Sex/Spanking/Religion all mixed together

A discussion area specifically for survivors who suffered physical, emotional, and verbal child abuse. This forum can also be used for Members who suffered sexual abuse at the time of physical, emotional and verbal abuse.

Moderators: Harmony, quixote, ajei

wolfspirit
Member
Posts: 1704
Joined: Tue Dec 26, 2017 8:56 pm

Re: Sex/Spanking/Religion all mixed together

Post by wolfspirit »

juliewr,
What you're processing is very hard. It takes a lot of courage and strength.
I understand the triggers of a belt and men around that age.
I still get triggered when I walk by a row of belts in a store, or when people talk about belts.

Over time, you'll find that your mind won't be so raw and the fear won't be so strong. It will heal because you are processing it, now.

We're still listening if you want to share more. Thanks for checking in.

wolfspirit
Wounds are where the light enters you.
Rumi
AutumnDay
Member
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Feb 23, 2018 5:36 pm

Re: Sex/Spanking/Religion all mixed together

Post by AutumnDay »

Hi Juliewr,

Thank you for your honesty with all of this. I grew up in an abusive household that was on the fairly-to-very religious spectrum but they never recognized, acknowledged, admitted, or reflected on how their actions and words could be the exact opposite of what religion is supossed to teach you. There is love and compassion and then there is abuse. The two can never, ever, ever mix by nature.

For my parents there was no introspection, no thought to reflect on their actions as adults who were actually responsible for their own behavior, "no way but their way" mentality to the extreme. Dad was a tyrant and mom was in denial and completely changed the subject or made some excuse and covered for him every second of every day, all in the guise of being "the correct and obedient wife" who supported her husband at all costs.

I too struggled with having little privacy (no locks, no safety from him), no place or space to speak my true mind, no recognition that I was an actual real person capable and worthy of having my own voice or opinions or fears or concerns. From my earliest earliest human memories until my 20s, any time I objected to anything or wasn't immediately a doormat to the whims of my dad I was labeled a "brat", a pain, and my siblings and I were always called "worthless" to our faces whenever my dad was the least displeased with us for any of his own reasons or standards. Our worth as human beings was defined by our usefulness, our actions or contributions that he and he alone measured and weighed the value of. My siblings and I walked on egg shells. I dreaded every time he came home and I relished every minute he was gone.

Myself and my siblings could never yell, never shout, never complain, never object, never disagree. Once and only once, when I was maybe 5 (I don't know, I blocked out most of my first 20 years under his roof), as a child I slammed my door in frustration to let off some steam. My dad scared the living daylights out of me by charging and roaring at me, chasing me up the stairs as I balled my eyes out. He was a 6 foot - 250 pound hulk of muscle and menace, and I will never forget that fear and sense of utter desperation that I had. My mom did nothing to help me, she did nothing to object or stop him, she just looked at me and stayed silent. That was how it went for 20odd years, in some way shape or form.

One time the family was in the car. My dad went off on a verbal tirade, shouting at the top of his lungs "F... YOU" over and over and over to my brother in the back seat. Our dad was terrifying and we had no idea how he would react, if he would crash the car, if he would ever stop. My sister---the eternally quiet, reserved, guarded, fearful, anxious, obedient one-- her reaction in the car is seared in my memory. My sister held my hand in a death grip and cried quietly, as she clutched my hand. But mom never objected, never countered, never defended us. I felt such a surge of protective instinct for my brother, but what could I do.

I have always felt protective of my siblings even though they are considerably older than me, because i felt it was my duty to protect and love and care for them emotionally and personally and verbally and spiritually and honestly because my dad would not. We never wanted for food or shelter but I would have preferred to have been in poverty with a loving and supportive environment than to have what we did. He was my living nightmare.

Juliewr, I hope you can find some peace and sense of all of this hell. I know there is immense pain but you are not alone.
Last edited by Ashia on Wed Feb 28, 2018 9:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed ST to MT
rosa123
Member
Posts: 94
Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2017 5:54 pm

Re: Sex/Spanking/Religion all mixed together

Post by rosa123 »

Thank you for sharing, AutumnDay. You seem to have a lot of clarity about your upbringing. I am sorry that you grew up terrorized.
Post Reply