Fleur's 2018 thoughts

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Fleur
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Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Hello recover, there, wolfspirit


Thank you for messages

Dentist found work that is over my annual limit from insurance - no wonder people put up with tooth ache when they don't have insurance or they wait for many months for public dental attention

T asked for us to focus more on voices - fair enough, it is a specific voices clinic. But I've told her everything, because voices of negativity are like broken records, just reiterating same horrible stuff over and over - the bitch (me) and all the sh, su plus the fight between what they f***** want NOW and what I refuse - so exhausting

Pdoc suggested downloading app to track my movements when dissociation hits. We talked about one story I struggle with. Dad came into bathroom, I don't recall all that happened, except a punch in stomach. As I related it, my tummy really hurt. I used to complain of sore tummy - mother would take me to Dr who couldn't find anything wrong. As Mum was in room, I didn't say what Dad did. She didn't know cos Dad chose times when Mum was in backyard or busy with my younger sister - have a brother and a sister, younger by 2 and 7.5 years respectively

I now think mother would not believe me, as Dad pretty much "groomed" our sphere by saying he couldn't use bathroom after I was 11 and I was bathing/showering, as I was turning into a woman, plus already telling people I had an overactive imagination, so don't believe everything I said

Pdoc agreed that DID stuff was logical to be used at the time. Dad has always been a strong man, he could hold both my wrists in one hand and whack me with the other. He was never gentle so I soon learned not to hug as he'd hurt me and it was a blessing when he eventually had a cold sore - great excuse to not kiss, which was always rough. His clean shaven face had a five o'clock shadow within a few hours of shaving, whiskers grew fast, so scratched my face, always yucky

Anyway, we brainstormed some ideas to change the scenario - having a block on the door, flying out the window, a vial of blood not my own to put him off (always left me alone when he saw blood; hence the sh associated with washing)

We tried having mother in house to stop him from being in bathroom. We also considered me being believed when I told Mum or Dr what really was going on

Pdoc is going to talk with psychologist involved with schema therapy to discuss options

I have a script for tablets to be taken twice a day for next fortnight to see if that helps with unwanted /desirable behaviour - to reduce the voices, sh, su and improve likelihood of doing positive aspects, such as eating more regularly, walking, house chores

Sigh ... It is as we have said here many times from different people - we, the victims of abuse , pay and pay. Money, emotionally, dealing with a reality that wasn't supposed to happen, etc etc

I cannot begin to think how life would have been had the abuse been less or not occurred at all......


Heavy sigh
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
there
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Posts: 9795
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by there »

Fleur,
Heavily sighing with you.
I call it "paying with my life for the crimes committed against me".
Sometimes it all accumulates in my mind and I have various reactions-anger, sorrow, disgust, contempt...

I have done that 'changing the scenario' thing. i think it did help me, maybe in more subtle than obvious ways.

That app idea sounds pretty good. Would you use it when you sleepwalk?

With you in spirit, hoping to lift yours,
there
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Hello there


Thought I'd responded here prior to this. Perhaps I only dreamt I did

Haven't yet found an app that traces my footsteps without being activated - something I very much doubt I'd do were I sleep walking/dissociating

I am so tired of being tired. Whether I sleep at night, during afternoon, makes no difference. Not yet 2:30 and I'm yawning. Am lying on bed under top cover to feel warm. Might roll over and snooze

Right hip sore but not as bad as overnight. I held/slid along walls to move around

Is a multiple season day. Storms followed by sunshine and repeat. Wind was predicted to reach 50kmh, about 35mph. Certainly strong when in church services. Dry and calm to get in cars, which was such a blessing

Man fixed drawer. Was delivered Friday, yesterday, just as I was about to shower. Wife left it near brick pillar. It was strange to talk to her from inside, but I didn't want her seeing the state of my night attire - or what inside house looks like

Head hurts so much. Kind of like tinnitus but inside not so much with ears. Weird sensation


Ciao
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
there
Member
Posts: 9795
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by there »

Fleur,
Then doc's suggestion about an app isn't very helpful!

Sorry you are tired and sore head and hip hurting I hope you feel less pain and more rested very soon.

We have multiple season days any day of the year!
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Hello there,


Had a very lazy day

You're right about free apps but I have heard that there are some available as Dr suggested. Honestly I probably wouldn't take phone with me

Maybe something designed to be worn could be clipped to walker, but I seldom take it with me when sleep walking or dissociating

My public transport card is registered so I can check where and when I travel

Main concern is that Soxy stays inside

He's very heavy on my stomach


Aiming to sleep pronto
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
there
Member
Posts: 9795
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by there »

Well, weekends are made for lazy days, imho. ;)

Wondering if somehow blocking the door before sleep with something heavy could work. Just an idea.

Agreed that Soxy getting out is concern. I'm concerned for you. Remember, I was a sleepwalker, too! ( :lol: at me)

Hope that your sleep is restful and restorative, fleur.
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Hello there


Fortunately, sleep disturbances outside home occur infrequently. Last night I was attuned to external sounds. I think it was really the wind, but seemed like someone was trying to get in. I prowled around, closing internal doors, double checked locks - more than once

I held onto phone. Awoke a bit after 3 with stiffness in hand - that's a first

I haven't put anything heavy against door. Thanks for the idea. I did move my wheeled Walker in the way, so I'd trip/bump and hopefully return to bed

Soxy spent the night with me. Sometimes in touching distance, other times near feet. Sitting on my torso made it hard to get comfortable... Joys of pets ... Heard him playing amidst everything else

Have GP Dr appt early PM, then some grocery shopping. Church meeting at 7 - going to ask for ride home if inclement weather. If fine, can ride a train then walk a mile or so (a bit more than 1.5 km). Bus timetables stop by around 8 o'clock

Is light grey sky with moderate wind, so I hope I'll stay dry walking today. Wind last night seemed to lift the metal roof, rattled windows and lots of unidentified bumps

Do you know why or how you stopped sleepwalking?


Wishing us a lovely Monday
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
wolfspirit
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Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by wolfspirit »

Just popping in to your conversation, Fleur and there. :)
I like reading your daily adventures.
Thanks for being my isurvive siblings.

<3
ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Hello wolfspirit


Lovely that you popped in. May you have delightful moments throughout your day


OK, do I want to share the bad news or the worse news? Dr says I have a minor spinal misalignment - known about for years - it's why I use a mobility aid. Anyway, another appt in a fortnight to check hip

The upsetting news is the small lumps on my face are "very likely" to be cancer growths. Did I want to wait for public hospital plastic surgery dept or attend a private Professor? A no brainer. Another Dr suggested the Professor as he charges less for private patients, plus being closer to where I now live, than the Specialist clinic on other side of town. Feels really a bit creepy that I've had these lumps which admittedly change shape and size for at least 2 years. My regular Dr in previous town was unconcerned, yet this Dr says he notices changes and we'd better act fast. He sent referral electronically, which spooked me as all other referrals have been sent via Fax from Reception. I'm in such a dither below the surface, I shopped at 3 supermarkets to get all I wanted - normally 2 is sufficient and I'll do each on separate days to avoid ....

As I got off first bus, my walker wheels went between the bus and road instead of all four landing on kerb and grass. I messed up really badly, couldn't see straight for tears. Second bus driver said to go backwards which made a huge difference. I vaguely recall another bus driver saying similar when I had a few bags on board

I almost made a mistake when I got home - almost opened both internal and front doors, but I closed the kitchen door (had just cracked it open) before Mr Soxy escaped. That would have really undone me I think

As it is, he's purring quietly on my stomach, lovely and warm

Been crazy weather, only got a few drops of rain on my shower jacket. Very heavy rain whilst I was seeing Dr and in shopping centres, followed by hot sun. Sometimes the wind gusts pushed me sideways. Just on sunset. There's an amazing apricot light filtering through the trees

Am very tired but determined to attend my first official Church meeting - supposedly only 6 to 8 steps, depending on whom I asked. The Church has multiple levels. It must have been a wonderful challenge to put all the rooms on a suburban sloping backwards block. We just need a ramp for those relying on wheels - or those for whom so many steps are too many to negotiate


My head is spinning. I did eat lunch at the food hall. Bit of a challenge with my food preferences and sensitivities. Shall make a sandwich soon


Best wishes to all
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Just back from business meeting. Asked and was granted a ride home. Went by bus. Had some time to spare, so visited main library. Wow, so many resources set out on several floors. A speedy lift/elevator with loud female voice announcing each level, plus very large numbers to press. The inside is a replica of a huge 19th century painting. The original is a few square metres. It has been enlarged to cover all 3 walls, roof and doors - shows local scenery at various times of day. Very clever use of light and shade

Anyway, I found a brand new book about Alzheimer's disorder which seems a holistic approach with diet, exercise, food combinations and supplements and specific brain exercises. Mum has this problem and Dad has generalised dementia. Whereas Dad asks/tells same stuff he can manage dishes, dressing himself, opening doors, gates and so on. Mum, on the other hand, is a lot more active physically than Dad but she forgets how to do things such as checking clothes are right side out, opening gates, doors, even where is the fridge when standing next to it, asking a few times what she has been requested - she's fine if she instigates the search, but not when directly asked

As for the meeting, I thought it productive but my driving couple commented that it was boring. We started just a few minutes after 7 and set up the space for tomorrow's activities a little after 9:30

Soxy hasn't removed the pompon on a spring since I left at 12:30; he's vatting at it so much, it is hitting the wall - sometimes it is off within a few minutes, I put it back and repeat all day. Other days, like today, it must go unnoticed

The man who fixed a drawer last week did part of his apprenticeship with a woodworker who attends previous congregation. He recalls previous boss affectionately, but was unaware wife died in December

Discovered tonight that a very healthy looking lady has MS - we started with remarks about colder weather affecting us adversely. Just never know what bothers people until we chat

Another sad disclosure was that a man's parents separated both in sense of divorce and leaving church community after a child died in tragic circumstances

We discussed importance of far reaching decisions. Sadly, very few members attended the meeting. I couldn't help myself from speaking up a few times. Going up stairs was managed with help. Coming back down was more difficult. Very appreciative of having doors unlocked so I didn't go down outside steps

A cool evening, great for snoozing


Goodnight
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
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