturbed as me. I want to leave any new relationship...scared and tired of the rise and fall.
12. I don't like people who puts other peoples business out their... not your story to tell.
IMA,
I think it's a good idea to get those thoughts out so you can reread them or share them.
I do that a lot, especially when I am thinking of what I want to talk about in therapy.
Thoughts fuel themselves.
Sexual Nightmares and thoughts
Re: Sexual Nightmares and thoughts
