Fleur's 2018 thoughts

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Fleur
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Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Thank you Couragetoday, wolfspirit, appointment went OK

Train was cancelled both in morning and return, so trip was longer with more stops and more people. I'm fortunate that I either sit on Walker or in disabled/special needs are a

Had lots of help on public transport today, from all ages, particularly commended a few school girls. It might seem a little thing to have their assistance but it is truly wonderful from my perspective

The assessment has been finalised. Means I can apply for day program/s as well as be on wait list for DBT. DBT is huge weekly commitment for 50 consecutive weeks - one half day which they call "full" - 9:30-2:30. Light breakfast and lunch plus fruit mid morning. Also another day for an hour between 9:00 & 2pm - if we can, we'll see Pdoc on 1 of the days

Got paperwork for rent assistance ready to mail tomorrow. Really grateful that the agency quickly sent a lease agreement copy to forward to govt agency. I notice that there is nothing mentioning back payment

Saw an online deal with current phone provider. A dollar less per month for an extra 2 gigabytes of data and all call/SMS text messages are included - no cap. Mind you, I have never used anywhere near the $1,000/month imposed limit this year

So far, so good re credit card and debit card not having mystery withdrawal payments. Think I'm slightly paranoid, as I check twice a week, just in case

The stormy weather continues but interspersed with sunshine, so although the wind is strong and the rain briefly very heavy, it stays comparatively warm. Guess we can almost watch grass grow in next week or so, smile. Thankfully not severe (read scary) thunderstorms today

I have a list of requests for Dr (GP) when I see him tomorrow. Glad he permitted a long appointment or I'd feel guilty taking up too much time

On Wednesday friend shall drive me to ladies group. This time, I'll buy some fruit to share - I'd better put a note on phone calendar or I'll likely forget

One question about losing time, awareness I answered yes to both. Swiftly added I put all appt's in phone to remind me - apparently that is a good strategy which is mentioned in therapeutic work. Simply made sense to me so I get to where I'm supposed to go in reasonable time. I used to put everything on a wall calendar, but found I'd forget to check previous evening

Oh I really dislike some of the PTSD stuff, jumping at almost nothing and being startled when unexpected sound or movement happens. I even jumped at station loudspeaker announcements, despite the chimes that usually precede the voice

Got so triggered today I thought I was going to faint, lose bodily function control, have temper tantrum or SOMETHING YUCK. Didn't, but a very close thing

Feel exhausted. Hoping for more than 2-3 hours of sleep tonight


Kind wishes to all
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
there
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Posts: 9795
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by there »

Fleur,
Glad that your transpo , though a longer trip, had wonderful helpers.

You're being very vigilant about bank accounts. Anybody would be the same way after that.

Day program application, rental assistance paperwork, phone service plan research- impressive self care, Fleur!
Proud of you :)

I need to make calendar beeps for appts, too. You've inspired me!

Getting startled or triggered-- not fun from PTSD.

Hope sleep is full.
Have a great time on Wednesday, ok?
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Hello there


Thank you very much for your positive message. Lovely to read as I'm about to start the day


May you enjoy peaceful sleep and a day full of bright moments
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
wolfspirit
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Posts: 1704
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by wolfspirit »

Fleur,
So happy that strangers were kind to you, and that it seems like the future is holding the support that you deserve.
I like reading the details you include. I can picture what you're doing. :)
I use my phone for appts, as well.
Sometimes, it annoys me and I talk to it. "Stop telling me I have to do to the dentist! I know already!" :lol:

I hope that Soxy helps you get some rest at your next bedtime.

gentle hugs,

ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Hello wolfspirit


Yes. I sometines tell phone "I know!" But there have been times I've gone somewhere and wondered why I am here? Then phone tells me about appt. Have had some dissociation which bothers me. "Awoken" in totally unexpected place. Really disconcerting. Fortunately, it seems that I don't think about cards when dissociative ... Caught self attempting to buy expensive item with a $20 note. Apologised and ran out, well walked fast, leaving woman holding the apparel I truly don't need....

After such a long break without blanks of this nature, I'm asking inside "why?" "What is happening for you?" No answers

I did find myself in the front yard a few times at night time but think only momentary. My bus pass "lost" some cash, so perhaps I travelled? But where, when, I cannot say

I told Dr today a bit about what it is like. He thought maybe high anxiety. I don't feel overly anxious. A bit dubious re DBT, particularly in winter/if I have flu, as missing 3 consecutive sessions or a total of 6, means being back on wait list, but I'm unaware of anything else

I think this Dr and I can work well as a team. He listens, suggests and accepts my perspective ... So rare to be actually saying to a GP exactly - in total of self - as opposed to why I came to see you today

He wants me to contact meals on wheels co-ordinator; he says I can freeze meals for another day. T said they support special dietary requests. A task for later in the week

Good news about bank - my credit card is in credit from original contact, less fees. Bank sent explanation for delay - it will depend on the bank abroad what happens next. Here's hoping for positive response

Library is without Internet until provider fixes whatever problem - it's to do with service not Library. But I went in without reading all the signs posted about sorry, no Web service ... Felt very silly when I saw the size of notices. Could also be why phone is so slow

Thanks for being here
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
wolfspirit
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Posts: 1704
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by wolfspirit »

Fleur,
It must be disconcerting when you realize you are or have been somewhere you weren't aware of going. Traveling without being aware of it. Grateful that nothing is happening where you are hurt or lost.
Do you have the option of a GPS tracker on your phone? So someone could find you if you were missing? Or do you not like that kind of privacy infringement. Or perhaps you don't take your phone when you are disassociated.

Meals on Wheels is a great idea. I hope that provides some help.
Sounds like your doctor has your best interests in mind. :)

It sucks that the library's internet service was down. That is frustrating. And I don't see signs all the time! Like I just block them out of my vision.

sending gentle hugs,

ws
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Hello wolfspirit


No-one would know I was missing, except Soxy if he ran out of food

Before it was relatively safe because of the area to leave front door open. Here, feels like it could be unsafe. Although the fences are all high and screen door closes automatically, without locking

As a child, sleep walking was a concern. Mother was only worried. Dad thought I made it up so punishment followed. I notice that I punish myself after dissociation episodes, especially when it happens at night

Really weird to "wake up" somewhere that isn't in the house - preferably tucked up in bed

Being spooked by storm the other day has (I think) sparked backlash

Ladies meeting was pleasant. Just a total of 4. Other women are in their 50s and 80s. I'm going to take own lunch in future as I have too many food sensitivities for others to cater. Today I ate a yummy pear. Shall seek the fruit from where she bought - another person said to not get pears from another place as they look fine but are rotten inside

Got some discomfort. Really tired - Makes me wonder if I went wandering last night. Wish Soxy and I could properly communicate so he could say stop, lead me back to bedroom, which is what Mum sometimes did

Appreciate the space here


Wishing you a peaceful night and lovely day
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
Fleur
Member
Posts: 13378
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Fleur »

Hello ....


I feel like a totally stupid idiot. I reluctantly dressed and left house mid afternoon. Picked up pharmacy order, walked to shops

So far, so good. I enjoyed warm sunshine

Left my new spectacles to be fixed. Yes, needed to do more in village, went to supermarket and did some other stuff, came home

Missing pieces - I was supposed to send birthday parcel to Dad. Knew it would be late, but he'd get it next week... Brought it home as I didn't think of Post Office until closing time. Also - left the village without getting glasses

Phoned the repairer so that's OK. BUT, the aftermath has been horrible. Call self all kinds of F *** words. Did put out some rubbish for tomorrow's collection but still long way from clean, neat, tidy

Sh is leaving bloody marks in strange places. Idk what I do, cos it looks deliberate pattern

Now the su stuff is full on along with the hate self inner talk


Ggggrrrr
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur
Couragetoday
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Posts: 5939
Joined: Sun Dec 28, 2014 11:31 pm

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by Couragetoday »

Hi Fleur,

Just hoping you can be gentle with self, as if someone else had the same oversights maybe?
Hope you can challenge the self talk, and feel the kindness and gentleness inside that you offer to so many here.
(A tall order I know.)
Really hoping su feelings leave you alone.

Care about you,

Couragetoday
there
Member
Posts: 9795
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Fleur's 2018 thoughts

Post by there »

Fleur,
I second Ct. I want those su feelings to leave my friend, FLeur in peace!

Did I tell you I had a couple sleepwalking episodes?

I sometimes forget to get something I meant to buy at supermarket. When I write a list and use it, things go well! Occasionally, I leave a bag of groceries on the bus.

I will arrive at class with my small luggage wheelie. I'll go inside to get something I thought brought to use. Yesterday it was a very cushy, translucent orange ball. Nope! Absent. I move on with the next thing.

I'll let you off the hook for those spectacles and the package, but don't let it happen again! :lol: (humor to break the mood)

In going to the village, you did accomplish a lot! Dropped off glasses, shopping for necessities. You deserve credit for what you DID get done!

Something I need to remind myself of: I'm a human being, not a human doing.
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
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