Is this verbal abuse?

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

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Sheep
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Joined: Mon Jul 25, 2011 6:59 pm

Is this verbal abuse?

Post by Sheep »

It's Christmas Eve, and I woke up to this text from my cousin (we both grew up with abuse in our households). My son who has mild autism used to live with her and her husband up until two months ago and paid them $600/month rent to live in their unfinished basement with her own grown son who is about 8 yrs. older than my 22 yr old. Since being out of that environment my son has obtained his driver's license, obtained a full-time job overnights close to home with benefits, and purchased a car for cash from money he got out of his 401K plan where he used to work. My cousin has told me 'that my son was not ready to drive'. My son recently called her to get taken off of her car insurance policy. I'm happy and proud of the progress my son is making but can't sleep after receiving this text:
Merry Christmas. I hope yours is better than mine. I have spent the last two hours explaining to my family that my son did not beat your son up. That's what I get for trying to be kind and helping family. Your welcome Sheep and Son.
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I'm feeling guilt and manipulation...

Sheep
Ashia
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Re: Is this verbal abuse?

Post by Ashia »

Hi Sheep

I hear how difficult it was for you to wake up to that text. I wish I could give you answers but I'm not in your cousin's head. From my perspective, it seems like your cousin isn't in a great place and can't see beyond herself. I'm not surprised it has left you feeling guilty but you really haven't done anything wrong. It's wonderful to hear of the progress your son has made. If you can, try to hold on to that.

With caring
Ashia
Sheep
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Posts: 1540
Joined: Mon Jul 25, 2011 6:59 pm

Re: Is this verbal abuse?

Post by Sheep »

Hi Ashia,

Thank you for your reply. Growing up in an abusive home left me thinking things were 'my fault' even when they were not. I also feel like she wanted to 'hook me' to text back but both my son and I have left it alone. Now today, it really doesn't matter what she thinks because as you mentioned I can focus on all the progress my son has made and will continue to make!

Sheep
there
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Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Is this verbal abuse?

Post by there »

Sheep,
Understand from your perspective of thinking everything was your fault from growing up in an abusive home. I've slowly been turning that around myself.
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
Harmony
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Re: Is this verbal abuse?

Post by Harmony »

Dear Sheep,

Fact: The decision whether he is ready to drive made by the department of motor vehicles.

Your son has demonstrated some good choices. The car, insurance, and licensure on his own are proof of his ability. He is not dumb. He is autistic. Autism can be manageable. For many it gets easier to cope with maturity. The family member making this "decision" has crossed a boundary. Look at this as an opportunity to see your son and your own growth. The lesson in this is to continue living as an example rather than a judge.

Healthy boundaries ----> Healthy life.

with care,
Harmony
Sheep
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Posts: 1540
Joined: Mon Jul 25, 2011 6:59 pm

Re: Is this verbal abuse?

Post by Sheep »

Not only was my dad physically abusive but he was very controlling along with some verbal abuse. I grew up not knowing how to make decisions myself. I've always doubted my choices and decisions as well. In his eyes, I never grew up. It was awful being dependent upon my abuser (dad). I struggle to this day with dependency (esp financial), low self-esteem, and not working to my fullest potential. I'm coming to accept that I don't get a "do over" in life but can only go forward from this day. Sometimes my deep-rooted shame gets triggered and other times my fear of abandonment. I'm learning that I can trust myself but it is very new to me. Sometimes I think I should be further along in my recovery, other times I accept that I am where I'm supposed to be in my healing process. Sorry for rambling...

Sheep
there
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Posts: 9795
Joined: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:41 am

Re: Is this verbal abuse?

Post by there »

Sheep,
I have somewhat similar struggles to yours. circumstances beyond my control kept me from reaching my potential. Still working on it.

I,too,am learning self-trust. I've known I needed it for a long time. I suppose there's always been at least some inside. I'm strengthening it these days.

glad to read of your self-understanding and progress.
All women are beautiful. Period.
I deserve better than survival.
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